Adventures with MS

OH NO - the big three oh.

2011-02-23T17:54:00.000-08:00

February 28, 2011 - Yep, the dreaded 30. Not sure how I am feeling about all of this...

There is a little fear that I have with this number. I mean, what does this day have that the day before does not? Not sure, but I do know that my 20s were short - or long - depending on how you look at it. When I really analyze all of things that happened during that time, well it was A LOT. But it passes so quickly and many things changed. The way that I view life is completely different now - I am older and wiser, with a few more wrinkles (and more to come). I am also glad that I made it out on the other side (trust me - there were moments).

There were some really rough times; my father's diagnosis with cancer, my diagnosis with MS, lost loved ones, and the reality that my youth was just a set-up to real life (man I wish I had not complained on all of those late teens/ early 20s stresses - little did I know).

There were also so many amazing times; hiking the Appalachian Trail (with my sister), meeting my soul-mate and marrying him, becoming a runner-kayaker-climber-hiker-biker- triathlete (huh, when did all that happen?), traveling, graduating college, laughing A LOT, getting my first real job and (not to pat myself on the back) excelling at it.

It is something that I can look back at with little remorse, I have and WILL always say that the choices that I have made only allowed me to become the person I am today. AND DANG, I am woman hear me roar...I feel confident and ready for the next step...

Wait, do I feel ready? Depending on the moment and the day I am never quite sure of the answer. Reality is that I have a chronic disease that is likely to hit hard sometime in the next decade - reality is that I will likely lose some more loved ones - reality is that things will happen that I cannot even fathom right now...but I do not want to focus on that. I want to focus on me and where I am right now! I am doing pretty well, maybe because I am less emotional about everything that has happened. Maybe because those life lessons that I experienced in my 20s have allowed me to calm down. Maybe because I am me and no one else is. The days that I am down, the days that I am up...only I really experienced them and know what truly they are and mean. Or do I?

So I will leave you with this quote that I read recently and that just rang true to everything that I am experiencing...

"True wisdom comes to each of us when we realize how little we understand about life, ourselves, and the world around us." - Socrates

Here is to another decade, if God (or whoever the world reign is) allows it.

1 year anniversary

2011-02-03T13:28:00.000-08:00

Ok, so it has been one year since I have been gluten and dairy free. Still learning, still tweaking...as mentioned before. So I want to take the time to list some of my favorite meals and pre-made foods that have made this year easier than I thought.

Yummy Pretzels (Glutino Pretzels)

I love these pretzels, taste just as good as regular. Not missing a thing.

Favorite Bar (Kind Bars)

So tasty and so good for you!

Favorite Bread (Udi's Sandwhich Bread)

Taste & Texture are almost the same as regular bread and they do not need to be frozen!!! Yummy :)

Favorite Granola (Udi's wins again with their Cranberry Nut)


For some reason all other gluten free granola's have a weird texture... this taste like the real thing!

Favorite already prepared frozen food (Tandoor Chef Pad Thai)


The flavors are sooooo good and for only $3.50 I have a meal for lunch!

Favorite Pasta (Tinkyada - only pasta that taste's like the real thing, DON'T try any other brand)

Sometimes you need to 'carb' up and man, these are great!

Favorite Restaurants (There are quite a few; Altieri's, PF Changs. Chipolte, Rusty Bucket & Vegiterranean)


OK, so all of these offer GF/DF options and that makes it worth it on my part!

Best place to find recipes (CooksIllustrated - my mom bought a membership)


They are not all GF/DF recipes, but they test them and perfect them. Many of them are GF/DF by nature or can be adapted)

Best Cream Substitute (Light Coconut Milk)


The only thing that really gives a creamy texture and no it does not taste like coconut!

Best butter sub (Earth Balance)


I have tried lots, not butter but pretty dang close!

Favorite Bakery & Food (Mom's)

My sis, mom and I - My sister made awesome GF/DF soft pretzels and my mom - well what doesn't she bake for me (She perfected the GF/DF pie, breads, cakes, dumplings, cookies, soups, main dishes, sides...phew, she should go into business). Their love and effort has just made everything easier. LOVE THEM!!!

Working Out Again...Starting over Again...

2011-01-24T06:47:00.000-08:00

I have decided not to bore all of you with my positives for each day, but I still write them down. It does help me realize that each day has something to be grateful for, even if it is small.

On other fronts, I am consistently working out each week. I am now two months into a strength training program that I do 2-3x a week. I never thought that I would be doing assisted pull-ups, dips, overhead presses, squats and a range of strength and core exercises. I hope that this helps me to keep my strength up, even though running has not been going so hot. I also started back to indoor rock climbing. The only sport where you feel every bit of lost strength. Paul and I climbed yesterday and I assumed that with all of my strength exercises I would be bounding up the 54 ft, 10 ft pitch indoor wall...ha. I was so pumped (a term climbers use for when your muscles turn rock hard and your veins poke out from exhaustion), but it was good. I was happy to get a chance to do this again. Paul was feeling pretty weak as well, so at least I could not blame it on the MS, it really was just not climbing recently.

I have not gotten into the pool in a while and I won't until my rec center starts their triathlon training March 7. At this point I am trying to stay above the dry skin that is caused by consistent 0 - 20 degree weather and chlorine just adds to the dry skin issues, so I am happy waiting out until winter is almost done. I have my bike on a trainer and have managed at least one workout a week...not great, but I have a hard time motivating myself on something that keeps you in one place. ;)

Positives 1/14-1/16

2011-01-17T04:16:00.000-08:00

Friday, January 14.

I bought a CD I had been wanting for awhile
I enjoyed a delicious Chipotle meal (yea for GF/DF options there)
I enjoyed packing for my WFR. Packing a backpack and going into the woods - my favorite.

Saturday, January 15 & January 16

WFR was great, since my body actually held up pretty well. Tired but good
Braces, tractions splints, BUFF (Big Ugly Fat & Fluffy) splints were made & I remembered them well.
Last scenario was fun; full moon, snow and lots of fake blood and fake broken bones.

Wilderness First Responder

2011-01-14T05:46:00.000-08:00

This weekend I will be heading to Pennsylvania for a recertification of my Wilderness First Responder. For those of you who are unaware of what this is, it is (from Wikipedia):

A wilderness first responder is trained to deal with many situations that may be encountered in the wilderness. While a standard Department of Transportation defined First Responder course as taught by an organization such as the American Red Cross may require 40 hours of training, the typical Wilderness First Responder Course involves 80 hours of training. Wilderness first responder training courses focus on teaching the students to assess a situation, improvise solutions using available resources to stabilize the patient and identify the best way to get the patient to definitive medical treatment. In many courses, students are encouraged to develop the habit of systematically thinking through and documenting their assessment decisions/plans using a SOAP note. Topics covered usually include, but are not limited to, the following principles
Basic Life Support
Responding to results of trauma:
Management of soft tissue injury such as a burn or wound
Prevention and/or treatment of blood-borne pathogens
Treatment of infectious diseases
Management of bone and joint injuries such as fractures, sprains, strains and dislocations
Management of suspected head and or spinal injury
Responding to the onset of sudden illness
Transport/evacuation planning and implementation

It is a great course filled with scenarios of fake broken bones, gashes, hypothermia, allergies, etc.

It is really odd to be heading to do this with my diagnosis of MS. 3 years ago when I did the full 9 day course, I felt so strong and healthy. This certification, which includes learning how to carry out a person with a makeshift back brace, is a very grueling and physical course. I would lie if I did not say I was worried about how I am going to hold up for two 12 hour days in the snow. I just pray that my body likes me this weekend. It would be nice to have this certification for another three years, because at this point WHO KNOWS what will happen.

Even though I am nervous, I really enjoy the medical side of outdoor pursuits. In another life, I would have loved to be a wilderness rescuer, even getting my wilderness EMT, I enjoy anatomy (hence the heavy physiology based exercise science degree)...but this is my life now. I cannot be a liability on a search and rescue, they need strong, healthy peeps with no health issues. These are the moments that you feel the little pangs of sadness for where your life is now. I really wish I had been a lazy, non-exercising slob - then losing my body abilities may be a little easier to swallow.

Positives for the day

2011-01-13T18:05:00.000-08:00

Oh yeah and one more resolution. My positives for the day. What are those you ask, well something(s) big or small that is a positive thing in my life that day.

January 13, 2011 Positives

I woke up with a lot of energy today
I could stretch my hamstrings oh that little bit farther after 5 days of yoga in morning and night
The person that was dropping the ball at work finished two projects for me today
I saw the sun peak out twice (which is a lot for NE Ohio)
Someone left some gluten free/ dairy free animal crackers on my desk.
My student employees borrowed my lap top, went onto my facebook page and put a funny status up - "I smell like BO and subway"(what a great joke)
I had a gym workout (squats, pull-ups, dips, etc) and am sore in a good way
I had a good eyesight day (I know that is weird but some days my eye is better than others...Oh MS, silly disease)

Not bad for one day. I will take it.

Life Resolutions (not just the new year)

2011-01-10T07:30:00.000-08:00

I have been doing some soul searching lately. Well really, I am almost always looking in, but now I am making some changes. I realize that my resolutions are not as much for the year, as for my sanity & health, so I am going to refer to them as life resolutions. These are items that I will be working on for the rest of my life, not just in the new year.

To start off a little simply:

Restarting daily yoga. Not only have I stopped in the past year or so, but I have noticed that I am not nearly as flexible or relaxed as I once was. Not sure if this is because of the MS or if I am just a ball of tight muscle from the years of running and soccer, but either way I have struggled lately with my flexibility. I have had a nagging muscle (not sure if it is pulled or what) in my butt that has caused me problems running for the past month. I have been stretching, rolling, sticking, and even sitting on dryer balls to try to get this area loosened up, nothing has worked. Another easy 3 mi run this weekend ended with me barely able to move my right leg forward and that was enough to motivate me to start again.
Can't change what is happening to me, so must change my outlook. This is true especially with work. Hours, stress, conflicts at work have drained me emotionally. I was to the point of actually hating every hour, minute, second that I was there. Considering that work is a huge part of my life and that I really enjoy what I do, I had to rethink how I was approaching each day and situation. So my focus is to rethink how I let things get to me and also that I need to be more honest with my peers and boss about these items. I am now in my second week of trying this and it has worked out fairly well. Last week I talked to my boss about a co-worker who was dropping the ball on assignments (for an entire semester) that I was forced to pick up the slack. I did not want to call this person out, but I was tired of it wearing me down. I felt that the conversation went well and even if nothing changes, I did what was needed to get the stress off of my shoulders and back on to his. I refuse to pick up his slack anymore. I also have to change my outlook on MS and fertility. I am reminded constantly by the MS community that I should stop trying to figure out when, why and where things are going to happen. Instead just know that things will happen, these items are out of my control and that is that. I have to stop focusing on every numb arm and leg, bout of dizziness, exhaustion, odd-shaped uterus :) ...when it is big, I will address it. For now, this is just my norm.
Continue to tweak my diet. I have really done well in this past year as you all know from my posts, but there are still some areas to work on. I want to cut out more sugar, which is my addiction. For example, it is easy to snack on some sweet tarts because I know they are gluten & dairy free and they are soooo good. But instead of having a bowl of them at my work desk, instead, I will allow them to be a once in a while treat.

All in fertility

2011-01-04T08:40:00.000-08:00

I really had not given the details of everything since I found out I had a bicornuate/ septate uterus. I figured for those other 0.05 - 0.1% of women who have this and those of you that would like an update, I would go into detail a little more. My OB/GYN had me go to a reproductive endocrinologist after the discovery of my 'heart-shaped' uterus. A very nice doctor here in Akron, Dr. Moretuzzo sat me in his office and gave me the list of testing that was to begin:

Hormone Blood Draw: To make sure that my hormones were actually stimulating my body to do what it is supposed to do.
Hysterosalpingogram (HSG): This test involves radioactive die that is injected into your uterus and fallopian tubes. This will give them a better view of the shape of my uterus as well as if there are any problems with my fallopian tubes.
Renal Ultrasound: Huh? You are probably wondering what this is for. 25% of women with a Mullerian Anomoly on their uterus will also have a renal issue - one kidney, bladder malformation, malformation of one kidney...you get the picture.
Sperm Count: Thank goodness Paul had to do something. I feel as if I am always having one test or another, what with MS and now this fertility stuff, it was nice to share. :)

Today I followed up with the Reproductive Endocrinologist, all testing answers were to be revealed. At this point I was ready to throw in the towel of this whole idea of having a child. I mean, I felt like I have just had a little too much time spent in doctors office in the past year and almost every appointment I have had, had bad results...so I was not counting on much. That way is much easier, then I am not so disappointed with bad news. I also was able to drag my husband with me, he hates doctors appointments and he feels very awkward, but I managed.

Dr. Moretuzzo came out to the lobby to meet us, I always enjoy that personal touch - it makes you feel a little more cared for, and pulled us into his office. He opened my thick folder (gotta love health issues) and started to tell us the results.

The blood draw was fine, I have the right levels of hormones and thyroid levels, things are where they are supposed to be. (YAY!!!!)
The HSG (which btw was the most painful procedure I have ever had). Showed that I have a bicornuate/ septate uterus (which we knew), but I could actually look at it and see it. It is a more severe separation than he had hoped for. This means that if I become pregnant (which is more difficult), I will have around a 50% chance of miscarrying. However, since we know about my uterus shape already, he can do some things as a precaution to prevent a miscarriage. I also have a blocked fallopian tube, which he said could be from some endometriosis - explaining the crazy cramps and periods that I have. This also adds a problem, I am only ovulating out of one side.
The renal ultrasound came back completely normal (thank goodness for small wins).
The sperm count was a little interesting, although Paul's numbers are great - he has some issues with the shape of them.

Dr. Moretuzzo explained that the next step is for me to start Clomid (which is a drug that causes your ovaries to make eggs), sperm cleaning (where they pick only his best guys) and then they inject them into me on my most fertile day. This improves chances by around 50%, especially because they will make sure that I am ovulating on the side that can reach the uterus. If I have a miscarriage then we will have laproscopic surgery to look around at everything. If my uterus only has a septum (which they cannot tell yet), they can actually remove some of it so that my shape is more normal. If I am bicornuate (which means there are distinct halves), there is little that they can do. He would also be able to look at my tube and see if there was anyway to repair it. However, that surgery is not always successful, so I am a little hesitant to think that will be an option.

Ok, so what does this all mean...well hope. It means that there is still a small glimmer that I can get pregnant and a small glimmer that it will be successful. I will take a small glimmer, that is more than I have had in a while and something to lift some of the weight I have been carrying around.

2011 and such

2011-01-03T11:11:00.000-08:00

Some of you might have noticed a disappearing post last week. I published and then thought better of it and unpublished. I am not going to lie, 2010 sucked a big one and I am scared of hoping for the new year. I just am not sure how much I am willing to 'reveal' on here. I want to be very honest about my struggles, but at the same time - my struggle is very individual and personal. When I feel something and somebody gives their two-cents, it is not that they do not have valid points, it is more that I need to be allowed to feel something without it being diminished by somebody who has a healthy body, has things going well or cannot relate to where I am at currently. You know the whole 'walk a mile in their shoes'.

So 2010 brought:

Accepting a new disease at the age of 28-29
Finding out that I am infertile and so far not looking very positive
Job was T-O-U-G-H on me emotionally
Both of my only living grandparents were in the hospital and may be pushing their last years
Put down the family dog (family member)
Husband was promoted twice and is now MIA in the police academy (Great for him, but lonely for me)
Finished my first marathon after my MS diagnosis (hoping that I can do a few more)
Dizziness that lasted 4 months early in the year
Diet changes and health awareness (both have helped, not always easy)

This past holiday was the toughest test to my diet yet (I had not changed my diet at this time last year). My mom and sister were determined to make me feel like I was not missing anything (they did a great job) but there were still the times that you miss, the food that you miss and the family members who make you painfully aware of your struggles (if I hear that gluten-free tastes weird one more time...). I am still on track though, so I guess I have that.

I am ok

2010-11-15T05:08:00.000-08:00

Sorry for the last post, but sometimes things just seem completely unfair (I know - insert lecture about how life is not fair). I needed a moment to wallow before sucking it up and moving forward. I will find more from the doctor on the Monday after Thanksgiving, so decisions will be made then in regards to having a child. :)

I did have two people offer to carry my child for me, ha that is funny. Other than that, I need to see in my heart if I am OK with NOT having a child and what that all means to me. I am not jumping to any decisions; not until I talk with my doctor, my husband, God and myself. I am sad about this, everyone hopes that getting pregnant will be as easy as it is for many friends - I swear half of them sneeze and they are pregnant. Unfortunately, like many other things in my life, that is not my luck. I happened to get a little more than some others and there are people that have gotten more than me, so dang it, I guess that is just the way it is.

On another note, I had 4 days off in a row at work - the most glorious November Fall days I can remember and it was good. Good for me to rest my body, good for me to rest my soul and good for my household chores :) .

And another thing to add to the plate

2010-11-04T17:20:00.000-07:00

I was not sure if I should blog on this or not, but hey let it all out...right?!

Some of you know (many do not) that I have been trying to get pregnant for over a year now. Before the MS diagnosis - before the year of that. Just something that the hubby and I were ready for. After 6 years of marriage, finally out of school and finally financially secure - it was that time. I was told to prep by taking my pre-natal vitamin, sleeping correctly, handling stress (ha, that is funny) and avoiding a lot of alcohol. 3 months into trying came the MS diagnosis, but not a worry, pregnancy is great for those of us with MS. My neuro was so encouraging, touting studies where MS will actually stand still during pregnancy and even have positive effects later on - something about being able to stave off the cane and possible wheelchair, because those who have given birth actually have less gait (ie walking) issues later on.

So we continued on, many times I thought I was pregnant but was not - those who have been through this know the heart ache. During this year+ my periods became worse; cramping, heavy bleeding (sorry guys), exhaustion and even frequent periods (like every two weeks). My OB said to give it a full year and then we would begin testing for infertility issues. So a month ago I had my year check up and she was not happy with the irregular periods and especially the frequent ones, although she said the stress of the new diagnosis could cause some problems. So I had the joy of having a pelvic and intra-vaginal ultrasound (yes it is as obnoxious as it sounds) two weeks ago with the PROMISE that results would be the next day. After waiting for two days for information I finally called my OB. Oops, their fax machine was down and they had not received the results from the radiologist (just my luck) but they would call and get back to me soon. Two more days passed and finally a call from the doc. Oops, the radiologist was on vacation and they did not like his reading of the ultrasound, just another week of waiting and we will know what is going on.

Another week passed and I find myself in Memphis for a big conference for my industry. I am one of the lead presenters (which is a big deal), having a great time networking and learning more about my career. I just happened to be on a break between sessions and my phone rang. I did not recognize the number, but it was 330 area code so I figured it was either someone from my work or a number that I had lost with the phone change (just got a new phone).

"Hi Julia, this is Dr. Morris' office"

"Yes"

"Remember the ultrasound you had a few weeks back?"

No - I don't remember the condom wrapped dildo that they used to see my insides, REALLY! - I thought.

"Well, we are going to need to make an appointment for you, unfortunately we cannot get you in until after Thanksgiving"

"Ok?"

"Well you see, the radiologist came back with your results. You have something called a heart-shaped uterus or a bicornuate uterus, do you know what this is?"

No, bitch, tell me - I thought.

"No, I don't"

"Well your uterus is in two halves, basically during your development your uterus did not attach completely together"

WTF - I thought

"What does this mean"

"Well, the doctor would like to talk more about this when you come in after Thanksgiving, but it could be a big part of your inability to get pregnant. It can cause infertility"

"Ok?"

"It is not very common, it happens in less than 1% of the population, she will give you more detail when you come in"

"There are not appointments before Thanksgiving?" I was more thinking - are you f-ing kidding me, you call me at a conference to tell me I am infertile (after two weeks of waiting) and you cannot get me in next week.

"Sorry, we are swamped"

"Ok, thank you" More like - who in the hell calls you and then tells you they cannot see you for a month.

So I am not sure what this all means, the WWW only puts more thoughts in my head; those with this problem have a higher incidence of late miscarriage (after 15 - 20 weeks), infertility and mental retardation. Oh great, another lottery win for me. First MS, then this. Wait, wait. Maybe I should play the lottery since I am so good a contracting this rare and joyous health gifts.

At this point I think the big guy upstairs may be playing a joke on me. I am super stressed at my job, I have MS and now this. Really, will I tumble from the plane tomorrow and die? I just feel like that would be par for course - I mean REALLY!

So, I guess it is another waiting game and more heartache for me. I just wish that something positive would happen in my life, something really good would come. I am sick and tired of being sick and tired. The funny thing is that sitting back and looking at my life, it all seems like a cruel joke. Those who really know me, know that this is real, but it almost is surreal. My concern with all of this is my job. I have a lady at work who has lupus and people always comment about how she is always sick and not in that, oh no, she is sick way. More in the, she is faking it way. Even last year when I was going to all of my appointments that come with having a chronic autoimmune disease like MS, a person at my work had the nerve to say that they never get sick. Well good for f-ing you.

So tonight I sit alone in a two room suite in Memphis. Laughing about my lot in life (really I cannot cry about this stuff anymore) and drinking a glass of wine. I will make it, what other choice is there. Someone said that God only gives you what you can handle, I do not believe that, because some of us get a lot more than others and I am not sure that I am handling it as much as scraping by.

To all my MS blog buddies, you know what I mean, we all have had a hard life. You can either die or make it. I guess I choose to make it.

Running pictures AK marathon & Towpath

2010-10-26T06:26:00.000-07:00

Before the race sister silliness

Team Julia

Team Julia and the back of the shirts

Two beautiful women in my life; my sister and bestest

Taking pictures during the race (yes, I carried a camera)

Grandma at mile 1

Running with Dad - Mile 7

Friends at Mile 9

(Thanks Kim - Pand I at Mile ~24 - note I stopped taking pictures)

The End - Ak Marathon snapped this as we ran in, my favorite pic

Sometimes it is nice to cheer on family and friends on their runs, so Paul and I headed down to the Towpath Marathon - look at the Fall leaves!

Dad giving me a high five in the Towpath 10K

My mother-in-law Sue running her FIRST half-marathon (she started running in her 50s)

Dad's Finish

Sue's friend Diane in her first half marathon

Sue's Finish

Sue's finish from behind

P and her chatting

Akron Marathon Race Report

2010-10-14T11:37:00.000-07:00

After an extremely warm week, the weather called for high of 65 and partly sunny for the race. My whole family and some friends purchased the "I run to stop MS" shirts to run with me during the race (and my mom, grandpa and grandma watching the race). I felt nervous as always, but I was glad to have my sister, husband and friend to run with me, I knew I could make it with them.

Although this is my third marathon, I knew that my prep was not nearly as on par as other years. I skipped many weekly runs due to the heat - I just could not get enough energy to force myself out in 85 degrees and high humidity, I literally melt. My lack of prep combined with my odd races the weeks before, made my nerves jump even more.

Morning of the race went well, saw many of my friends and family and we all got in line with out 'Team Julia - I run to stop MS' shirts. I felt loved and I always feed off of the energy of the 10,000 runners around me. The key for me in a marathon is to start out slow. I always want to get pulled with the crowd, but I have to remind myself - 26.2 miles to go, slow yourself down. I was hoping to average 12 min/mi this year for a PR of 5 hours, but you know how the best laid plans go...

Mile 1 10.44 (a little fast but mainly flat and easy)

Mile 2 10.57

Mile 3 11.08

Mile 4 & 5 21.33

Mile 6 11.06

Mile 7 11.21

Mile 8 11.30

Mile 9 10.58

Mile 10 13.08 (bathroom break)

Mile 11 12.19

Mile 12 11.31

Mile 13 13.12 (sister started to not feel well - I was still feeling strong at this point and after a pee break I was still hydrated

Mile 14 11.42

Mile 15 11.29

Mile 16 13.20 (at this point my sister was feeling really bad and asked me to go without her and Paul and I went on alone)

Mile 17 11.33

Mile 18 12.24

Mile 19 16.17 (felt really dehydrated and went to use the restroom, uh oh, somehow made a mistake with my drinking or body was not absorbing what I took in)

Mile 20 13.23 (slowing down, did not feel right and could not get a gel in without feeling like I was going to throw up - luckily my friend's Kim and Andy came out to cheer me on and get me moving for the next couple of miles.)

Mile 21 12.36 (moved to run 1 walk 1 - was still moving at a good clip but could tell body was not feeling right)

Mile 22 14.50 (took in electrolytes again, thought I was going to up chuck, sun came out and HR jumped up and I was sweating much more profusely. I was joined on the trek)

Mile 23 16.38 (could not run without stomach feeling horrid)

Mile 24 18.52 (walking, cramps, stomach problems and Paul was so supportive, was not sure I was going to make it)

Mile 25 20.49 (pissed, now the downhills were keeping me slow, I kept having to stop and stretch and leaned on Paul A LOT)

Mile 26 & .2 17.10 (I tried to jog some and at least jogged into the stadium)

Finish Time: 5:42:42

Not a PR but not my worst race either. I did not have nutrition dialed in and I did not train to my best ability but I finished. It was a very emotional finish, somehow all of the feelings of the past year came flooding back and as I took the step over the finish line, I thought about how this could be my last one and that many things are just unknown with this disease. I was so glad that I came around from from my low energy and on and off symptoms (even at the beginning of summer) to actually finishing the marathon. I was never once confident that it was going to just happen, but it did. Wow. So I have a lot of amazing pictures (I caried a camera the whole way and from good friends - thanks Kim) and I will post a blog with those pictures soon.

Thank you to everyone who supported me through this!

I am not dead, just busy

2010-10-07T12:39:00.000-07:00

I apologize for not posting about the marathon yet - I will this weekend. I finished but my legs blew out at mile 22 and I did not get my nutrition right this year. BUT - I finished my first marathon after my MS diagnosis. I will write more details this weekend.

Air Force 10K

2010-09-21T13:45:00.000-07:00

As you can see I have a September stretch of races that I do almost every year. This one is part of the Air Force Marathon and works out in my taper - plus my father was an Air Force F-15 fighter pilot, my brother-in-law is a 2nd Lieutenant - and the Air Force has special meaning to us all. This year my father-in-law ran the entire marathon, my father the half-marathon, my mother-in-law the 10K; so it was (as always) a family affair. We had to get to the base (Wright- Patterson) early because with 12,000 runners entering 3 gates, it takes a while to get in. I was up at 4:30 am and we parked at 6:30. The marathon and 10K both begin on the same course at 7:15 am, with the half-marathon falling later on a different course at 8:30 am.

This years logistics were a bit lacking; parking took longer (we had to walk a mile in pitch black over a pretty bumpy ground), there were not enough port-o-pots and I knew I was making mistake by not getting to use the rest room before the race started. Oh well, after a C-3 fly by and a beautiful rendition of the National Anthem the marathoners and 10Kers were off.

The first half of a mile is on old runway and is bone flat, but that just allows enough warm up before a 250 ft climb in less than a 1/4 mi. My first mile was a little too fast at 8:48 but my heart rate was a steady 170. The only problem was that I knew that I would have to stop at a port-o-pot (GI issues). Dang, about 50 other runners had the same idea and I stood there as the time clicked by. After the rest room and a little bit of a slow run to get back into it, I hit mile 2 at 14:52. Err, I knew I was at a great race weight and I had a PR in me, so I told myself to get back in the groove over the slight up and down 3rd mile and finished it in 10:17. After that I found my legs finally feeling full power and I told myself I could pick up the pace to try to get at least even with my previous 10Ks. The downhill fourth mile passed at 8:19. I knew I could not hold that fast but I knew I could try and be around 9:00 for the last two pancake flat miles. Mile 5 passed at 9:09 and mile 6 passed at 9:10. I finished the 10K at 1:02:32. Not a PR for the course, but if you minus the bathroom mile, I was flying (for me).

My fear is that I have had issues at my past two races - side stitch and GI issues - and I am a bit worried about the upcoming marathon. To top it off I have had flu-like symptoms the past two days (why me). I know that you never can tell what happens with a race but I am not having a good taper. :(

The good news is that I have a few days to rest up, I have my sister, husband & friend from Georgia (Eric) coming to run the marathon with me and help me get through this. I just ask that the stars align and that at least the race passes without many issues.

If you are coming out this weekend to cheer we will be wearing running banana Team Julia shirts with this design.

9 mi Potato Stomp Race Report

2010-09-14T09:31:00.000-07:00

One of my favorite races of the entire year. This grassroots race is at a great price ($12), great time in the year, pretty scenery, challenging hills, lots o' prizes and "has the friendliest spectators around". In fact two years ago I won the main raffle prize - a pocket bike.

I was not nearly as scared or nervous as my half marathon a few weeks ago. The weather was brisk (good for me), sunny and I had already completed a half...no biggie. I was joined by a lot of the ladies from work. 1 student, 2 graduate assistants, aquatics manager and me - GREAT turn out. 4 of us are all around the same speed, so there was a healthy competition going as well. I wanted to 'push' it a little harder this year and having some ladies to keep in mind was a good choice.

The race started in the potato stomp traditional manner with all of us running over potato chips. The first 1.5 miles are down hill and I found myself cruising 9:40(1), 8:50 (2). The next 2 rolling miles were 9:45(3) & 9:50 (4). All of a sudden I got a side cramp, not just a little annoying one, but a take- you- down side cramp. I was frustrated as all of my girls passed me, but I did not stop for long. I managed to finish out the race at 1:31:20, which is not bad - but I would have been around 1:26 if I could have stayed with my pace.

This weekend is the Air Force 10K followed by the Akron Marathon in two weeks. Phew, I hope that the weather stays cool!

Buckeye Half Marathon

2010-08-31T08:25:00.000-07:00

To be honest - I was nervous. For some reason (even though I have already run 18 miles for training), this race was a benchmark. Something to see if this whole MS year of crazy was going to keep me from doing the marathon. Something that has not happened in a year....a half marathon race.

I have had a down and up summer so far. As stated before, June was filled with a vertigo problem that almost made me give up on training. I was feeling tired and dizzy and ready to throw in the towel for training and then July hit. All of a sudden I was able to run 10, 12 ,13, 14 miles....wait a second, my body was starting to respond. August has even been better - I found myself doing even an 18 mi run. :)

So here I was Sunday morning, a nice cool morning which I always appreciate, ready to start a half marathon. The feeling that I had come a far way was just emotional and the feeling that I was lucky to be standing here made my heart race. I was ready to accomplish something that once was not even a concern to me - it is just a half.

Once again the race was a family and friend affair. Brandon and Mel were there, as well as Melissa & Diane from work. My father, my father-in -law, my mother-in-law and some other folks that I have gotten to know over time. Kim even came out to support us and take pictures.

The race started at 8:00 am and it was probably 60 degrees and nice at that time. It was a large group this year - somewhere around 1,000 participants and we all walked the 1/4 mile to the start. Diane from work was interested in running with me, since I was CLAIMING that I was going to use this as a training run, keeping my heart rate at 60 - 70% and staying somewhere between 11 min - 12 min/mile. Well I did not expect to feel good.

The first mile was a quick one, Diane looked at me with her Garmin and said you know we are running a 9:40/ mi pace. I smiled and said, let's see what happens. I knew that I could not maintain that rate once the heat set in, so I thought I should keep myself at a little harder pace to begin with, plus for some reason, I was not dying. Heart rate was more around 70 - 80%, but it is a race. Mile 1 - 6 my time was 1 hr and 3 min. I was smokin' (well for me this year anyway). I felt good and was ready for the second lap.

For the second lap, it did get warmer, my paced slowed down to a more 11:00 min/mile pace but I was still running. Not at one point in the race did I feel bad. I finished with a time of 2:18:34 for an avg of 10:35/mi.

No this is not a PR, yes I am happy. Today marked a goal obtained...what will tomorrow bring?

BTW, you still can give money on my behalf to Run MS. My sister is running the AK marathon for MS and me. Donate here!

Diet Update 2 - THE POSITIVES

2010-08-07T08:06:00.000-07:00

When I started to research about changing my diet I found some personal accounts of people who exclaimed that with in one week they started to feel changes; more energy and a clear head. I cannot say that this was the case for me, but over the past 6 months I have seen many improvements. I also have found that I was not craving the foods that I gave up nearly as much as I had thought I would. I guess for me, the health of my body was a much stronger pull than food.

More Energy - One of the things that has crept up on me in the past months is more energy. When I had my first attack I found myself needing somewhere between 10 - 12 hours of sleep each evening and even with the sleep I found myself exhausted every morning. I felt as if all that I did was sleep and work. If I had any extra time during the day, I would take naps to keep me awake. I am not sure when it happened but at some point I found myself with more energy. Currently, I get around 8 hours of sleep and even less some nights without feeling completely spent. I also have more energy for extracurricular like exercise and hanging with friends, which is a nice change from this past winter.

Those who have been around me have noticed as well, I have crept out of the zombie land for the time being. Last week I ran 13 miles and I felt a little tired, but my body responded better than I would have thought. I am not saying every day is perfect, but let's say I have more good days than bad.

Impulse Control & Planning - I would not say that I would over eat a lot, but I know that last summer working out 5-6 times a week- that many times we would go out to eat. At least once a week at a bar with some fried foods and beer. I am sure that I was not putting the best foods into me.

With this diet I have to plan out food and meals for everything. When I go on a weekend conference for work. When I go out for the day. When I go on vacation. Lunch (and dinner) for work. Every time I need a snack. Every time I am hungry. I also have to make sure that I have food (just in case). There is no getting hungry.

Currently I eat breakfast (usually GF/DF cereal and rice mik) at 6 am, fruit at 8 am, almonds or walnuts at 10 am, lunch at noon - 1(lots of veggies; salad with turkey, fruit, carrots), handful of GF pretzels or similar at 3-4 pm and dinner at 7 pm (something different each day - the summer has been a lot of grilling!). I eat all day, but really it equals less saturated fat, a lot of fruits,veggies, nuts and little to no refined sugar (most days).

I also avoid most eating out times. I cannot get wings and pizza, I cannot drink beer (drink much really), I cannot stuff myself at the family outings or vacations - I have specific GF/DF stuff (my family has been great to make stuff I can eat). I am eating like I should have years ago.

Weight Loss -This really was a tertiary effect. I was never planning on weight loss, I thought it might happen but it was not a focus. In fact in Early May I weighed the same as in early February, if in 3 months I had not lost anything I probably wouldn't. So I quit paying attention.

All of a sudden my clothes were fitting a lot looser and I was getting comments about whether I had lost weight. I would not consider myself a giant girl but I was always 'curvy' as they say. I finally weighed myself and 10 lbs had dropped off since May. I say dropped off because last year I was working out WAAAAY more. I spent the year trail running, training for marathons, swimming, road biking, mountain biking, on a two week backpacking trip and this year there were months that I was lucky I put in 30 miles of anything. I am still only hitting maybe 3 - 4 workouts a week.

I knew this was true, as an exercise science major they always said diet was much more important than exercise for losing weight. Study after study touting those set up on a strictly a diet change compared with those only on a exercise regimen, continuously lost more weight. Of course the combination of both is the best.

No fuzz head - I still have my memory relapses where I cannot spit out what I need to say. I now think this is directly related to the MS but more on that some other time. I have noticed a fog that was with me has lifted. I can only describe it like those days that your sinuses cause the head pressure and you feel like you cannot think clearly. Now I am a little more alert, focused at the job in hand. That makes me feel a lot more confident in my job and tasks that I take on.

Really tasting things - Yes this sounds cliche, but I think that I found appreciation of things that sometimes were rushed. I always have had a love of food, a mother who should have been a chef (self taught) taught me the appreciation of food from all over the world. Being an Air Force Brat, we had the chance to travel and appreciate food from all over. In my adult life time got in the way. Paul is a good cook, but we had our standing meals that were repeated every other if not every week, because we were both tired from working all day.

Everything changed when I decided to do this. My mother who once cooked delicious home-made macaroni and cheese, is now baking breads and cookies that I can eat. Paul will spend a good hour or two prepping meals that simmer for hours. We are using more herbs to flavor than we ever had; the sweet smell of cardamon, cloves, cinnamon from the Indian dishes, to the fresh sage, shallot and parsley potatoes that sit as a side to a fresh bison steak and grilled asparagus.

I want to be clear, I am lucky. The supportive friends and family who have accommodated to my diet are amazing. I have been blessed by many. Paul who has just been taking this as challenge to keep me from craving anything I once had. My mom who bakes for hours or cooks to bring me over a hamburger buns so that I can participate in the cook out. My aunt and cousin who are experimenting and making dishes for the family get together. My friends who will go to PF Chang's (for their GF/DF options), Vegiterranean (Vegan/GF), Altieri's (GF Fried chicken) over and over to just go out with me. I am so loved.

I also want to be careful as to say this is curing me. I do not know. I will not know, really. I am 9 months into a diagnosis that hit me like a brick wall. I am still reeling and trying to make sense of everything. I read blogs about those who have had a rough time of MS, those who are still climbing mountains with MS, and a lot that are in between. In someway this diet is a bit of control , even if control is just an illusion, but in someways isn't all control an illusion?

Control is an Illusion
Attempting to control external events
will never keep us safe.
Control is an Illusion.
Whatever we try to control,
we separate from ourselves.
Whatever we try to fix,
we ruin.
Life is sacred,
and flows exactly as it should
We return to our breathing.
It knows exactly what to do,
rising and falling without conscious control.
In the same way
We sometimes have excess
and sometimes lack.
We sometimes assert ourselves
and sometimes hold back.
We sometimes succeed
and sometimes fail completely.
Our practice is to see all of this
without taking it seriously.
-Lao Tzu

Diet Update 1 - THE CHALLENGES

2010-07-30T08:59:00.000-07:00

I have been meaning to update on my diet- the gluten (GF), dairy (casein) free (CF), low-sugar and low saturated fat diet that I have been on for 6 months now (wow, time has been flying by), it has been a learning experience and I really wanted to see some benefits before I proclaim this is the cure all. Of course I cannot really know that it is not working unless I get frequent attacks and here is hoping that it is working and I don't have any major attacks anytime soon.

If you have the time, please read this article really explaining why I have chosen to start this diet [here] or this last blog 1 month into the diet [here].

I did not want to touch on the positives without talking about some of the challenges. AND it can be a challenge at times.:

Eating at other people's homes - I love all of my friends and family, but with a lifestyle change like this for me, it has been a change/challenge for others (without that being the purpose). No one can just invite me over; gluten and dairy are in many forms and more than just the obvious. People cannot have the knowledge base of the months of research that I have done and although they want to be nice - I cannot eat at most people's houses (sorry).

A lot of friends have learned this quickly when they bought a gluten-free brownie mix to make me that contain milk or they found a dairy/gluten free mix and realize they do not have Vegan margarine called for in the recipe. Whey is in almost any margarine, you have to buy a Vegan brand and that means running out and purchasing something that you may not ever use again. Other culprits of hidden dairy can be found in boxed GF cereals, GF breads, Deli Meat, Vegetarian Margarine (not vegan), and GF protein bars. Sometimes things will be labled well, so look for gluten-free/casein-free products or gluten-free/vegan products. Gluten can be just as bad and is added into things like soy sauce, deli meat, seasonings, thickeners, malt flavorings, etc.

Anyway, these things are harder to spot than you think. My grandfather found this out when he bought some bbq meats at Ol' Carolina Restaurant for July 4th. I asked him to call about whether their meats were gluten & dairy free. "Ah, chicken and ribs are gluten and dairy free!" Sure enough their chicken and any poultry product of theirs contain gluten because of the seasoning (luckily I was good with the ribs).

To get around this, I plan to eat before we hang out with people or bring my own food or invite them over for a GF/CF meal. Of course that causes its own problems with folks getting their feelings hurt, etc. In our society many social activities occur over food, well that poses a problem for those of us who have made diet changes. I can't help but offend some, at this point though the people who really love me will accommodate.

Being around food when I am hungry - I learned this early on, make sure I am never really hungry. This is tough and means packing lunch, dinner, snacks, etc to make sure that at no point in the day that I feel this way. Over the past 6 months it has happened twice; one time when my mom had called a breakfast place and they said they could accommodate my diet. I had run 8 miles that morning, waited for everyone to get ready, got to the restaurant and they really could not accommodate. I sat there feeling tired, low blood sugar and watching everyone eat delicious looking toast, omelets, gravy, etc while I was hungry. It took everything in me not to cry.

The second time it happened was just a few weeks ago on our vacation. I had planned to eat at Wendy's for lunch (I can have their baked potato and chili) before we were to meet some friends at a pub to watch the final world cup game. I got to the Wendy's and they were out of baked potatoes and chili and I had no alternative plan. At that moment the weight of the past year landed on my shoulders and I felt how sick I was and how much of an impact this has made on my life. I was again, almost in tears.

Food is a powerful thing. If you are hungry, you can forget it, diet changes will be HARD. As long as I am in the same day to day schedule I am fine, but when traveling or changing things I find myself struggling. BUT, I have to say over the course of 180 days - 2 have been really hard - well that is ok.

Still liking the taste of things - Just because I started this diet does not mean that things do not still sound delicious. Some days I want to rip into a crusty french bread loaf and drizzle brie all over it all the while having a few tasty micro brews. I chose this diet for my health and health reasons ONLY. I am acting on the strongest self-control that I have EVER tapped in to. My secret? I imagine myself putting lesions on my brain with every bit of dairy and gluten that I eat.

We cook A LOT - This is both a good and bad thing. Good because I am exploring cooking like never before, I change the menu a lot to keep it interesting and I find that the meals we make are ususally gourmet & delicious. Bad because when you work a 60 hour week, sometimes energy is tapped and the idea of cooking just wears on you. I also have to plan the meals for the week - sit down make a plan, write down all of the ingredients we need to buy and then go grocery shopping, phew...I should win an award for organization. :)

The cost of groceries has sky rocketed - Yeah, when you eat pounds of fresh fruits and vegetables (usually try to get organic and right now we are paying into a CSA) and your diet requires special GF/CF purchases, you find that the cost has almost doubled when we go to the grocery store. However, we are not eating out much, so I guess it evens out. Sometimes the sticker shock can get you.

I also have incorporated a pile of supplements; Morning - Multi, Acidophilus, Vit B12; Lunch - Calcium; Dinner - Omega 3-6-9, Vit B12, D3 and Calcium. If you know about supplements, then you know that they are not cheap...especially because I take so many.

This seems like a lot of negatives, but really the positives to outweigh any issues stated above. I will write another blog about the positives in the next few days.

The past few weeks

2010-07-16T12:11:00.000-07:00

Mourning the loss of your dog is harder than I had imagined. It took over a week for me to not cry at least once a day about it. Those emotions have been stretched out lately, but they are still here - I guess you never stop loving or missing someone (even your dog).

To keep me from falling into even more of a low than this year has already beat me into, I managed to work extra and go on vacation.

Vacation was wonderful - I went to Florida to visit my sister in Pensacola. Usually I would avoid going to FL at the hottest time of the year, but I also had the chance to meet with 5 of the people that I hiked the AT with (and that never happens).

So without further time, here are my past few weeks in photos (some of vaca - some of just stuff).

Lauren and I at PHISH

My sister's car getting saran wrapped by her students

AT Reunion at PF Chang's in Gulf Breeze, FL

Ketchup doing her favorite thing - eating Ketchup ;)

Blue Angels on Pensacola Beach

Me with a Blue Angel in the back - notice how dark the water is...oil. :(

Sis and I - water still dark (on this side of the beach)

The light sand is what the beach should look like, the dark part is oil water residue

An oil glob

Hilton Sign on your way back in...

Where we got fresh fish for the week - yum, yum

Paul and I on a non-oily section of the beach

More Blue Angels at the beach (we saw them twice)

Em and I at Fort Pickens National Seashore

Paul and I getting in the water

As for other things, I managed two runs while in Florida, one 12 miler in extreme heat and humidity (that I survived it was amazing). Also, my diet of no gluten & dairy has been going strong, I have been meaning to write a blog about it - one of these days.

In memory of my dog Mingus

2010-06-26T16:00:00.000-07:00

Mingus "The Bean-er" Neal May 1997 - June 26, 2010

There are no words to describe the love I have for this dog. She was such a loving, sweet creature. She became part of my life when I fell in love with Paul. Paul's strict nature with her made it so that I bonded with Mingus right away. She knew I was the one that would melt when she begged for food or let her on the couch when I was cold. I realized quickly that she would snuggle better than anyone, nuzzling her head into my arm and resting her body heavily next to me - we could lay like that for hours. She trained with my sister and I when we would hike 10 or 15 miles at time, getting ready for the Appalachian Trail. When I started running, Mingus ran with me. She was so energetic and happy that I would only have to wear some running or hiking clothes and she knew what to expect.

People-ing as we call it (she would do this in crowds, almost acting like she was a person)

She was also there for the tough times. When I found out my father had cancer and cried alone at home, she knew. She put her head on my lap and looked at me - almost as if to say she was sorry. When my MS diagnosis came, she became my solace. The times that I would cry alone, she would let me hold her and lick my arm.

Hanging out with Pollen (cat)

It has been about a downhill year for Mingus. She was first diagnosed with a slow growing lung cancer in October (one week before my MS attack)...it was devastating. Her mind has been going this year as well. This once even keeled, loving dog who enjoyed everything became fearful. She started to have separation anxiety when we left for work; she has been knocking over furniture, pulling down couch cushions and hiding in the basement on our dirty laundry. The dog who traveled the country, now shakes and pants violently when we drive even a short distance. She is not happy and it took a long time for Paul and I to be OK with that. We needed to put our feelings aside and think of her. This is the right decision - just not easy.

Mingus running (so sleek)

Today we said goodbye to a family member. There will not be another one just like her. Goodbye Dear Friend.

Her last hike with me (yesterday)...

The Power of the Dog
There is sorrow enough in the natural way
From men and women to fill our day;
And when we are certain of sorrow in store,
Why do we always arrange for more?
Brothers and sisters, I bid you beware
Of giving your heart to a dog to tear.
Buy a pup and your money will buy
Love unflinching that cannot lie--
Perfect passsion and worship fed
By a kick in the ribs or a pat on the head.
Nevertheless it is hardly fair
To risk your heart to a dog to tear.
When the fourteen years which Nature permits
Are closing in asthma, or tumor, or fits,
And the vet's unspoken prescription runs
To lethal chambers or loaded guns,
Then you will find--it's your own affair--
But ... you've given your heart to a dog to tear.

When the body that lived at your single will,
With its whimper of welcome, is stilled (how still!)
When the spirit that answered your every mood
Is gone--wherever it goes--for good,
You will discover how much you care,
And will give your heart to a dog to tear.

We've sorrow enough in the natural way,
When it comes to burying Christian clay.
Our loves are not given, but only lent,
At compound interest of cent per cent.
Though it is not always the case, I believe,
That the longer we've kept 'em, the more do we grieve:
For, when debts are payable, right or wrong,
A short-term loan is as bad as a long--
So why in--Heaven (before we are there)
Should we give our hearts to a dog to tear?

-Rudyard Kipling

The way that I will always remember her

Summer is passing by

2010-06-16T11:52:00.000-07:00

Where is it going? Work and not feeling well.

Ever since the week before the Twinsburg Duathlon I have had major vertigo, nausea (from the vertigo) and electric shock that runs my body when I lower my head. GAWD! I still managed a few workouts (including an 8 mi run) but not enough to really give you guys a weekly update. My body is just so exhausted after working that I barely stay awake past 8 pm during the week. I am ready to do things on the weekend, but something about mid week workouts has been tough.

I was joined in my misery last week when my husband had tooth pain for an entire week (he finally went and got a root canal). We were a fun bunch - me trying to eat with the feeling like I was going to throw up and him trying to only chew on one side. We looked a little "special" if you ask me...hehe.

The new electrical shock symptom is called L'Hermittes Sign. It is to difficult for me to describe so here is WebMD's description.

Lhermitte’s sign (also known as Lhermitte’s phenomenon) is the name given to a brief electric shock-like sensation that occurs when flexing or moving the neck. This sensation radiates down the spine, often into the legs, arms, and occasionally, the trunk.

At some point, about 38% of individuals with MS will experience Lhermitte’s sign, sometimes as a presenting symptom. In MS this sign is considered a sign of active lesions on the cervical spine. Lhermitte’s sign was named after Jacques Jean Lhermitte, the renowned French neurologist and neuropsychiatrist who first characterized it.

Note the bold area - am I supposed to assume that if this is true I am in active attack mode? :( Dang it! I am trying so hard to stay above everything with proper diet, a pound of supplements (or at least it feels that way) and extra sleep. BUT, my stress levels are not down at work and I do not know what to do about this. I wish we were rich and I could quit my job and take care of my body like I need to...but doesn't everyone? Dreaming that I won the lottery won't help my stress levels - I just need to figure it out.

As for good news, I have amazing friends and family!!!! I pretty much suck to be around lately and yet my hubby tells me I am beautiful and wonderful daily. The women at my work try to protect me from the stress and send me beautiful notes telling me they will do anything to help. One of my bestest friends Lauren (who is a massage therapist and gives me regular Reiki and massage treatments) - took care of me during a concert that was way to hot and I lost vision - she held my hand to make sure I got everywhere safely. I am blessed, beyond belief by those who surround me...I just wish that I could make sense of it all.

A lot of MSers say to stay positive, but that sure is hard when you feel like shit. I am trying, I really am, it just wears me down.

Twinsburg Duathlon Race Report

2010-06-08T13:04:00.000-07:00

The morning of the race I woke up at 3:45 am not feeling really hot. The past week has given me a new symptom - vertigo with a side of nausea and it had woken me up for the past few nights with the feeling like I might throw up. I sat on the couch contemplating whether I should do the race or not - well I paid $50, I have to try. I looked at my favorite quote:

"It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat." --T. Roosevelt, 1910

Reading it always reminds me that trying is better than giving up. "Suck it up" I thought.

Heading up to the race with my dad it poured on us, and not your typical rain, it was torrential with the threat of golf-ball size hail until noon. Shit! I cannot see without my glasses, but if it is raining, I cannot see with them either. I was going to start the race and if it was raining when I got into transition, I could make my mind up if I would stop or not. Sucking it up does not consist of being stupid, the last thing I need to do is not see and fly over my handle bars on a pot hole.

7:30 am the race started, I was still feeling kind of sick so I started the run really slowly. I watched as the crowd flew past me. "Oh well, just keep plugging along." I finished my run in 18:52 and was out of transition in 20:00 flat. At this point the weather was still holding, in fact the temperature was nice and cool and VERY breezy. I felt really good on the bike, I had only one person pass me and I passed at least 40 people. There seemed to be a headwind no matter which direction you turn, but I still was enjoying it. I came in from the bike at 41 min and out of T2 by 42:57. Of course on the run I felt slow again and many of the people who I had passed on the bike, passed me on the run...but hey, I am slow. I came into the finish with a time of 1:23:47 (final run time was 20:50) and good enough to be 4th AG, missed third by 30 seconds.

I have decided that it is funny that I continue to run, I am such a better biker - but it was a good race. I felt fairly good, my nausea went away during the race and for an hour after, so that is good (some weird quirk of the MS). My father and father-in-law placed, it never rained, it was a fun course...what could be better?

As for my performance, I owe it all to the cooler weather and no rain! Yay a positive race report.

Weekly Workout Update

2010-06-08T07:18:00.000-07:00

Monday May 31 - Sunday April 6

Monday May 31 - Tallmadge Memorial Day 5K
Tuesday May 11 - off
Wednesday May 12 -3 mi run
Thursday May 13 - off
Friday May 14 - 7 mi run
Saturday May 15 -off
Sunday May 16-Twinsburg Duathon (2 mi run, 10 mi bike, 2 mi run)

This week went fairly well, although the heat and humidity this week reminded me that I have to be careful. My sister was in town and she joined me in running on Wed (National Running Day) and with me for my long run on Friday (got up early to avoid the heat).

I had a good time at the Twinsburg Duathlon and will write a race report here in a day or two.

Invisible Disabilities

2010-06-05T00:45:00.000-07:00

I came across this at 3:45 am, another evening of lack of sleep and frustration. Although this is not true for me all of the time, it is invaluable as I progress (or anyone you know progresses) with a long term disability.

I Never Know
What to Say or Do!
Learning How to Encourage and Help
Someone Living With a Chronic Condition

Copyright © 2004 The Invisible Disabilities Advocate
www.InvisibleDisabilities.org

Have you ever wanted to encourage someone living with a chronic illness, but it seems like you never know what to say? Moreover, when you finally think of something you just know will make them smile, do they snap back at you with frustration?

Well, you are not alone. Because we truly want to help our friend or family member with a chronic condition, we often try to think of just the right words we can say to make all of the pain vanish from their life. If we can just “fix it” then we will not have to see them suffer anymore. Unfortunately, when we do try to come up with a quick answer, we often end up saying something that seems to irritate or offend our loved one

It is difficult to understand why they got upset, because to us what we had to say should have been helpful. Nonetheless, if we could simply jump into the life of our loved one, then we would see why our well-meaning comments were not so well-received. Often, it is our intention to help them “see the bright side” of their situation, so they can realize it is “not that bad.” The problem is that we have then failed to acknowledge their battle is very real and we have gone on to minimize its impact.

Sometimes we even try to point out another person who is “worse off” or try to relate by saying, “Ya, I am tired too.” Often, we disregard their limitations by attempting to talk them into doing what they know they cannot or should not do. Because we forget how anguishing it is to be ill and laid up, sometimes we even try to tell them “how lucky” they are to not have to work or clean their house.

What’s more, we cannot resist acting as if solving the problem is so simple when we exclaim, “why can’t you just take this or do that?” Likewise, we want so badly for them to be feeling better, that we refuse to hear the truth and do not allow them to be open and honest with us about what they are going through.

Besides not knowing what to say, we often do not know what to do. We often wish we could do something to help, but do not even know where to start. Our own lives can be so overwhelming and busy that we could never fathom having the time to run errands, do chores and help clean someone else’s home too!

Nevertheless, what we fail to realize is that what might seem like an insignificant effort to us, may save our loved one an entire day or even week’s worth of energy. For example, we can pick up a few things at the store while we are already there and take out the trash when we drop them off. We can drop them by some fresh flowers, deliver a meal, bring over a video to share or pick up their dry cleaning. None of these takes much of our time, but it can make a world of difference to them!

In all, we can never fully comprehend what it is like to have a chronic condition, with all of the loss and pain it poses. Yet, we know we would not want to feel this way ourselves, so surely we can see what courage our loved one displays! We can even try to remember what it is like to have to put our lives on hold for even just a few days and tell our loved ones how amazed we are at their strength and perseverance!

People living with chronic illness/pain would never choose to willingly give up activities they used to enjoy! In fact, they would do just about anything to get their lives back! Therefore, we can rest assured, knowing they will keep fighting, researching and pursuing ways to regain their lives or at least prevent further progression of the disease.

Yes, acknowledging what is happening to a loved one means having to deal with all of its pain, mourning and changes, but do not sell yourself short! After all, if they are forced to live with it, we can certainly choose to live next to it!

Another Run Report - Memorial Day 5K

2010-06-03T06:21:00.000-07:00

I was never a fast runner but I had my consistency. I am a 27 - 28 min 5Ker typically. Last year at this time I was in great shape, having just run the Fools 25K in spring, I had a series of great races. Last year at the Tallmadge Memorial Day Race I was at 28:10 for my final.

This year was a bit different. I did not have the base I had last year at this time and the race was about 20 degrees hotter (or at least it felt that way). The race started for women at 7:45 am, which usually would get you out before the heat. Unfortunately, this May has felt like summer and it was really humid and stagnant.

The race began and I felt fairly good, I was holding a good pace and the course slopes downhill. I passed the first mile marker at 8:45...oops I am going out a little hard. My pace felt strong as we entered a slight uphill and I passed the second mile with a time of 18:06, a little slower mile but still holding well. If I keep this pace up then I will be around 28 minutes. Unfortunately, somewhere right after the second mile my body temperature rose quickly. The sun felt like it was roasting my skin and I knew I would have to walk. Damn MS - I hate it sometimes. I came in with a time of 30:50 - an average of 9:48/mi. Err :(

I guess I should not complain, at least I am getting to run now. But it is frustrating that this disease will start taking it's toll on me - possibly coming to a point where I cannot run anymore. I have been thinking a lot about this lately, what do I do if I cannot be physically active anymore? I guess running, hiking, riding, paddling were all a part of me - how I define myself in some way. Most of my friends come from the activities I participate in - my husband and I would spend time together with these things (part of the reason we fell in love). Life changed the plans and I have some days where that is just difficult to swallow. It is hard to hear people talk about their training plans and PR goals,when my goal is to just keep running - for as long as I can.

Sorry, sometimes my thoughts stray. I cannot focus on what I cannot control, I HAVE to live in the now. I do not mean this for people to walk on eggshells around me, please talk about the positives in your training plans, races you have done, etc. I will still be a fan, even if I cannot participate, but do realize that sometimes it is hard.

My sister and I - Sweaty after the Memorial Day 5K

6 years

2010-05-30T09:17:00.000-07:00

Paul and I have officially been married for 6 years the date was May 29, 2004 :)

You know, I do love him more everyday. I think back, he and I have been through some things and still ended up on top. He is my rock, my heart and the love of my life!

Weekly Workout Update

2010-05-24T06:16:00.000-07:00

Monday May 17 - Sunday May 23

Monday May 17 - 5 mi run
Tuesday May 18 - off
Wednesday May 19 -1 hr indoor rock climbing
Thursday May 20 - 3 mi run
Friday May 21 - 1 hr indoor rock climbing
Saturday May 22 - 6 mi run
Sunday May 23 -10 mi road bike, 2 mi run (training clinic for Twinsburg Duathlon

What can I say, my body is coming back (should I be scared to say that?). But really, my body has decided to like me, at least for this past week.

First, my running has been on track. I did 3 runs this week and two were a 'longer distance'. I am very thankful for my HR monitor. I noticed a huge difference from the cooler run on Monday to the humid warm run on Saturday morning. My HR shot up and I was forced to a 1 minute/mi slower pace to maintain the same HR from my Monday run (in keeping with the HR training that I am doing). Why?

Heat or high humidity can make many people with MS experience a temporary worsening of their symptoms. Doctors believe that this occurs because heat causes nerves (whose myelin covering has been destroyed from MS) to conduct electrical signals even less efficiently. - WebMD

On Wed and Fri I dragged my butt into the rock gym. I was reminded that I have not climbed much in two years - my body was definitely struggling more than I might have liked - but it felt really good to be out there though and I am going to try to keep it up for the entire summer. My goal is to climb a mile (99 times up our 53.5 ft wall) in that time.

I also got out for the Twinsburg Duathlon training on Sunday morning in the dense fog. It was a nice easy rolling course (10 mi) with a short 2 mi run after. I felt good on the bike, but was definitely feeling some fatigue on the run - maybe because I worked out more than I have in a long time.

Weekly Workout Update

2010-05-18T07:09:00.000-07:00

Monday May 10 - Sunday May 16

Monday May 10 - off
Tuesday May 11 - off
Wednesday May 12 -off
Thursday May 13 - 5 mi run
Friday May 14 - off
Saturday May 15 -8 mi Mountain Bike
Sunday May 16-1 hour Yoga for Athletes

I slacked a little this week, but the weather was rainy and cold and I was in the middle of a very physical 'maintenance week' at work - so this is what happens. At least I did some things. :)

Weekly Workout Update

2010-05-12T05:29:00.000-07:00

Monday May 3 - Sunday May 9

Monday May 3 - off
Tuesday May 4 - 5 mi run
Wednesday May 5 -8 mi mountain bike
Thursday May 6 - off
Friday May 7 - off
Saturday May 8 -Emerald Crossing 4 mi trail run
Sunday May 9-1 hour Yoga for Athletes

Good week! Yep :)

Race (err Run) Report - Emerald Crossing Trail Run

2010-05-09T11:55:00.000-07:00

I finished my first race since last Oct, the Emerald Crossing 4 mi Trail run on Saturday May 8. I have done this race since it started in 2008 and it has sentimental value to me. All week I was nervous about racing; how would I feel, how will the weather be, will this cause another attack, etc. I was smart and signed up quite a while ago so that I couldn't wimp out.

Saturday morning was brisk and windy; thunderstorms were a possibility. I got dressed in anticipation, hoping that the weather would hold and that my body would hold and that I would feel good. Running has become a family affair and my mother-in-law and dad both ran it as well. Anyway, the race is a trail/road race near Cleveland airport and is a 3 lap/ 4mi distance. As soon as we got the race director Mickey Ryzmek was letting everyone know that it was muddy, but at least the rain was holding. I saw a lot of familiar faces from work, CTC and folks that I have met at races over the years.

At the start we were all ready to get going there were over 50 mph winds and it felt cold. I knew I would only need a small layer if at all during the run but standing still was brutal.

The start of the run

I felt fairly good the first lap, running in 12:20 - unfortunately my heart rate was pushing higher than I would have liked (180 or 90% of MHR) and I had to remind myself to take it easy. I finished the second and third laps at a much more reasonable rate of 15 min each at (160 or 70% of MHR). I need to run these first few races and see how I felt before I try and 'push it'. Anyway, the race was fun, the mud was thick enough in places to take a shoe off but that makes for an enjoyable race. I finished in 42:44, not bad, not great, but I did it.

We had to take our shoes off to get into the awards...the mud :)

To top things off they had free chair massages and I was indulged to a nice backrub!

Most of all I was glad to finish my first race since my attack. I am slower, more wobbly, my eyesight goes when my heart rate gets high - but at least my first hurdle is done on my journey to the marathon this year.

I feel tired today, but who knows if that is the MS crap or just the fact that my aerobic capacity is not where it was last year...probably some combination. I am listening to my body and taking it easy today, nothing like some yoga and a nap.

Good things

2010-05-05T07:06:00.000-07:00

Paul did get the promotion, which means the Police Academy in Fall for him (he is sort of a ranger that runs a park) and my father's leukemia has not progressed too much (although the doc wants him to start chemo treatments on his enlarged spleen) and my energy levels are at a good place (I worked 78 hours last week without too much exhaustion).

I just wanted to say that I am feeling happy lately and that is nice.

Marathon, here I come.

2010-05-03T14:41:00.000-07:00

I have been going back and forth for weeks about this Marathon...looks like I am a go for AK Marathon in Sept. Thanks to a study I just found! I am good as long as I do not get an attack.

Public release date: 18-Feb-2010

Exercise helps protect brain of multiple sclerosis patients

COLUMBUS, Ohio – Highly fit multiple sclerosis patients perform significantly better on tests of cognitive function than similar less-fit patients, a new study shows.

In addition, MRI scans of the patients showed that the fitter MS patients showed less damage in parts of the brain that show deterioration as a result of MS, as well as a greater volume of vital gray matter.

"We found that aerobic fitness has a protective effect on parts of the brain that are most affected by multiple sclerosis," said Ruchika Shaurya Prakash, lead author of the study and assistant professor of psychology at Ohio State University.

"As a result, these fitter patients actually show better performance on tasks that measure processing speed."

The study, done with colleagues Robert Motl and Arthur Kramer of the University of Illinois and Erin Snook of the University of Massachusetts, Amherst, appears online in the journal Brain Research and will be published in a future print edition.

The study involved 21 women diagnosed with relapsing-remitting MS. They were compared with 15 age- and education-matched healthy female controls. The study assessed fitness, cognitive function, and structural changes in all participants.

In order to measure fitness levels, the participants underwent a VO2 max test, in which they rode a stationary bicycle until they felt exhausted. During the test, they breathed into a mask which measured their oxygen consumption.

All the women also took a variety of tests designed to evaluate cognitive functions, such as processing speed and selective attention. In one test, for example, participants had to write down in one minute as many words as they could think of that began with the letter "F." MS patients generally perform poorly on these tests compared to healthy people.

The third analysis involved MRIs of the participants, revealing any damage to their brains.

As expected, the MS patients did much worse than the healthy controls on the tests of brain functioning, and showed more deterioration in their brains as revealed through the MRIs.

But what was interesting, Prakash said, was the significant differences between the more aerobically fit MS patients and those who were less fit.

Take, for instance, lesions, which are the characteristic feature of MS. Lesions are areas of inflammation in the central nervous system in which neurons have been stripped of myelin, an insulating protein.

"Physically fit MS patients had fewer lesions compared to those who weren't as fit and the lesions they did have tended to be smaller," Prakash said. "This is significant and can help explain why the higher-fit patients did better on tests of brain functioning."

Aerobic fitness was also associated with less-damaged brain tissue in MS patients, both the gray matter and white matter.

Gray matter is the cell bodies in the brain tissue, while white matter is the fibers that connect the various gray matter areas.

The study found that fitness in MS patients was associated with larger volume of gray matter, accounting for about 20 percent of the volume in gray matter. That's important, Prakash said, because gray matter is linked to brain processing skills.

"Even in gray matter that appeared relatively healthy, we found a deterioration in the volume in MS patients," she said. "But for some of the highest fit MS patients, we found that their gray matter volume was nearly equivalent to that of healthy controls."

Another MRI analysis involved the integrity of the white matter in the brain. In MS patients, the white matter deteriorates as the myelin is stripped from neurons. Again, higher-fit MS patients showed less deterioration of white matter compared to those who were less fit.

Overall, the three MRI tests in this study showed that parts of the brain involved in processing speed are all negatively affected by MS – but less so in patients who are aerobically fit.

Prakash noted that other researchers have found that exercise promotes the production of nerve growth factors, proteins which are important for the growth and maintenance of neurons in the brain.

"Our hypothesis is that aerobic exercise enhances these nerve growth factors in MS patients, which increases the volume of the gray matter and increases the integrity of the white matter," she said.

"As a result there is an improvement in cognitive function."

Prakash and her colleagues plan to extend this research by studying whether exercise interventions with MS patients can actually improve their cognition and have positive physical effects on the brain.

"For a long time, MS patients were told not to exercise because there was a fear it could exacerbate their symptoms," she said.

"But we're finding that if MS patients exercise in a controlled setting, it can actually help them with their cognitive function."

__________________

2010-05-03T14:31:00.000-07:00

Monday April 26 - Sunday May 2

Monday Apr 19 - off
Tuesday Apr 20 - off
Wednesday Apr 21 -off
Thursday Apr 22 - 12 hours of set-up for SpringFest
Friday Apr 9 -Hauled 100 tables 200 chairs and numerous other things for event
Saturday Apr 10 -off
Sunday Apr 11- off

One thing, 78.5. Yep that is the number of hours I worked this week. Makes it difficult to do anything.

Dreams

2010-04-28T06:27:00.000-07:00

I have been having the oddest dreams lately...regarding MS, my diet changes and healing. Last night was a particularly odd one - I won't get into the details because honestly you will think I am crazy, but it was very interesting.

This morning I woke up with a burning feeling in my brain - I wonder to myself if I can feel my nerves being attacked by my body. I want to brush that thought away, but the burning continues. I want to forget that I have this thing but little tingles, intermittent numbness & burning make me wonder.

I am left feeling off this morning - if that is the most annoying thing about MS is the uncertainty. I want/need to live in the moment, because at any moment things could be drastically different than they are right now. Right now is a 100% different than last year at this time (regarding my emotional and physical self). So you can see the dilemma - how do you get a secure stable feeling if everything is not stable? Yep, having an I HATE MS day.

On another note, my wonderful sis decided to run the Akron Marathon for MS. If you would like to donate to her fund-raising you can at her page .

Weekly Workout Update

2010-04-27T08:17:00.000-07:00

Monday April 19 - Sunday April 25

Monday Apr 19 - off
Tuesday Apr 20 - 3 mi trail run
Wednesday Apr 21 -off
Thursday Apr 22 - 3 mi run
Friday Apr 9 -off
Saturday Apr 10 -off
Sunday Apr 11- 5 mi run

Can you tell we are getting to crunch time at work? It is the end of the semester as I push out 60-70 hour weeks, which means I am exhausted and the workouts are when I can fit them. Just one more crazy week of this and I will be free to exercise more!

I want to ride my bicycle, I want to ride my bike!

2010-04-23T06:57:00.000-07:00

Yep, my hubby surprised me last week with my very own Mt. Bike. This is my second season riding and last year I borrowed a UA Trek 4900 for the season. Although it was a very nice bike it was too large (16"). You see I was blessed with short legs and a long torso (for my short legs) - this meant that a 16" bike had me hopping over the top tube to get my leg over. Anyway, Paul had left a 2009 16" hardtail Raleigh Mojave 8.0 in the living room last Tuesday. Unfortunately, it was as large as the last bike and did not fit. So we took it back to the bike shop to see if they had a 14" or something comparable.

The bike shop let me exchange the bike for a 2010 Raleigh Talus 8.0 - a great entry level hardtail.

Meet the "Pimp Mobile" - yes those are gold rims-with gold accent trim. I have to laugh at the flashy color of the bike, but the bike fit is PERFECT. The most hilarious part about this is that I am not very good, I fall - A LOT. So the bike is pimp, but not so much with me.

"Gold Rims & the leather seats, windows so dark you need a flashlight to see me..."

Weekly Workout Update

2010-04-19T12:26:00.000-07:00

Monday April 12 - Sunday April 18

Monday Apr 12 - off
Tuesday Apr 13 - 3 mi trail run
Wednesday Apr 7 -off
Thursday Apr 8 - off
Friday Apr 9 -3 mi trail run
Saturday Apr 10 -20 mi bike ride, 3 mi trail run
Sunday Apr 11- 7 mi Mt. bike ride

A much better week of training thanks to the Cleveland Triathlon Club. I have been part of the club now for 2 full years and although I have done some things with them, it has not been consistent enough to really get into it all. On a whim, I decided to sign up for their weekend Spring Training Camp down at Mohican State Park - which was this past weekend.

I road biked on some really difficult terrain (I think I am getting pretty good at the clipless), trail ran, and even got on the mountain bike. I was happy that my body was cooperative and allowed me to do the most training since my attack in Oct. I wish that everyday was without real job work - training twice a day - eating and hanging with friends - taking naps...wouldn't that be nice.

Speeches and Lessons

2010-04-15T07:49:00.000-07:00

I was lucky enough last night to give my second ever presentation on the Appalachian Trail, through an interactive slide-show for students at UA. It had been awhile since I had to really looked through my pictures and journal from my trip and it was perfect timing.

As I worked on my PowerPoint presentation, I was thinking on how I wanted to wrap up this hour long journey down memory lane with the students. Something very philosophical, along the lines of what I learned out there - what I took away from it all.

"uh oh" I thought.

What I left the trail with:

That I am a strong person – who can do much more than I ever thought
That I like life simplified – not much to worry about, love and be kind to people and to always be appreciative of running water, a warm bed, comfy clothes, showers, home, and life in general
That taking care of your body is very important
That life is worth LIVING!!!

Oops, what happened in 7 years that I forgot some of this. Hello wake up call - another gentle life reminder to keep above all of this past year.

Ironically at this very moment my husband is in an interview - a great promotion in his job is almost a reality. At the same time today, my father is at an oncologist appointment to see if his Leukemia is progressing. This is my life, for every good thing comes a struggle. I think that may just be life, but I do not want to accept that things are constantly a struggle - that cannot be true.

I thank life for reminding me what the focus should be - to be kind, appreciate the little things, and surround yourself with loving and supportive friends & family.

Weekly Workout Update

2010-04-12T13:17:00.000-07:00

Monday April 5 - Sunday April 11

Monday April 5 - off
Tuesday Apr 6 - 3 mi run
Wednesday Apr 7 -off
Thursday Apr 8 - 3 mi run
Friday Apr 9 -off
Saturday Apr 10 -4 mi hike
Sunday Apr 11- off

Still lacking in my workouts, but it was a really busy week. I was looking back at why I did not workout on Monday, Wed & Friday...and it was because I had something scheduled each of those nights. Oh well, life will go on...but I would like to workout more than not.

Weekly Workout Update

2010-04-05T11:45:00.000-07:00

Monday March 29 - Sunday April 4

Monday Mar 29 - off
Tuesday Mar 30 - off
Wednesday Mar 31 -3 mi run
Thursday Apr 1 - 3 mi run
Friday Apr 2 -off
Saturday Apr 3 - 3 mi run & 10 mi bike ride (with new pedals & shoes)
Sunday Apr 4 - off

I am feeling more energized - I seem to have shaken off the sickness and I think my energy is almost back to full. I will be trying to 'push' it a little more this week with more workouts to keep me on track for my trainings. Also, last week I was able to sign up for the Emerald Crossing 4 mi trail run and the Twinsburg Duathlon. Those will be some nice early season races.

Akron ADDY

2010-04-05T11:30:00.001-07:00

My student won an Akron ADDY for the video that we made for new students - it is one of my favorite things that we have done. It is a fun video trying to teach students a little about wellness in a way that they might find amusing.

Here it is! :)

Weather oh Weather

2010-04-01T07:16:00.000-07:00

What a wonderful week of weather we have had and are looking forward too. I did finally get a chance to run after a week and a half of no workouts. The stars aligned (or more like I was able to skate out of work at 5 - which never happens) and I headed out for a slow 3 miler (60 - 70 % MHR).

Ohio becomes alive when the weather breaks, or as my student who is from Chile says, "You appreciate the weather so much more here because it stinks for 5 - 6 months of the year."

I really enjoy where I live (not the house but the location), it is in the valley and when I look out my living room window all I see is a large cascading hill - which I refer to as my mountain. I also live a short walk/jog from Sand Run Jogging Trail and this is where I headed out yesterday. Although I brought my camera with me (I am determined to take more pictures), I got lost in my head during the run and forgot to take a single snapshot. So I will leave you with a couple of professional shots of Sand Run and what I get to see in the summer (the leaves are not out completely).

View of the Ford from the trail

Jogging Trail Bench - look at the green!

I hear a lot of people comment on how much they hate Ohio (poor economy and rough winters can make a person jaded) but really, how could you hate Ohio? It keeps me painfully aware of reality during the winter and by the time spring and summer are here; I take not one sunny day, leaf and smile for granted. Plus we have an AMAZING park system and outdoor activity community! :)

Weekly Workout Update

2010-03-29T06:41:00.000-07:00

Monday March 22 - Sunday March 28

Mon - Sun: A whole lot of nothing!

I was pretty sick all week (third cold since Dec - not good) and it took all of me to get through work, let alone do any workouts. Plus I am pretty sure this is what my doc meant by take care of yourself and not to overdue it - I made sure to give myself plenty of vitamins and rest. This next week's weather is supposed to be amazing and I hope to be out and about.

Also, as a cap to the week, I threw out my neck - I guess that is what you call it, I woke up Sat. morning and could not move my neck to the right... so I am hoping to get that worked out as well. At this point I was laughing to myself, 'what else can I get?' I mean really, have I not been dealt enough, could the fates spare me the kinked neck and a week long cold?

The best thing this week was that we purchased a new grill (very exciting - cause nothing screams good weather like grilling). Our old one was awful and after some research we decided to go with the Weber Genesis e-310. It was amazing, last night we cooked some chicken and it cooked evenly, who new that grills could do that. I know, my life is SO exciting. :)

And for a little bit of hope

2010-03-24T10:38:00.000-07:00

I have been reading a lot about this recently - I think if you have MS there is no way you have not heard of this, but I was proud of the Akron Beacon Journal in printing this article. Anyway, as you will see it a totally different approach to MS and a little bright spot of hope for MSers.

Read for yourself :)

Published on Tuesday, Mar 23, 2010- Akron Beacon Journal
WASHINGTON: Under intense pressure from patients, some U.S. doctors are cautiously testing a provocative theory that abnormal blood drainage from the brain may play a role in multiple sclerosis — and that a surgical vein fix might help.
If it pans out, the approach suggested by a researcher in Italy could mark a vast change for MS, a disabling neurological disease long blamed on an immune system gone awry. But many patients frustrated by today's limited therapies say they don't have time to await the carefully controlled studies needed to prove if it really works and are searching out vein-opening treatment now — undeterred by one report of a dangerous complication.
''This made sense and I was hell-bent on doing it,'' said Nicole Kane Gurland of Bethesda, Md., the first to receive the experimental treatment at Washington's Georgetown University Hospital, which is set to closely track how a small number of patients fare before and after using a balloon to widen blocked veins.
In Buffalo, N.Y., more than 1,000 people applied for 30 slots in a soon-to-start study of that same angioplasty procedure.
The demand worries Georgetown neurologist Dr. Carlo Tornatore, who teamed with vascular surgeon Dr. Richard Neville in hopes of getting some evidence to guide his own patients' care.
''A lot of people are starting to go to fly-by-night places,'' said Tornatore. Doing this research takes time, he said. ''It's a marathon, not a 100-yard sprint. We have to be very careful.''
Multiple sclerosis occurs when the protective insulation, called myelin, that coats nerve fibers gradually is destroyed and scar tissue builds up, short-circuiting messages from the brain and spinal cord to the rest of the body — impairing walking and causing fatigue and vision, speech, memory and other problems. It affects about 2.5 million people worldwide, including 350,000 Americans.
A condition with an unwieldy name has become the hottest topic of debate in MS: Chronic cerebrospinal venous insufficiency, or CCSVI. An Italian vascular specialist, Dr. Paolo Zamboni, was hunting ways to help his wife's MS when he discovered that veins carrying oxygen-depleted blood down the neck or spinal cord were narrowed, blocked or twisted in a group of patients. Zamboni reported that made blood back up in a way that might be linked to MS' damage.
Then came the step that spread excitedly through MS patient Internet forums: In a pilot study, Zamboni's team used balloon angioplasty — similar to a longtime method for unclogging heart arteries — to widen affected veins in 65 patients. He reported varying degrees of improvement.
But nearly half had their veins relapse, and Zamboni urged a larger, more scientifically controlled study be done.

Weekly Workout Update

2010-03-22T05:49:00.000-07:00

Monday March 15 - Sunday March 21

Monday Mar 8 - off
Tuesday Mar 9 - 3 mi run
Wednesday Mar 10 -1 mi walk with dog, 2 mi run, 1 hour yoga
Thursday Mar 11 - 3 mi run
Friday Mar 12 -off
Saturday Mar13 - 1 hour bike ride (with new pedals & shoes)
Sunday Mar 14 - 3 mi run

OK, the weather this past week was PERFECT!! I had a good week of working out, partially because I took 2.5 days off from work. Unfortunately, after my Thursday run my entire left arm went numb for a few hours and had me a bit freaked out. Luckily it came back in full force (which means my fears of a new attack are gone) but I was sure to take Friday as a non-workout day.

For those of you that are worried, I am doing fairly well, the blog below was in reference to the numb arm. I am not sure that I will ever get used to the thought of having MS attacks, and every time something 'pops' up I have the fear that this will be the next one. I plan to be as honest as possible on this blog, partially for me but also to have people understand what it is like to live/deal with a chronic disease. Sometimes that means a happy - joy filled - wondrous day and sometimes that means I am gloomy.

Reeling

2010-03-17T20:43:00.000-07:00

It has been 4 months since my diagnosis. Although I have found myself getting stronger with all of this, I still know that I am still reeling from it all; those moments when I really FEEL everything that has taken place in the past few months and those times that I am humbled and brought down to reality. I know to most of you that this is just words, you will not see me at those moments when I break down - when I allow the demons in my head to win. I just want to say that this has been a tough few months and that I struggle A LOT more than I might want to admit. It is also tiring to be strong for other people, I want to tell people that I am sad, that this is the toughest thing that I have ever had to deal with, but I keep my head up and I pretend.

But I am tired. All the time lately. And I want to be strong. But I am not right now. I want something to work out for me. But it isn't. How do you keep yourself happy when you just have nothing left to give?

So I have turned to music. I have always felt that music speaks to the soul. I do not have a favorite band or song, because music speaks to my mood for that moment. Usually I find a song that just seems to reach down deep inside me and say what I am feeling.

Recently I have been on a Citizen Cope kick and below are his lyrics for "Sideways". Although I think the song was written for lost love, I found the lyrics to be very close to what I have felt dealing with all of these things. The words do not give justice to the emotion that he sings with, but I felt that I wanted to share.

'You know it ain't easy
For these thoughts here to leave me
There's no words to describe it
In French or in English
Cause, diamonds they fade
And flowers they bloom
And I'm telling you

These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
They've been knockin' me out,

These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
I keep thinking in a moment that, time will take them away

But these feelings won't go away...

These feelings won't go away...

It ain't easy
For these thoughts here to leave me
there's no words to describe it
In French or in English
These diamonds they fade
And flowers they bloom
I'm telling you

These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
They've been knockin' me out, babe

These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
I keep thinking any moment that
Time will take them away

These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
I keep thinking any moment that
Time will take them away

These feelings won't go away...

These feelings won't go away...

The diamonds they fade
The flowers they bloom
I'm telling you
I'm telling you

The diamonds they fade
The flowers they bloom
I'm telling you
I'm telling you

These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
They've been knockin' me out babe

These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
I keep thinking any moment that
Time will take them away...'

Weekly Workout Update

2010-03-15T06:42:00.000-07:00

Monday March 8 - Sunday March 14

Monday Mar 8 - off
Tuesday Mar 9 - 4.5 mi run
Wednesday Mar 10 -1 hour trainer ride
Thursday Mar 11 - off
Friday Mar 12 -off
Saturday Mar13 - 1 hour yoga
Sunday Mar 14 - 3 mi run

Wow, what a difference a little better weather has on me. I slightly overdid it on Tuesday (the weather was PERFECT) with a 4.5 mi run and half of that being up hill. I was a little sore & tired for Wed & Thurs, but I could not help it with this weather. Over all this has been a good week, I felt fairly energetic and I feel like I am getting my legs under me. I also listened to my body when I over did it on Tues, using a recovery spin out on Wed and taking Thurs & Fri off for muscle recovery.

Spring Training Plans:
This next week starts my pre-pre training for the AK -Marathon. It will begin a really slow build of mileage, with a little speed work in the mix - something to focus on when the cold spring rains come down. I am also sticking with my heart rate training which means my slow long runs on the weekend are actually REALLY slow, I think someone could pass me walking. I am hoping that my aerobic capacity will increase and in turn mean that 60 - 70 % of my MHR will eventually mean a more normal running rate.

I finally ordered clip-less pedals and shoes for my road bike - I know, I know long time coming. I hope that this means a little more time on the bike this year, I neglected my roadie last year to learn to mountain bike, but this year with decreased vision I think I will make it a little more even between the two. I am a little nervous about my depth perception and mountain biking, but I will try it out a few times.

Swimming has come to a stand still right now, I have not been motivated to get into the chlorine - I guess I am ready for some open water. I am hoping to get into the pool at least once a week, but there is no definite goal that I am reaching for. Still trying to decide if I am even going to do a tri this summer...we will see.

I will be attending the CTC Spring training camp (April 16- 18 at Mohican) and hopefully that will help to tune in some skills.

Race Plans:
Sat May 8 - Emerald Crossings 4 mi Trail Run
Mon May 31 - Tallmadge Memorial Day 5 K
Sun June 6 - Twinsberg Duathlon
Sat June 19 - Jim Klett 10 K
Sat July 3 - Stow Firecracker 4 mi
Sat July 10 - Mohican 11 mi Xterra Trail Race
Sun Aug 29 - Buckeye Half Marathon
Sat Sept 18 - Air Force 10K
Sat Sept 25 - Akron Marathon

I am sure a few more may get added here and there, but this is a fairly good schedule for me to start with.

With the sun out and a nice run last week, I finally felt like it is running season!

Yummy Food

2010-03-11T11:55:00.000-08:00

My mother and father are heading out for a week in Ireland (so jealous) and I wanted to say goodbye. Unfortunately, I was working too much this week to actually see them. I was talking to my mother and she said that restaurant Vegiterranean, which is already a vegan restaurant, has gluten free selections as well. So I decided since it is close to my job to meet her there for lunch. Now this is a big deal because so far I have only eaten out once for the month and half since I have been dairy & gluten free and the meal was so-so at best.

At first I was put off by all the meat knock off items and soy cheeses, I mean how could that be good, but I was totally surprised at how good it was. I ordered the Ghoulardi Gluten-Free pizza; which included olives, banana peppers, red onions, wild mushrooms, spicy marinara and soy mozzarella. Holy cow, it really hit that pizza craving and the soy cheese actually tasted like normal cheese (of course they do not pile it on too crazy). I also felt somewhat normal for a second, just going out to eat like it is a regular occurrence.

Anyway, I wanted to plug such a good restaurant; local, dairy free (with gluten free choices) and yummy!

Awareness

2010-03-08T08:30:00.000-08:00

MS Awareness Week is this week!

You can find more info here. Wear your orange, sign up for a local MS race or walk, or give some love to someone you know who has MS.

AND I will keep hoping and fighting for my health!

Weekly Workout Update

2010-03-08T08:15:00.000-08:00

Monday March 1 - Sunday March 7

Monday Mar 1 - off
Tuesday Mar 2 - 45 min Circuit & 2 mi run
Wednesday Mar 3 -off
Thursday Mar 4 - off
Friday Mar 5 -2 mi run
Saturday Mar 6 - 1 hour cycling
Sunday Mar 7 - off

Had a lot going on this week, which meant some missed workouts (which stinks), but the sun is shining so I am hoping to get more done this week.

Hm

2010-03-04T06:18:00.000-08:00

I think it is funny when people have a health scare they say things like " well at least it was not MS or cancer". I guess they don't realize that at times there are people around who do have MS (or cancer).

Seven Years

2010-02-27T04:51:00.000-08:00

It was 7 years ago to this day that I headed down to Georgia for what would be the single most life changing moment of my life, my 2100 mi Thru-Hike of the Appalachian Trail.

I chose to go into the wild to help me process my goals in life. While out there I missed the start of a war, the capturing of Sadam Hussein, and a huge black out (it was always a black out in the woods).

But I did get to live life simplified, push my body and mind to limits that I did not know possible, bond with my sister and 4 other folks that I hiked with, enjoy sunny beautiful views and torrential rain (2003 was wet!), get engaged (I heart Paul), and discover myself.

It is hard to believe that 7 years have passed, although looking at what has happened in my life since then I realize that it has been a long 7 years.

In these fast passing years I got married and have been married for almost 6 years, graduated college and finally got a full time job, dealt with my father's leukemia diagnosis, got my MS diagnosis (still dealing with this), started running and ran 2 marathons, started swimming and doing sprint triathlons, received my Wilderness First Responder certification - ACA Canoe Instructor Certification - ACA Kayak Instructor - and ACA Adapted Paddling endorsement, and had a plethora of people come in and out of my life.

I will never forget my 6 months on the AT - they seem like yesterday. I would give anything to be able to do something like that again right now and I had always said that I would do the Pacific Crest Trail, unfortunately with the new diagnosis that may never happen (that was really hard to write). I would have to lie to say it was always easy out there, but I learned a lot about myself and it set the foundation of strength that I still draw from today, especially with all of this new MS stuff.

I leave you with my favorite quote, one that I look at daily to motivate me and to remind me that trying never hurts, because at least I tried.

“It is not the critic who counts: not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles or where the doer of deeds could have done better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena, whose face is marred by dust and sweat and blood, who strives valiantly, who errs and comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error or shortcoming, but who knows the great enthusiasms, the great devotions, who spends himself for a worthy cause; who, at the best, knows, in the end, the triumph of high achievement, and who, at the worst, if he fails, at least he fails while daring greatly, so that his place shall never be with those cold and timid souls who knew neither victory nor defeat." --T. Roosevelt, 1910

This post is dedicated to '5 Alive' (Cire, Ketchup, Speck, Diesel and Oopo!), I miss all of you and the amazing times we had out there! Seven years, Holy @%*#!

Love, Slickrock GA-ME 03

To marathon. or Not

2010-02-22T07:32:00.000-08:00

I had it in my head that I wanted to do the AK marathon again this year. In my mind I am thinking, 'what is the difference between last year and this year except that I have a name for what was happening to me'.

At the same time there is this fear that I did not have before, the fear that I will get another massive MS attack and that I will hurt myself by training too hard. I remember the day that my headaches started, I had done a small (3 mi) trail run in which I felt way to overheated and slow for my fitness level. Was that a sign I was not picking up on, was my body telling me something, did THAT particular trail run cause my MS attack?

Errr! These are the times that I wish that I could go on pretending that nothing was wrong and wishing that I had never gotten that MS diagnosis. I do not want it to interfere with the things that I love, MS is so unfair at times.

I guess I will type out my marathon training plan, start it, and hope for the best. I have until August to decide if I can do it and see if my body is cooperating, that is my deadline for signing up. Fingers crossed and positive outlook (big girl pants as well), that is all I can really do.

Em & I finishing the AK marathon 9/26/2009 almost 2 months to the day before my diagnosis.

Weekly Workout Update

2010-02-22T07:20:00.000-08:00

Mon Feb 15 - Sun Feb 21

Monday Feb 15 - 1700 y swim
Tuesday Feb 16 - 55 min cycle
Wednesday Feb 17 -off
Thursday Feb 18 - 45 min circuit training
Friday Feb 19 - off
Saturday Feb 20 - 30 min hike
Sunday Feb 21 - 2 mi run & 2 hours of cleaning

Happy Valentine's Day?

2010-02-15T06:49:00.000-08:00

Like typical fashion, P and I decided to not exchange gifts for V Day, I was just glad to spend time with him (since half of the year he works weekends). Although we spent the morning grocery shopping and the afternoon cleaning - romantic, hehe.

We were planning on making a fancier gluten & dairy free meal for the evening, but my Mom offered to make us dinner (along with my dad of course). It is nice that my Mom wanted to tackle making a nice dinner for all of us (within the regulations of my diet). She only asked that I make an appetizer (the one thing that I have not perfected-most of my old appetizer's were cheese and bread filled).

After finding gluten-free Worcestershire sauce & pretzels and noticing that corn & rice chex are gluten free, I decided to make a chex mix. It turned out delicious, even after substituting dairy-free Smart Balance for butter. I also made a very fresh tasting Guacamole. Yum!

The most touching part came with dinner. Some of you may know (some not) but my mother is an excellent cook. She probably could have been a chef if she had really wanted to. Anyway, she made a delicious cracked pepper & sea salt filet mignon, with skillet roasted potatoes and oven roasted asparagus (delicious). For desert she made everyone else chocolate covered strawberries and a chocolate mouse but for me she made home-made dairy free tapioca. Now this is not your store bought tapioca. My mom used Almond milk instead of milk, sweetened with Agave nectar (I am not supposed to have much sugar), and with a bit of orange zest. On top I got agave marinated fruit. YUMMY!

Anyway, it was a very nice evening spent laughing with my parents and I was touched that she worked hard to make a meal that I could eat (even special desert). A perfect valentine's day spent with those that I love.

Mom and I at Christmas!

Weekly Workout Update

2010-02-15T06:29:00.000-08:00

February 8 - February 14, 2010

Monday Feb 8 - 45 min Yoga
Tuesday Feb 9 - off (sick)
Wednesday Feb 10 -off (still sick)
Thursday Feb 11 - off (come on am I better yet)
Friday Feb 12 - off (feeling better, but decided not to push it)
Saturday Feb 13 - 1 hour cycling
Sunday Feb 7 - 2 hours house cleaning

Crappy week, both the Hubs and I were sick.

Food Glorious Food

2010-02-11T09:35:00.000-08:00

I have not been having anything really happen on the MS front, just the typical tiredness, intermittent numbing and lost vision. ; D

BUT, I am fully into my new food regimen (dairy and gluten free) and wanted to talk a little about what I have learned and my experience so far, at least all two weeks worth.

Make sure that you have support for the diet changes. I am so thankful that P loves me enough to make the changes in his life as well. He has been extra careful not to contaminate anything I eat by washing his hands and making sure not to stick his gluten covered knife in the PB or margarine. He has also managed to eat every dinner as gluten & dairy-free, making sure that I get the leftovers (over him) for lunch, since I cannot "run out" to get a gluten/dairy free meal easily. Some family has already complained about my changes, so it is good that at home I feel supported.
Plan your meals ahead. I learned very quickly that if you do not plan, then you go without. Nothing like coming home after a full day of work and whatever else comes your way to find you have no plans for the meal. Paul and I sit down together, plan out the week's meals and then go for a grandiose shopping spree. I also purchased two allergy cookbooks, one gluten free woman who used her slow cooker every day for a year and made a gluten-free slow cooker cookbook from it (which allows me to have dinner ready by the time I come home) and another family friendly recipe book (which has easy to make gluten & dairy free recipes, easy being the key word). This helps with the transition of it all.
Make sure to take your supplements. Well, this is not for everyone, but after all of my blood tests I found out I was anemic, B12 deficient, and D3 deficient. I am also no longer eating yogurt (and I could not stomach the soy yogurts) so I needed to get my "probiotic" acidophilus as well. I am currently taking a Omega-3,6,9 supplement (for the health of my nerves), D3 supplement, Multi-vitamin, and an acidophilus complex.
Don't concentrate on what you are missing. It would be easy to get sad about the things that I cannot eat anymore, but instead I am trying to focus on what I can eat. I am forcing myself to make made from scratch meals every day and guess what, my belly has actually appreciated it. I won't be surprised if I lose some weight with the strict diet that I am following.
Get a food that you can treat yourself with. Right now I am obsessed with the Gluten, Dairy, Nut, Soy free Enjoy Life Snickerdoodle cookies that P found me at Giant Eagle. They are delicious and have great ingredients. Even P stole a few and could not believe how good they were.
Lastly, know that you are taking care of yourself. I was never a strict diet watcher, not super concerned what was in food (I liked healthy foods but I loved buffallo wing night as well). I was surprised to find that gluten is put in things like salt and dressings to thicken them up cheaply. I was also surprised that gluten is used in a lot of preservatives (almost all of your packaged foods), so if anything, I am even more happy to have made this decision. Even pre-packaged gluten-free foods are for the most part fairly healthy, simple ingredients, so I know it has to be better for me.

BTW, I am eating leftovers for lunch right now and it is delicious. If you need a good hearty slow cooker soup, try out this Pizza Soup I am eating (from my gluten-free slow cooker cookbook). YUMMY! I added olives and nixed the cheese to make mine perfect for me.

BTW, those are gluten-free rice noodles.

Tinkyada is the only brand to try (otherwise you will have a mushy mess).

Later!

Weekly Workout Update

2010-02-08T06:48:00.000-08:00

February 1 - February 7, 2010

Monday Feb 1 - off (worked from 8 am - 8 pm & too tired to do anything)
Tuesday Feb 2 - 45 min circuit, abs
Wednesday Feb 3 - off (worked late again - hmmm pattern forming)
Thursday Feb 4 - 45 min circuit, abs
Friday Feb 5 - 2 mi run
Saturday Feb 6 - 2 hours of shoveling
Sunday Feb 7 - 4 mi snowshoe

Tapped Out

2010-01-29T23:52:00.000-08:00

Lately I feel as though my energy is like money (energy units if you will). MS has left me busted, spent, and poor on these energy units as I am constantly spending my energy on work, relationships, mental health, and simply being alive and I find that at the end of the day I end up short. I was frustrated the other day because we had friends over for dinner (after a full day of work), which I REALLY enjoy, but it just took so much out of me. By the time they came over and all of the cooking and straightening was done, I found myself short of energy to really enjoy the time we spent together.

I find that annoying and hard to explain, how do you tell people that you are just tired? I feel like a crappy person to hang around because, well I am crappy. Who wants to hang out with the girl that falls asleep on the couch while hanging out or yawns through their really good story. Goodness, just another obstacle to maneuver around. Wish I could just tell my body to work like I want it to.

Weekly Workout Update

2010-01-26T08:44:00.000-08:00

January 18 - 24 2010

Monday January 18 - 3 mi run
Tuesday January 19 - 45 min weights/circuit, 2 mi run
Wednesday January 20 - off
Thursday January 21 - 45 min weights/circuit
Friday January 22 - off
Saturday January 23 - 1 hour Spinning class
Sunday January 24 - 2 hours house cleaning

Was a down week for workouts, work has been busy and I was exhausted on Friday. Oh well, some weeks will just have to be like this.

What, you can't have beer?

2010-01-20T14:26:00.000-08:00

I gave myself until the end of January to get everything together for my gluten-free and dairy-free lifestyle. I decided to hold off on going Legume-free, because it is difficult to give up so much at once, but I am moving forward on the new diet changes. I started this month off by beginning to experiment with recipes, menus and what to eat for snacks for all of this new stuff. Actually it is a lot easier than I thought, as long as you cook with simple fresh ingredients, it is pretty easy to eat well.

If you know me then you know that the two biggest things that I have to give up is beer (I love a good beer) and cheese (brie, sweet brie). There are no good substitutions for either of these and I am going to have a bit of mourning before I am ok with that. A few years ago when I was watching LA Ink, a guy came in to get a memorial tattoo of cheese. He had had a major car accident which left him without part of his intestines and he could no longer digest the lovely, gooey cheese which made him happy. So he decided to get this memorial tattoo, to really express how much he LOVED cheese. At the time I thought it was hilarious, but I can now understand the sadness of giving up something that you really enjoy.

So if you want to be nice to me, please do not state how sucky it is to be giving up beer and cheese, I KNOW, trust me. But not as sucky as losing my battle with MS.

Goodbye dear foods

Weekly Workout Update

2010-01-19T05:55:00.000-08:00

January 11 - 17 2010

Monday January 11 - 45 min Yoga class, 2000 y swim
Tuesday January 12 - 45 min weights/circuit, 3 mi run
Wednesday January 13 - Trainer Ride (50 min Spinnervals)
Thursday January 14 - 45 min weights/circuit
Friday January 15 - off
Saturday January 16 - 1 hour Spinning class
Sunday January 17 - 2 hours house cleaning

Wow looking back that was a pretty good week of workouts. I have not been out running a lot because the ice on the trails gave me a nice little "tweak" in my calf (feels slightly pulled), but I have been making up for it in spinning, weights, and core.

:)

Balance Act

2010-01-14T12:01:00.000-08:00

I have not updated much this week. Work has been rough and I am worried that I am falling into my old habits. When my MS attack happened in October, I was working consistently 50-60 hours a week. Now that may not seem like a lot to some people but keep in mind, I only make $30,000 a year. My neurologist kept emphasizing to keep my stress down and when I work that many hours, I feel like I am always playing catch-up; with sleep, eating, working out and just life in general. How do you keep a job that expects that type of hours and still take care of yourself? I am still trying to work that all out. Am I crazy to be thinking about having a baby too? Goodness. How do people do it all?

I am scared that running myself ragged will cause another attack. I also do not want to give up my workouts (they help as much mentally as physically). What to do, what to do?

Weekly Workout Update

2010-01-11T08:44:00.000-08:00

Back to the grind:

Monday January 4 - 1800 y swim
Tuesday January 5 - 45 weights/circuit, 3.5 mi run
Wednesday January 6 - off
Thursday January 7 - 1 hour weights, 20 min abs
Friday January 8 - off
Saturday January 9 - deep house cleaning 4 hours , 1 hour driveway shoveling
Sunday January 10 - 4 mi run

Although this seems very small, it was the most I had done in a while. I have also decided to include other workouts (house stuff), because I must take into consideration every bit of energy I expend in regard to my overall energy levels.

My Body is Able

2010-01-07T08:15:00.000-08:00

I never thought much of exercise mantras, probably because I have never been very competitive. I love a good running race or triathlon, but I guess I was never fast enough to get SUPER aggressive with it. After a complete switch in focus of training (trying to keep above MS and take care of my body at the same time), I realized a mantra was just what I needed.

The other night was my longest run to date (3.5 mi-I know sad), and at 3 mi I felt completely exhausted and a bit upset that my body was failing me. To myself I repeated,"My body is able," over and over until I finished my run. I was amazed at how that allowed me to dig deep and finish. I finally see what they mean by sports psychology.

Polar Plunge

2010-01-05T06:57:00.000-08:00

Wanted to put up some fun pictures of the Polar Plunge that Paul, Emily, and I did with my Cleveland Tri Club.

It was at noon on January 1st - Lake Erie

Water Temp was 36

Air Temp was 22 with 13 degree wind chill

AND lots of snow.

Walking in - Note Water Temp

Em & I before the plunge

Right before the plunge, they called 90 seconds

Running into water - P is in bottom right (tattoos give him away)

Brrr, running out on the snow covered sand

After Plunge -I got dressed quickly

What a great way to bring in the New Year's!

New Year and New Beginnings

2010-01-04T13:42:00.000-08:00

Well the nine days off were nice. I enjoyed a great holiday with family and the days off allowed me to really get some time for myself.

Christmas day was wonderful. It was truly family time as my sister flew in from Florida on Christmas day. We had not had a chance to be together since my final diagnosis. It was a day of love and eating. I received many wonderful gifts and the two items that I had asked for (which is surprising because Paul and I had decided not to exchange gifts). My parents must have been paying attention and they got me a Suunto Heart Rate Monitor and a slow cooker.

The hope is that the heart rate monitor will keep me in a good zone for training and keep me from getting too crazy during my workouts. My doctor said to be careful with my heart rate getting too high (which I am still feeling out what the "too high zone" is). If my heart rate is too high I will experience something called Uhtoffs Symptom in which my MS symptoms could become exaggerated due to high body temp. Ironically, I am already experiencing this when I run. Once my heart rate goes into Zone 2, the eye in which I lost sight gets worse (similar to where it was when I first lost sight). So it was pretty funny during my four runs this week, I would lose vision and then stumble around because I could not see the difference between the trail and the snowbanks (snow is especially difficult when vision is lost).

The key to the last week off was the amount of working out that I did. Compared to three months ago it was not much, but in a time of nothing I managed 4 runs and 1 hike this week (thanks Em). I got my butt into working out mode again and I have a lot planned this week, hopefully my body will be ready for the Fools 25K in early April, but I am just glad to be doing something almost everyday.

I am off for my first swim in at least 3 months, yay for getting back to the grind.

Happy Holidays

2009-12-24T09:14:00.000-08:00

Since the computer at home is done and I am off of work for the next 9 days, I wanted to wish everyone a great holiday.

Have a very blessed

MERRY CHRISTMAS

and a

HAPPY NEW YEAR!

Fear is a driving force

2009-12-22T12:53:00.000-08:00

I heard really sad news today and it was a blow to the positive swing I have been on (don't worry I will not stay here long).

I had mentioned once before that my best friend's mom had MS. Although she never had huge physical symptoms (gait issues, numbing, etc) she had noticed lately that she was definitely having cognitive issues (having issues speaking, remembering basic things). Well today after an MRI, she received the diagnosis of beginning Alzheimer disease (basically the cause was MS). In a year's time she has doubled the lesions on her brain and although she seems fine physically, she is now officially in a progressive form of the disease. I feel sad that I was not more caring and aware of this "hidden disease". Now, after 14 years of friendship with her daughter, I am able to understand how scary this all is, but is it too late? I cried talking to my BF as she deals with the fact that her mother may at some point forget who she is, who her granddaughter is, who SHE is. What kind of life is that, not one that I want to sign up for.

MS is known as the "invisible" disease as it is not obvious by looking at someone that they have it. Most people do not have clue how MS affects a person (me either, really). Even newly diagnosed, I find myself stumbling to explain how I feel most times and it is easier to not mention when things pop up as to not come across as complaining (people tire of hearing all the things that are wrong with you-they have their own problems). This is a tough place to be in; you don't feel well (tired, vertigo, numbing, pain shooting through the legs, cognitive issues, etc) and you don't want to be that person who is always whining. I also tire of people thinking they know what is best for me - I have been exhausted for months and someone tells me I should get more sleep (cause that will fix EVERYTHING).

NO, I am the one dealing with this, do not tell me how to be!

Anyway, I just want to say that MS is scary and I fear what is to come (daily). It is the force behind all the changes that I am making in my life, as I try to take control of something that is really uncontrollable (and that is scary in itself). I know that life is unfair, I get that, I just don't always have to like it.

I leave you with a video for World MS Day (this year May 26) which made me cry. This is now my life and sometimes that is hard to take.

CSA s and More

2009-12-21T08:13:00.000-08:00

Soon I will be embarking on my "lifestyle change"(trying not to call it a diet). I was concerned that this new venture would be difficult, especially in the times that I am running 40 mi a week. It is hard to balance full time work, exercise and scratch cooking 3x day/7 days of the week. Although I am not confident in it all yet, I am learning more each day.

In fact I applied (these places are run out of shares) for a Community Supported Agriculture Farm (CSA) in which I pay $500 for 20 weeks of veggies, fruits, herbs and flowers. I chose Lavender Lane BioDynamic Farm based on the fact that they choose to grow their stuff Biodynamically.

Here is a quick definition for those of you that do not know what that means (from growbetterveggies.com).

Biodynamic agriculture is a method of organic farming that treats farms as unified and individual organisms, with an emphasis toward balancing the holistic development and interrelationship of the soil, plants, and animals as a closed, self-nourishing system. Regarded by some proponents as the first modern ecological farming system, biodynamic farming includes organic agriculture's emphasis on manures and composts and exclusion of the use of artificial chemicals on soil and plants. Methods unique to the biodynamic approach include the use of fermented herbal and mineral preparations as compost additives and field sprays and the use of an astronomical calendar to determine times of planting and harvesting.

Anyway, it is good stuff and I am excited to support local farmers who support the local environment. After talking with farmer John (as he is known), this CSA also provides recipes for ideas on how to use stuff like kholrhabi and daikon (for the non-cooker like me).

I will be picking a date soon to start my lifestyle changes; I am looking at the end of January, but I need to write it down so that I stick to it (I am looking at it similar to my training plans). Until then, I will be fatting myself up.

On another note, I did my longest hike yet since all of this "stuff" started - 7 mi. Felt good, energy felt good, and it was pretty on the trails (snow, yay!).

Holiday Eating Tips

2009-12-18T06:40:00.000-08:00

Since I am going gluten, dairy and legume free starting at the end of January, I have decided to make up for it this month To be funny here are some "Christmas Eating Tips" that I am currently living by.

Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. Like fine single-malt scotch, it's rare. In fact, it's even rarer than single-malt scotch. You can't find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.
Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
Same for pies. Apple. Pumpkin. Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or, if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards.
One final tip: If you don't feel terrible when you leave the party or get up from the table, you haven't been paying attention.

And the times they are a changin'

2009-12-15T13:37:00.000-08:00

Updated the look of my blog today, it was about time. Had fun making the header and am thinking I could change that more often now that I know how.

The picture of me is from our August two week hiking trip to New Hampshire this year. I am hiking down the Tuckerman's Ravine trail off of Mt. Washington.

For me mountains are a metaphor for my life.

An ascent that at first looks smooth turns out to have unseen dips and ridges and valleys.
The higher you climb, the thicker the weeds, the harder it is to breathe.
You need a clear vision of where you're going if you want to avoid getting disoriented by the clouds that roll in and block your view.
You have to be determined to make it to the top. Otherwise every slip, stumble, and fall will give you an excuse to turn around and head home.

Updates

2009-12-14T07:32:00.000-08:00

Our computer has died; it has been a long slow drawn out death. For weeks it has made horrid sounds as it tried to keep going, but alas it's end has come. Basically that means that I am updating these blogs at work-shhh.

I have been doing really well lately; the runs are starting, albeit slowly (I am up to 2 mi-whohoo). A far cry from my marathon training a long two months ago. I ran Saturday with the plans to run Sunday but the rain and cold and just general fatigue kept me lazy yesterday. My plans are to get to the NYE 5K (it is tradition) and then to work up to the Fool's 25K trail run (I really liked this on last year). Depending on how that training goes, I might sign up for the Rev3 Half Ironman, but I want to play it by ear. Originally that was going to be my plan, but hey life changes and I am on for the ride.

I am getting excited about the holidays, not only do I have 9 days off in a row but I am getting to spend (and get) some real holiday love with the family. I think this holiday (and everyone after this) will be just that much more wonderful because I am not taking anything for granted now. I am hoping for a white Christmas (enter song here), so that I can do some of this (oh how I love snow).
Happy Holidays to everyone!

There were signs

2009-12-07T05:34:00.000-08:00

My neurologist wanted me to write down anything that might have been a sign & symptom of MS.

Looking back there have been quite a few signs, it is funny that it all seems so apparent now, but I easily wrote them off when they occurred. I can see why MS is so hard to diagnosis, because all of these things could be something else and not obviously a chronic disease.

1) My first sign was IBS. Now this is something a lot of people get "diagnosed" with, but could be a sign of MS, food intolerance, other auto-immune diseases, etc. My doctor told me that 1 in 4 women are diagnosed with this (so do not worry, it isn't always a sign)
2) The year following my marriage (2004 - 2005) I was having these vertigo spells. If I moved my head at all I would feel dizzy and faint. I went to the doctors and she thought I was having these issues because my blood pressure was so low (60/90 at the time). So I was told to take in more salt and after around 7-8 months it went away.
3) Fast forward 3 years and I was training for my first AK marathon (this was 2008). I had done my 20 mi run on a really HOT day and afterwards my skin on my entire right side (from head to toe) went numb. I even posted something on my tri club forums to see if anyone else had this happen and people told me to go to the docs. I did, and all he said was that I had a pinched nerve in my shoulder and I received some PT exercises for my neck and back. After a couple of months I got all feeling back. My neuro gave me a vibration test (see below) and I passed with flying colors.

4) Then two months ago in Oct is when the migraine followed by optic neuritis occurred. Of course I was unable to ignore the fact that I lost vision in my left eye and I was forced to really confront what was happening to me.
5) Other signs

Fatigue - I am always tired and never feel like I get enough rest, this has been happening for years and mainly responsible for the 4-5 cups of tea and coffee I drank a day.

Heat Intolerance - I get zapped if there is any running in the sun or heat; in fact my husband makes fun of me because I am sweaty and red before we even begin to run

Falling/Stumbling - I am always falling (running, hiking, walking). My trail-running partner last year was always commenting about how I am always falling. Of course I have considered myself clumsy since a little kid.

Memory - this is my most annoying sign. For awhile now I have had trouble recalling words, memories, names, etc. I just thought it was typical, but now, not so much. Nothing like having beginning Alzheimer's at the age of 28.

Tight Muscles - I have had chronic tight calf muscles. At first I chalked it up to running, but I have not been running much this past month and they hurt every morning.

Shaking - I always joked that I could not be a surgeon, now I know why my hands shake so much. They just got worse after this last attack too.

So this is just the beginning of signs, it will be interesting to see what I "pick-up" along the way.

I ran

2009-12-01T05:26:00.000-08:00

I was determined to run last night. I got home at 5:30, changed quickly, grabbed the dog and ran. I ran a whole mile and half. I was going to limit myself to 1 mi with a .5 mi warm up and cool down, but it was chilly and I only made it a 1/4 mi before I wanted to move my legs. I felt aerobically really good (I am glad I am not completely at square one).

It was a pretty awesome night, the clouds were spooky behind the almost full moon. It was brisk and I enjoyed that shock to the system. I felt good to be alive. I made it home and celebrated in my own way. I was pretty tired after it, but my body had been in an almost vegetative state for a month. I will try running again on Wed, I hope I feel good.

Giving Thanks

2009-11-30T04:56:00.000-08:00

Thanksgiving holiday could not have fallen at a better time. I needed a four day holiday to rest and really give me time to wrap around everything that has happened in a month.

Thanksgiving Day was a little exhausting. We woke up at 4:00 am to take some friends to the airport and decided it would be easier to just stay up until the annual Homerun for the Homeless. This year neither P and I were able to run, but it is a family tradition, so we had to go at least cheer on our family. It was nice to see the rain subside and the sun come out for the day. Ran into Perseverance, who I had not seen in awhile and she took a nice picture of P and I. Note the fine Thanksgiving headpiece. It was good to get out and spend some time with family and friends.

At P's uncle's house for Thanksgiving I was able to talk with his cousin more about living with MS. He has had a pretty rough time of it all since his diagnosis 12 years ago at the age of 22, but he reminded me that everyone has a different situation. Either way it was nice to finally talk to someone who has dealt with this for awhile. I am happy that I have the health that I have now, and I will work to keep that for as long as I can.

The rest of the three day weekend was taking long walks, naps, and reading. It was a much needed weekend of taking care of myself. I managed a 5 mi walk on sand run yesterday and felt like I had much more energy. I will be trying to run this evening (just one mile with a .5 mi warm up and cool down) and see how it goes.

The biggest reading that I did this weekend was the MS Recovery Diet. After doing a lot of research it seemed that a lot of people have had success with figuring out food allergies/triggers and modifying their diet. I figure, if cannot hurt, and if it helps than even better.

As this book explains, there are five common food triggers that can set off the symptoms of MS-dairy, grains containing glutens, legumes, eggs, and yeast. Yet because MS is such a complex disease, other foods play a role, as culprits or aides. The key is figuring out what triggers symptoms in me and eliminating them from my diet. I am waiting until after the holidays to start this, but I am excited to be really focusing on my health. I am sure I will see other benefits for this diet, that will only enhance my health.

Newly Diagnosed

2009-11-24T20:39:00.000-08:00

The appointment with the neurologist at the Cleveland Clinic went well, as well as a diagnosis of MS can go that is. The doctor I met with was Dr. Lael Stone and I liked her immediately. She, herself armed with no Physician Assistant or RN, came and greeted me in the lobby. She sat with me over 1.5 hours and answered all my resounding questions with such grace and comfort I would not have believed she was a doctor. I have NEVER and I mean NEVER had such a great feeling from a doctor. Talk about looking at a patient as whole; she even got me a tissue when I got a little teary eyed over all of my "fears" of this dx. I left knowing that everything I was feeling was normal, I am not an emotional rollercoaster, just another person taken a back from something.

There was a lot of good news. First, she thinks I have the less aggresive form of MS called Relapsing-Remitting. Which means I will have bouts of MS signs & symptoms with periods of nothing. The good news is that I can start to work out again. She wants me to continue the things that I love, just with a little more care and attention to my body. I am only allowed to start walking for this week, but she said I could start running (slowly) after a good week of brisk walks. My limitations are few as of now, but I must listen to my body, work on my diet, start taking more supplements, and managing stress.

Phew, a lot to think about. I have already cut out all alcohol, since I had not been feeling well I figured that was an easy one. I have been drinking a lot of water and I have been more careful with my diet choices. After the holidays I will look into pinpointing certain foods that could trigger MS exacerbations (as they call it). If you had asked me two months ago if I could think of giving up beer, cheese, and possibly bread, I would have called you crazy. It is amazing that when you really have to look at your health, these things seem like an easy change.

After my appointment, Dr. Stone handed me a plethra of reading materials. I also ordered 3 books from Amazon.com that arrived today. I am sure that these will keep me pondering about things for the upcoming months. I was never one to not research things to their fullest.

Anyway, the day ended with some of my favorite CTC Akron peeps for a good dinner at Crave. Thanks Kim and Erin for the much needed fun.

Running with MS

2009-11-23T11:28:00.001-08:00

MI am trying to make sense of everything by researching MS and running/triathlons...etc. It is a little disheartening that the only information found on "Running & MS" was a story about a woman's husband who was running before the diagnosis and ended up having to give it up (great) or another story about a woman training for a marathon with MS (have no idea how that ended) or that the few blogs I have found about it are people relatively new to the disease and all of them (the three I found) cut off at some random point and do not continue (did it all become too much).

Is MS really that rough that I cannot run? What is the difference between today and the marathon I ran two months ago? I felt REALLY good at the AK Marathon this year, leaps and bounds from the year before. In fact this has been a heck of a year for running so far...

January- Winter Buckeye Trail Half Marathon
March- Shamrock 15K
April - Fools 25K
Numerous Trail runs and short runs through summer
Sept - Buckeye Half and Ak Marathon
Oct- Best recovery month ever (felt energetic and healthy, until I got sick)

OK, so right now I have not run in a month, but I can take/understand that I need to heal right now. I just don't want to say that things will never happen again.

Tomorrow I make my way up to the Cleveland Clinic, I am hoping for some, well...hope. I want to be positive and cheerful and focused...I want that to be reiterated from the doctors. I want them to tell me to go for a run tomorrow (I am feeling better & crossing my fingers for this one).

I cannot even explain how weird of a time I am having right now, trying to come to grips with all of this while still working full time, taking care of a household, and trying to just live day to day in some "normalcy". Sometimes I have to stop and remind myself that all of this has to do with me, I want to distance myself from the pity and love at times (I never was a attention whore). I also want to snap my fingers and go back to what I felt just a month a go...a long month a go.

Here's to hope!

BTW, I love that MS color is orange (one of my favorites).

6:15 am

2009-11-22T04:10:00.000-08:00

This morning like every Sunday, Paul got up at 6:15 am to head to work (while I get to sleep in). I looked over at the clock with my "bad" eye and I COULD SEE. This is the first time since losing my eyesight that I could actually make out the clock. YAYAYYAYAYAYAYAYAY!!!

I am having a moment right now. :)

and...

2009-11-17T10:14:00.000-08:00

Well the news was not what I hoped for. The MRI showed over 3 lesions on the brain which means probable MS. There is still a glimmer of hope, I still have to have another "episode" before they will diagnosis it completely. At this point I have an 80% chance of being completely diagnosed.

This was third and final day of extra strength IV steroids which have made my stomach a little rough, I was having trouble holding anything down the past few days. The reason that I am given steroids is to help keep MS from showing itself for the next few years. So although they are making me feel like crap, I figure that they will be a lifesaver for a little while. The next step will be oral steroids for 10 days and a trip to a neurologist at the Cleveland Clinic (which I am sure will require some more testing).

I am holding up fairly well despite everything. Not sure if it has sunk in completely yet, but at the same time, I am a deeply hopeful and positive person 85% of the time. For me it is just another challenge in life for me to overcome. Not to say I have not had my moments, I am tired of feeling like crap and I am fearful of the things that may be taken away, but I am also resigned to knowing that I cannot change this. I have nothing to do but to be hopeful and positive.

One last thing, I want to thank everyone for their kind thoughts and support. I have been inundated with so much love that it has been overwhelming. I am so lucky to have so many people who care.

Patience

2009-11-13T06:54:00.000-08:00

I have made it through a week, next Monday I find out about my MRI results. I have been through all types of emotions this week; everything from happy, anxiety, exhaustion, fear, and anger. I don't always think about the worst "what if", quite contrary, most of the time I am happy and laughing. I think it hits me most when I am reminded about the possibilities of a disease that could take away some of my most treasured things; running and backpacking. The feeling is overwhelming when I think, "I am 28 years of age and my "prime" of life might have already passed."

Anyway, more news will come in a few days. For anyone who is interested this is what I am seeing through my left eye. Like someone has smeared a thick coat of Vaseline on my glasses.

Music Therapy

2009-11-10T12:59:00.000-08:00

Music is a savior...

Regina Spektor's new album Far makes me feel good. I believe that I will survive.

Today

2009-11-09T10:38:00.000-08:00

Lack of sleep and trepidation has made this past week rough. Want/need to exercise because I know that is why I am unable to get as many hours of sleep. Grrr

Testing is Done...for the meantime

2009-11-08T12:22:00.000-08:00

Although I was nervous, the MRI went well on Friday. I was lucky that they had CDs and headphones while going through the test. The test took a little over 50 min-25 minutes regular and 25 minutes injected with a dye. I am feeling a lot better this weekend, although my eyesight is still gone, most of the pain has left my eye. I will take the small wins right now.

I just have to be patient during the waiting game. 8 days until I know anything.

MRIs and Lost Vision

2009-11-05T11:30:00.000-08:00

Have not written here for a long time, but I have been needing to journal. Things are topsy turvy in my life right now and I am very fearful of what is going to come. I feel that anything could happen.

To give the basics about two weeks ago I began feeling like I was getting a headache, over a few days the headache became unbearable. I was dizzy, nauseous, and my head felt like someone was beating me with a hammer. After about 4 days of continuous pain I went to my Dr.

He right away thought it was a migraine (which I had once after my wisdom teeth were pulled and it felt different) and I thought maybe he was right. I agreed on trying the medicine that he gave me and over the course of two days the headache went away. I still had this sever pressure behind my eye, but I was hoping that it would go away in a day or two.

In two days time I began to lose eyesight in my left eye. After googling a lot of "possible" diseases, I thought it would be better for me to visit an ophthalmologist and get an actual Dr.'s opinion. After a long appointment, my doc stated she thought that the cause was my optic nerve, something called Optic Neuritis. She also knew that I was going to google it, so she stated that I would find out that it could be a sign of Multiple Sclerosis.

I thanked her for the information but in my mind I was like, "WTF!!!!! Are f-ing serious?"

Of course I knew what it was, I have a best friend whose mom has been dealing with it, P's cousin has had it since he was 15, and I studied physiology in my undergrad, the implications of this were overwhelming to me.

My ophthalmologist wanted me to get a second opinion from another ophthalmologist who specializes in the optic nerve. This past Monday was that appointment, after the exact same tests at the last Dr (you think that they could share information) it was reconfirmed that I indeed did have Optic Neuritis and that I had lost a significant portion of my eyesight.

He also gave me the Multiple Sclerosis spiel (stating that 50% of Optic Neuritis sufferers have MS) and asked me to get an MRI. I am due for a full MRI of my brain and spinal chord tomorrow.

What am I feeling right now? Well, afraid, mad, unsure, scared, emotional, tired, and just sad. I am not allowed to work out, because a rise in body temperature can aggravate the optic nerve. Usually if I am having a bad day, week, month I turn to running. Not only am I feeling all of these things but my favorite stress reliever has been taken away.

It will be over a week before I find out the results, I am hoping for the best, expecting the worst, and trying to be strong in the ensuing weeks. Life is funny at handing things to you when you least expect it...scary.

Tastes Like Chicken (Is it Chicken?)

2008-08-25T10:04:00.000-07:00

It's been a long time since I have written...but I got my J-O-B, been at it a month and it has kept me busy- at least with the full time work.

On to what I wanted to write this blog about...

PERCEPTION of one's self, compared to other people's perception of you.

At work (yes the new job), people always come by and say that I look stressed (which is not true, in fact life has been a lot easier). So what is it about me that gives off the feeling of being stressed? I must have a look. As a kid, my parents said I was never a smiley type of child. I was quite and I guess "somber". I do not think that I have ever grown out of that, I have never been the type to go around smiling, I have to work hard to smile all the time.

I have always noticed that it takes people a while to warm up to me. I like to have fun, but maybe that does not show until you have actually hung out with me for a bit. Maybe they are put off because I look 12. Maybe I am have a look...the same one that makes me seem stressed. I like people to be frank with me, hopefully at some point in my life, someone will just say what it is.

Perception is a funny thing. Senge, the guy who developed those "mental models", stated "Before you open your eyes in the morning, 80% of what your going to see is already encoded in your brain." Hmmm...

Will work for food

2008-07-14T20:32:00.000-07:00

Not really,

Here I sit two weeks after my intense interview at the University of Akron for the Special Events Manager and still no word. I realize that universities require many departments and a whole lot of paperwork, but still it is no easier on me. In fact the mere stress of it all had me down in out with a cold/flu last week. Maybe I cannot blame it all on the stress but I am sure it does not help. Right now it is 11:30 pm and I am unable to sleep because of all the "what ifs" in my head. Sometimes I wish that I would not think about it all, and yet here I am.

Life would be easier if:

I was not married and I could move on a dime
BUT life would not have as much joy either (dang love)
My father did not have cancer and I could feel at ease about moving far away
BUT I would take life much more for granted and not seize the day as I am now
I did not care about finding a job that I enjoyed
BUT then my life would not be as satisfying
I would not over analyze things to much
BUT then I would not be as good at my job as I am
I already had a full-time job
BUT then I would not be learning valuable life lessons about struggling

OK enough. Phew, glad to get that off my chest

SummiTriathlon Race Report

2008-06-23T06:28:00.000-07:00

Only my third triathlon ever.

I rarely do a race report, but since this was my best race in a long time....

Early morning-Munroe Falls Lake

Pre-Race
Woke up at 4:00 am after a restless night of sleep and two previous crappy nights of sleep the days before. I strained my back working a Lebron James VIP event at my work (to much to explain), and I was worried that once again my race would turn to shite. I ate a breakfast of one bagel with jelly (trying to cut out dairy before races due to GI issues), blueberry pomegranate juice and a banana (and of course a few vitamin Is for my back). I was already packed for the race, so I just double checked everything to make sure I had it all. P was hardly nervous and joked with me about my pre-race jitters. We headed out to Munroe Falls to get there at exactly 6:00 am sharp to pick up our packet and rack our bikes. This is an early start because the park opens at 10:00 am and CHAMP racing had only until 9:45 to get everything wrapped up. We picked out a prime location for our bikes and saved some spots for our friends. This was Brandon and P's first tri last year and both were participating this year much stronger and focused. This was also the first race of our friend Todd and P's dad, and we wanted to make them feel as comfortable as possible, so we all lined up on the same rack. It was a cool morning, and I wanted to get out and warm up in the water a bit. CHAMP had race waves a little different than other places, first were the elites at 7:06, then the women 40-U at 7:13, then women 40-up at 7:18, then the men. So my wave was the second one up and I hurried into the water at 7:00 am to do a few laps before the start.
SWIM
Trying to get used the chill

It was an in water start with a 200 y swim out and then duck under a lane line and swim back. At 7:13 the buzzer went off and about 30 women and I were off. I am still in need of some tri swimming practice because I got blocked in and couldn't move out of the group. I was frustrated because I could have gone faster but I was at the mercy of the group, women were kicking me all around and I had to keep looking up to see if I could get past anyone. It did start to thin out at the end of the first 200 yards and I was able to get past some women and hit my stride for the second 200 y. I am sure I had a negative split for the way back because it too what seemed like 2:00 minutes less.

Swim Time: 8:59

T1
Me in T1

This was one of my best first transitions, I rolled up my socks before the race so I could just roll them onto my feet, which kept a lot of that wet feet sticky issues at bay. I quickly laced up my shoes, downed a hammer gel, and strapped on my helmet. The only issue I had was P's suggestion of resting the bike on the brakes instead of the seat caused me to not be able to get the bike off the rack for a bit, a few choice words later, I was finally able to get the bike off and was ready.

T1 time: 2:25 (not bad considering bike issues)

Bike
Running back to rack my bike

I followed a group of women on my bike, we must have all missed the turn for the exit because somehow we ended up following the run route instead. After looping around the gatehouse twice we all broke through the main entrance to the park. I was at this point in the lead and instead of hopping off my bike to go through the sand trail I tried to bike through it. Just so all of you know road bikes aren't mtn. bikes and I quickly fell off my bike. The 8 other women around me and I were all a bit pissed (it turned out we did a mile extra getting lost), but we quickly caught up to the group on the road. It would have been funny if it hadn't added so much time. Somehow I missed seeing a bunch of people pass me on the bike. I was so wound up that I mashed the pedals and pushed out a fairly good 12 mi (instead of 11 mi) time. I passed a lot of women (some on expensive tri bikes) which just got me more excited as I made my way through the bike course. Todd came by me looking strong and I encouraged him to keep moving, he was making good time on his first tri.

Bike time: 41.12
Bike Computer Mileage: 11.98
Avg Speed: 16.8

T2
Todd and I in T2

Since I do not have clipless pedals yet, T2 was rather smooth. All I had to do was take my helmet off, drink some gatorade, clip race belt, and I was done.

T2 time: 39 s

Run
First steps of run

Felt a bit wobbly on the run at first but made myself keep running (even though it was slow). I was glad that I could catch my breath enough to keep that steady slow pace that I am known for. The first 1.55 mi loop was just trying to get my legs to work, I felt that nagging calf knot that has been showing up lately during runs. I stopped for a second to stretch that calf, knowing that it would just get worse if I didn't. I think that moment saved my race, as I was able to continue without feeling like the cramp would set in again. The second lap was faster than the first because my legs began to understand what I was trying to do to them. It was my first time EVER feeling pretty good on the run during a triathlon. This made me so happy and I was running on pure adrenaline at this point. Another women tried to pass me on the last bit, right before the finish, but I kicked up my pace to finish strong and get my Second Place AG Award (yay, I have never received an award in a tri). I was ecstatic.
Last kick to keep off lady behind me

Run Time: 30:00

Overall Time: 1:23:17 (good enough for 2nd AG)

(L-R) Todd, Paul, Me (clutching my AG Award), Brandon

Catching Up

2008-06-18T03:35:00.000-07:00

I realize that I have been slacking on my blog. It seems that it is the last thing I think of when working two jobs and just trying to keep training up. I am sure people are rarely reading it these days anyway, but here is an update on my life in the past month.

Work:
Well I have two jobs but not a full-time one yet. I am still working part time at the University of Akron as an Outdoor Adventure Recreation Specialist- in fact I am applying at the Student Rec for a full-time job (wish me luck). I have made it through a phone interview that has now turned into a full day on campus interview. It is down to me and a few others. Nervous excitement is the word that I am using...I have put a lot of hope into getting this job, but I know that may be "putting my eggs into one basket" as the saying goes. I am trying to push that hope to the side and think more logically about it all, but I am a dreamer so the likeliness of that is slim.

My other job is at Cleveland Metroparks, as the Institute of the Great Outdoors Seasonal (very similar to my job at Akron). I really like the job, but there are no full-time positions to try for and the drive up there stinks (especially with rising gas prices). In someways it feels like I am stuck permanently as the great part-time employee that people do not want to get rid of because I work hard and I am paid cheap but I hope that my hard work will pay off at some point. I know P would appreciate some help with the bills, we are very tight now and a full time job would allow some of that stress to leave him. He was amazing to support me through my undergrad, I just want that undergrad to pay off at some point, for him more than me.

Training:
Training has been going well, I feel like I my body is getting back to healthy after the long recovery from the torn meniscus. We are swimming, biking, running, hiking, paddling, etc to better health. At times I feel the irony of life that I enjoy too many pursuits so that I will never be good at just one thing. I cannot sacrifice one thing that I do for another, and that has been my choice. I would be sad to give up just one of them, in fact I find myself taking on even more sports (how many can you do before it becomes too much...we will see).

As for races I have had a season of disappointments. I find that maybe one out of seven turns out OK. Between GI issues, side cramps, and muscle tightness, I just have not been feeling like my old self. It has been frustrating, I am 27 years of age, is my body already deteriorating? I stretch and rest and try hard, why do I feel like my body is giving out on me? Plus the last week of heat almost killed me, I was struggling to breathe and my legs have felt tired. I am not sure what to do about all of that. Hopefully time will start to see some changes.

On a side note, I have decided after two marathon trainings that had to end in injury, that I am training for the Akron Marathon with my dad. For those of you who do not know, he has Leukemia (CLL) now for 3+ years. In that time he has run 5 marathons, 6 half-marathons, and numerous small races. He is not "fast" but he is steady and his mind is tough. I think God is telling me that my first marathon should be with him...maybe that is why my marathon training has never worked out, I needed to experience this with him first. So I will be running the Akron with my father because he is my inspiration. BTW, who runs their first marathon for time anyway? I want him there to pull me along in those last tough miles.

Life:
My life is fairly good, P and I had our four year wedding anniversary a couple weeks ago. I feel blessed to be with someone who loves me so much. He has always made me feel like the most beautiful woman in the world and that has not changed. I now get when people say that you fall more in love with the one you are with. I told him the other day that I love him more than the day that we married, I think that is because in every rough patch we have made it through, we have become even closer because our understanding of each other has only grown. I am thankful that he is in my life.

trepidation

2008-05-19T05:39:00.001-07:00

Over a week since I have had to "school it". Funny how we end up where we are in life. Here I am not sure what/where the next chapter in my life is headed. A little relieved and at the same time a little uncertain. I am sure this is the feeling you get when you are truly at the crossroads. On one side is the past- the things that have shaped you as a person, the other side focuses on the future- the things that you hope and reach for. Part of me wants to stay in the comfort zone that I have clung dearly onto, the other wants to heave herself forward.

I am scared...is that weak to announce things like that in your life? I am fearful that the belief system that I have always thought to be true is just a facade; similar to other things in my life. I know and have told others that the unknown-those things that really torture who you are in life, are also the most rewarding, but I am unsure that I want to deal with that right now. Haven't I earned my keep for now? Can't things just go easy and as planned sometimes? I want the money issue to be gone and I want security, knowing that my brain, my plans, my dreams will all be utilized and not just thrown out like scraps of nothing.

I allow my emotions to be too wrapped up in thoughts like these. Sometimes I wish I was less complicated-black and white, but I am every shade of color that there is and today I feel quite like "burnt sepia" or possibly "coal black". Oh it is time to stop when analogies of life mirror crayola colors.

I'm Done...YAY!

2008-05-11T19:28:00.000-07:00

I graduated this weekend and what a wonderful feeling. So to celebrate:

May 10th

Emerald Necklace 5K Trail run
Mickey Ryzmek put on an amazing event with NCSports. This was the inaugural year for this trail run and it was a very good time. Not an easy course, a little rocky and hilly, but I was happy with my finish of 32:00 min. What a beautiful day and I would recommend this race for people looking for a difficult trail run. I got this in before the actual commencement ceremony.

Dad and I before the run, we dressed alike by accident

Perseverance, Me and Dad after the race

Commencement
Headed down to the university at 1:00 pm for the ceremony. I was lucky to have my 92 year old grandmother, my grandfather, my supporting husband, my mom and my dad there to support me. It was not a very long ceremony and I was glad to have that moment of notice for the work that I have put into my degree. Now the feelings of what now? are taking over...

Before Graduation shot at the house....
Walking across the stage...
Grams, Me, and Mom, after shot.

Feeling good, relaxed even.

2008-04-04T10:59:00.000-07:00

Training March 29th-April 4th

Saturday March 29th: off
Sunday March 30th: ran 3mi, swam 6oo y (did not feel good)
Monday March 31st: ran 3 mi
Tuesday April 1st: 2000 y swim, 1 hour core strength class
Wednesday April 2nd: climbed 1 hr
Thursday April 3rd: off (not feeling well)
Friday April 4th: off (not feeling well)

2008-04-04T10:55:00.000-07:00

Training March 22nd-28th

Saturday March 22nd: ran 3 mi
Sunday March 23rd: swam 2300 y stationary biked 45 min
Monday March 24th: ran 3 mi
Tuesday March 25: 1700 m swim (50 m lengths)
Wednesday March 26th: ran 3 mi climbed 30 min
Thursday March 27th: biked 45 min
Friday March 28th: off

Gradually-ating

2008-03-28T11:48:00.000-07:00

Got the official letter today....I AM GRADUATING!!!

MAY 10th 2008

Julia Capes Neal
MAJOR: Bachelors of Education-Exercise Physiology
MINOR: Biology
CONCENTRATION: Sport Management

Now what????

2008-03-27T05:57:00.000-07:00

Training March 15th-21st

Saturday 15th: 3 mi run and 1450 y swim
Sunday 16th: 1500 y swim and 30 min stationary bike
Monday 17th: 3 mi run
Tuesday 18th: 40 min stationary bike
Wednesday 19th: 3 mi run
Thursday 20th: 1700 y swim
Friday 21st: off

2008-03-20T12:08:00.000-07:00

My training is picking up, so I have decided to log my training miles again

Training (March 8th-14th)

Saturday March 8th: 2 hour snowshoe in the blizzard of '08
Sunday March 9th: Shamrock 5K and 1 hour snowshoe
Monday March 10th: climbed 1 hr
Tuesday March 11th: ran 3.5 mi, swam 900 y
Wednesday March 12th: ran 3 mi
Thursday March 13th: stationary bike 45 min
Friday March 14th: off

Winter 08 in Review

2008-03-10T12:51:00.000-07:00

Well since I find myself taken so much lately by two jobs and the final semester, I thought I would show what I have done the past few months with pictures.

New Year's Eve
Sarah (Bill's Fiance), Paul, Me, and Bill (P's Brother)

The New Kittens Clive and Cassidy

Cassidy getting a ride from P

C& C Music Factory and Mingus

The Group I Lead to Backpack in Oil Creek State Park

Eating Lunch at Oil Creek SP

Hiking Out From Oil Creek

Snowshoeing On My Street During The Blizzard of 08

Horsing Around In The Snow

Moms Came Out to Cheer Me On at the Shamrock 5K

Overdressed at the 5KShowing How Big The Piles of Snow Are At the 5K

Snowshoeing Sunday after the Blizzard

Snowshoeing at the Golf Course

Letting the Mingus and the Neighbor Dog Play in the Snow

So that was January-February-Beginning of March. Hope the pictures were nice.

Winter Hike

2008-02-22T10:00:00.000-08:00

Going backpacking for the weekend in the snow.

Yep...excited!

Life and Death

2008-02-08T05:54:00.000-08:00

As I have grown up, I became more aware of death. Not the fear of it, per say, no...more understanding it. I have long realized that life is fickle and at any moment we can be swept away to the infinite abyss that is "death". What death means to me is still yet to be decided, agnostic at best, but I do realize that with everyday, I find myself less and less afraid of the significant "D" word.

Why the sudden need to talk about something so dire?

Well for the first time in my life, I witnessed a fit, healthy 20 year old have a heart attack. I have witnessed first-hand what it looks like to give chest compressions and use an AED; and what it looks like to watch someone almost die and come back to life (albeit barely). I do not think it dawned on me until a few days later how once again I am greatly changed by an important, yet small part of life that has had an amazing impact on how I view the world.

I was surprised that I was not more disturbed by the whole occurrence. I felt as I should have been shaken to the core, that I should have shed some tears (as many others did), but I was comfortable, relaxed, on-the-ball during the whole conundrum. I realized a few days later, that the experience did change me but not as some, I felt a surge of who I am. Within this young man's suffering was an emergence of life in me.

Do not get me wrong, it was a horrible scene and very intense, but as I reflect back to the incident, it made me realize that I am built to be a calm in these times. I understand that to "die" or to experience "dying" will be a part of all of our lives---and that does not scare me. I am not sure that those feelings are either good nor bad, but for me it gave me another sense of purpose. That in a moment of urgency or even emergency, that I will be calm and level headed enough to make tough, smart decisions...and that at times all of your efforts will be in vain and other times will end with an amazing miracle, but to feel that is life.

I am no longer afraid of the struggles and complications of life. Sure I will get stressed and even cry on occasions, but in the big scheme of things I thank my lucky stars that life is as challenging as it is. So that I know that I am becoming the best that I can be, and that when I die, I feel I have learned and grown, and that all things are life lessons.