Music Therapy

Music is a savior...

Regina Spektor's new album Far makes me feel good. I believe that I will survive.

Today

Lack of sleep and trepidation has made this past week rough. Want/need to exercise because I know that is why I am unable to get as many hours of sleep. Grrr

Testing is Done...for the meantime

Although I was nervous, the MRI went well on Friday. I was lucky that they had CDs and headphones while going through the test. The test took a little over 50 min-25 minutes regular and 25 minutes injected with a dye. I am feeling a lot better this weekend, although my eyesight is still gone, most of the pain has left my eye. I will take the small wins right now.

I just have to be patient during the waiting game. 8 days until I know anything.

MRIs and Lost Vision

Have not written here for a long time, but I have been needing to journal. Things are topsy turvy in my life right now and I am very fearful of what is going to come. I feel that anything could happen.

To give the basics about two weeks ago I began feeling like I was getting a headache, over a few days the headache became unbearable. I was dizzy, nauseous, and my head felt like someone was beating me with a hammer. After about 4 days of continuous pain I went to my Dr.

He right away thought it was a migraine (which I had once after my wisdom teeth were pulled and it felt different) and I thought maybe he was right. I agreed on trying the medicine that he gave me and over the course of two days the headache went away. I still had this sever pressure behind my eye, but I was hoping that it would go away in a day or two.

In two days time I began to lose eyesight in my left eye. After googling a lot of "possible" diseases, I thought it would be better for me to visit an ophthalmologist and get an actual Dr.'s opinion. After a long appointment, my doc stated she thought that the cause was my optic nerve, something called Optic Neuritis. She also knew that I was going to google it, so she stated that I would find out that it could be a sign of Multiple Sclerosis.

I thanked her for the information but in my mind I was like, "WTF!!!!! Are f-ing serious?"

Of course I knew what it was, I have a best friend whose mom has been dealing with it, P's cousin has had it since he was 15, and I studied physiology in my undergrad, the implications of this were overwhelming to me.


My ophthalmologist wanted me to get a second opinion from another ophthalmologist who specializes in the optic nerve. This past Monday was that appointment, after the exact same tests at the last Dr (you think that they could share information) it was reconfirmed that I indeed did have Optic Neuritis and that I had lost a significant portion of my eyesight.

He also gave me the Multiple Sclerosis spiel (stating that 50% of Optic Neuritis sufferers have MS) and asked me to get an MRI. I am due for a full MRI of my brain and spinal chord tomorrow.

What am I feeling right now? Well, afraid, mad, unsure, scared, emotional, tired, and just sad. I am not allowed to work out, because a rise in body temperature can aggravate the optic nerve. Usually if I am having a bad day, week, month I turn to running. Not only am I feeling all of these things but my favorite stress reliever has been taken away.

It will be over a week before I find out the results, I am hoping for the best, expecting the worst, and trying to be strong in the ensuing weeks. Life is funny at handing things to you when you least expect it...scary.

Tastes Like Chicken (Is it Chicken?)

It's been a long time since I have written...but I got my J-O-B, been at it a month and it has kept me busy- at least with the full time work.

On to what I wanted to write this blog about...

PERCEPTION of one's self, compared to other people's perception of you.

At work (yes the new job), people always come by and say that I look stressed (which is not true, in fact life has been a lot easier). So what is it about me that gives off the feeling of being stressed? I must have a look. As a kid, my parents said I was never a smiley type of child. I was quite and I guess "somber". I do not think that I have ever grown out of that, I have never been the type to go around smiling, I have to work hard to smile all the time.

I have always noticed that it takes people a while to warm up to me. I like to have fun, but maybe that does not show until you have actually hung out with me for a bit. Maybe they are put off because I look 12. Maybe I am have a look...the same one that makes me seem stressed. I like people to be frank with me, hopefully at some point in my life, someone will just say what it is.

Perception is a funny thing. Senge, the guy who developed those "mental models", stated "Before you open your eyes in the morning, 80% of what your going to see is already encoded in your brain." Hmmm...

Will work for food

Not really,

Here I sit two weeks after my intense interview at the University of Akron for the Special Events Manager and still no word. I realize that universities require many departments and a whole lot of paperwork, but still it is no easier on me. In fact the mere stress of it all had me down in out with a cold/flu last week. Maybe I cannot blame it all on the stress but I am sure it does not help. Right now it is 11:30 pm and I am unable to sleep because of all the "what ifs" in my head. Sometimes I wish that I would not think about it all, and yet here I am.

Life would be easier if:

I was not married and I could move on a dime
BUT life would not have as much joy either (dang love)
My father did not have cancer and I could feel at ease about moving far away
BUT I would take life much more for granted and not seize the day as I am now
I did not care about finding a job that I enjoyed
BUT then my life would not be as satisfying
I would not over analyze things to much
BUT then I would not be as good at my job as I am
I already had a full-time job
BUT then I would not be learning valuable life lessons about struggling

OK enough. Phew, glad to get that off my chest

SummiTriathlon Race Report

Only my third triathlon ever.

I rarely do a race report, but since this was my best race in a long time....

Early morning-Munroe Falls Lake

Pre-Race
Woke up at 4:00 am after a restless night of sleep and two previous crappy nights of sleep the days before. I strained my back working a Lebron James VIP event at my work (to much to explain), and I was worried that once again my race would turn to shite. I ate a breakfast of one bagel with jelly (trying to cut out dairy before races due to GI issues), blueberry pomegranate juice and a banana (and of course a few vitamin Is for my back). I was already packed for the race, so I just double checked everything to make sure I had it all. P was hardly nervous and joked with me about my pre-race jitters. We headed out to Munroe Falls to get there at exactly 6:00 am sharp to pick up our packet and rack our bikes. This is an early start because the park opens at 10:00 am and CHAMP racing had only until 9:45 to get everything wrapped up. We picked out a prime location for our bikes and saved some spots for our friends. This was Brandon and P's first tri last year and both were participating this year much stronger and focused. This was also the first race of our friend Todd and P's dad, and we wanted to make them feel as comfortable as possible, so we all lined up on the same rack. It was a cool morning, and I wanted to get out and warm up in the water a bit. CHAMP had race waves a little different than other places, first were the elites at 7:06, then the women 40-U at 7:13, then women 40-up at 7:18, then the men. So my wave was the second one up and I hurried into the water at 7:00 am to do a few laps before the start.
SWIM
Trying to get used the chill

It was an in water start with a 200 y swim out and then duck under a lane line and swim back. At 7:13 the buzzer went off and about 30 women and I were off. I am still in need of some tri swimming practice because I got blocked in and couldn't move out of the group. I was frustrated because I could have gone faster but I was at the mercy of the group, women were kicking me all around and I had to keep looking up to see if I could get past anyone. It did start to thin out at the end of the first 200 yards and I was able to get past some women and hit my stride for the second 200 y. I am sure I had a negative split for the way back because it too what seemed like 2:00 minutes less.

Swim Time: 8:59

T1
Me in T1

This was one of my best first transitions, I rolled up my socks before the race so I could just roll them onto my feet, which kept a lot of that wet feet sticky issues at bay. I quickly laced up my shoes, downed a hammer gel, and strapped on my helmet. The only issue I had was P's suggestion of resting the bike on the brakes instead of the seat caused me to not be able to get the bike off the rack for a bit, a few choice words later, I was finally able to get the bike off and was ready.

T1 time: 2:25 (not bad considering bike issues)

Bike
Running back to rack my bike

I followed a group of women on my bike, we must have all missed the turn for the exit because somehow we ended up following the run route instead. After looping around the gatehouse twice we all broke through the main entrance to the park. I was at this point in the lead and instead of hopping off my bike to go through the sand trail I tried to bike through it. Just so all of you know road bikes aren't mtn. bikes and I quickly fell off my bike. The 8 other women around me and I were all a bit pissed (it turned out we did a mile extra getting lost), but we quickly caught up to the group on the road. It would have been funny if it hadn't added so much time. Somehow I missed seeing a bunch of people pass me on the bike. I was so wound up that I mashed the pedals and pushed out a fairly good 12 mi (instead of 11 mi) time. I passed a lot of women (some on expensive tri bikes) which just got me more excited as I made my way through the bike course. Todd came by me looking strong and I encouraged him to keep moving, he was making good time on his first tri.

Bike time: 41.12
Bike Computer Mileage: 11.98
Avg Speed: 16.8


T2
Todd and I in T2

Since I do not have clipless pedals yet, T2 was rather smooth. All I had to do was take my helmet off, drink some gatorade, clip race belt, and I was done.

T2 time: 39 s

Run
First steps of run

Felt a bit wobbly on the run at first but made myself keep running (even though it was slow). I was glad that I could catch my breath enough to keep that steady slow pace that I am known for. The first 1.55 mi loop was just trying to get my legs to work, I felt that nagging calf knot that has been showing up lately during runs. I stopped for a second to stretch that calf, knowing that it would just get worse if I didn't. I think that moment saved my race, as I was able to continue without feeling like the cramp would set in again. The second lap was faster than the first because my legs began to understand what I was trying to do to them. It was my first time EVER feeling pretty good on the run during a triathlon. This made me so happy and I was running on pure adrenaline at this point. Another women tried to pass me on the last bit, right before the finish, but I kicked up my pace to finish strong and get my Second Place AG Award (yay, I have never received an award in a tri). I was ecstatic.
Last kick to keep off lady behind me

Run Time: 30:00

Overall Time: 1:23:17 (good enough for 2nd AG)


(L-R) Todd, Paul, Me (clutching my AG Award), Brandon