Back, at least for today

I cannot believe it has been over a year since I have posted.  At the same time, I think I needed a break.  I have found myself overwhelmed by all of the blogs that I follow.  

Those that have better health and are actually hitting all the aspirations that they wish for, I found myself a little bitter and jealous (only because my body does not like me as much as it did pre-MS).  For those with MS or other chronic disease, at times the blogs were to heavy for me to really take in - I just wasn't there. yet.  This year has been another challenge, I might get into that one of these days, but in the end, the challenges that I have dealt with over the past 4-5 years are nothing compared to the strength that I have gained.  I get it, life is not fair, especially to those that seem to be given more to carry than others.  However, that is life.  God is not out there pointing to me (or others) and giving me more hardships than the next guy.  Please do not say to me that things happen for a reason; I do not and cannot believe that.

For those of you wanting to know how my triathlon, backpacking and running career has been - well pretty non-existent in the past 8 months.  Yesterday, I went for my first run in 4 months, as said before, my body is not where it was.  However, I do not give up.  I am in a moment of health right now that I am holding on to, so who knows, I will keep you all posted.

As for pregnancy, that is a long story that I may touch on one of these days.  It is been a heartbreaking journey for Paul and I, my body, not related to the MS, has not been on the same page as I had dreamed.  Again, just another personal lesson that I am learning to get through, thank goodness for my amazing hubby!

In the past year, I have hit my 4 year mark as a professional at UA, adopted a pup named Greta, remodeled a kitchen, took my first lazy beach vacation and I have dreamed, hoped and wished for many things.  That is all we have.  Oh yeah, I have also gotten addicted to Pinterest...haha, a great way to get motivated from everything crafty to working out.  :)

So I hope my blogger journey will start up again, I am looking forward to writing again, it is a great outlet.  It is also a great way to connect with all my peeps; all of you - healthy and struggling.  I leave you with a pic of Paul and I, boy I sure love him!

 

OH NO - the big three oh.

February 28, 2011 - Yep, the dreaded 30.  Not sure how I am feeling about all of this...

There is a little fear that I have with this number.  I mean, what does this day have that the day before does not?  Not sure, but I do know that my 20s were short - or long - depending on how you look at it.  When I really analyze all of things that happened during that time, well it was A LOT.  But it passes so quickly and many things changed.  The way that I view life is completely different now - I am older and wiser, with a few more wrinkles (and more to come).  I am also glad that I made it out on the other side (trust me - there were moments).  

There were some really rough times; my father's diagnosis with cancer, my diagnosis with MS, lost loved ones, and the reality that my youth was just a set-up to real life (man I wish I had not complained on all of those late teens/ early 20s stresses - little did I know).

There were also so many amazing times; hiking the Appalachian Trail (with my sister),  meeting my soul-mate and marrying him, becoming a runner-kayaker-climber-hiker-biker- triathlete (huh, when did all that happen?), traveling, graduating college, laughing A LOT, getting my first real job and (not to pat myself on the back) excelling at it.

It is something that I can look back at with little remorse, I have and WILL always say that the choices that I have made only allowed me to become the person I am today.  AND DANG, I am woman hear me roar...I feel confident and ready for the next step...

Wait, do I feel ready? Depending on the moment and the day I am never quite sure of the answer.  Reality is that I have a chronic disease that is likely to hit hard sometime in the next decade - reality is that I will likely lose some more loved ones - reality is that things will happen that I cannot even fathom right now...but I do not want to focus on that.  I want to focus on me and where I am right now!  I am doing pretty well, maybe because I am less emotional about everything that has happened.  Maybe because those life lessons that I experienced in my 20s have allowed me to calm down.  Maybe because I am me and no one else is.  The days that I am down, the days that I am up...only I really experienced them and know what truly they are and mean.  Or do I?

So I will leave you with this quote that I read recently and that just rang true to everything that I am experiencing...

"True wisdom comes to each of us when we realize how little we understand about life, ourselves, and the world around us." - Socrates

Here is to another decade, if God (or whoever the world reign is) allows it.

1 year anniversary

Ok, so it has been one year since I have been gluten and dairy free.  Still learning, still tweaking...as mentioned before.  So I want to take the time to list some of my favorite meals and pre-made foods that have made this year easier than I thought.

Yummy Pretzels (Glutino Pretzels)

I love these pretzels, taste just as good as regular.  Not missing a thing.

Favorite Bar (Kind Bars)

So tasty and so good for you!

Favorite Bread (Udi's Sandwhich Bread)

Taste & Texture are almost the same as regular bread and they do not need to be frozen!!!  Yummy :)

Favorite Granola (Udi's wins again with their Cranberry Nut)

For some reason all other gluten free granola's have a weird texture... this taste like the real thing!

Favorite already prepared frozen food (Tandoor Chef Pad Thai)

The flavors are sooooo good and for only $3.50 I have a meal for lunch!

Favorite Pasta (Tinkyada - only pasta that taste's like the real thing, DON'T try any other brand)

Sometimes you need to 'carb' up and man, these are great!

Favorite Restaurants (There are quite a few; Altieri's, PF Changs. Chipolte, Rusty Bucket & Vegiterranean)

OK, so all of these offer GF/DF options and that makes it worth it on my part!

Best place to find recipes (CooksIllustrated - my mom bought a membership)

They are not all GF/DF recipes, but they test them and perfect them.  Many of them are GF/DF by nature or can be adapted)

Best Cream Substitute (Light Coconut Milk)

The only thing that really gives a creamy texture and no it does not taste like coconut!

Best butter sub (Earth Balance)

I have tried lots, not butter but pretty dang close!

Favorite Bakery & Food (Mom's)

My sis, mom and I - My sister made awesome GF/DF soft pretzels and my mom - well what doesn't she bake for me (She perfected the GF/DF pie, breads, cakes, dumplings, cookies, soups, main dishes, sides...phew, she should go into business).  Their love and effort has just made everything easier.  LOVE THEM!!!

Working Out Again...Starting over Again...

I have decided not to bore all of you with my positives for each day, but I still write them down.  It does help me realize that each day has something to be grateful for, even if it is small.

On other fronts, I am consistently working out each week.  I am now two months into a strength training program that I do 2-3x a week.  I never thought that I would be doing assisted pull-ups, dips, overhead presses, squats and a range of strength and core exercises.  I hope that this helps me to keep my strength up, even though running has not been going so hot.  I also started back to indoor rock climbing.  The only sport where you feel every bit of lost strength.  Paul and I climbed yesterday and I assumed that with all of my strength exercises  I would be bounding up the 54 ft, 10 ft pitch indoor wall...ha.  I was so pumped (a term climbers use for when your muscles turn rock hard and your veins poke out from exhaustion), but it was good.  I was happy to get a chance to do this again.  Paul was feeling pretty weak as well, so at least I could not blame it on the MS, it really was just not climbing recently.

I have not gotten into the pool in a while and I won't until my rec center starts their triathlon training March 7.  At this point I am trying to stay above the dry skin that is caused by consistent 0 - 20 degree weather and chlorine just adds to the dry skin issues, so I am happy waiting out until winter is almost done.  I have my bike on a trainer and have managed at least one workout a week...not great, but I have a hard time motivating myself on something that keeps you in one place.  ;)

Positives 1/14-1/16

Friday, January 14.

• I bought a CD I had been wanting for awhile
• I enjoyed a delicious Chipotle meal (yea for GF/DF options there)
• I enjoyed packing for my WFR.  Packing a backpack and going into the woods - my favorite.

Saturday, January 15 & January 16

• WFR was great, since my body actually held up pretty well.  Tired but good
• Braces, tractions splints, BUFF (Big Ugly Fat & Fluffy) splints were made & I remembered them well.
• Last scenario was fun; full moon, snow and lots of fake blood and fake broken bones.

Wilderness First Responder

This weekend I will be heading to Pennsylvania for a recertification of my Wilderness First Responder.  For those of you who are unaware of what this is, it is (from Wikipedia):

A wilderness first responder is trained to deal with many situations that may be encountered in the wilderness. While a standard Department of Transportation defined First Responder course as taught by an organization such as the American Red Cross may require 40 hours of training, the typical Wilderness First Responder Course involves 80 hours of training. Wilderness first responder training courses focus on teaching the students to assess a situation, improvise solutions using available resources to stabilize the patient and identify the best way to get the patient to definitive medical treatment. In many courses, students are encouraged to develop the habit of systematically thinking through and documenting their assessment decisions/plans using a SOAP note. Topics covered usually include, but are not limited to, the following principles

• Basic Life Support
• Responding to results of trauma:
  • Management of soft tissue injury such as a burn or wound
    • Prevention and/or treatment of blood-borne pathogens
    • Treatment of infectious diseases
  • Management of bone and joint injuries such as fractures, sprains, strains and dislocations
  • Management of suspected head and or spinal injury
• Responding to the onset of sudden illness
• Transport/evacuation planning and implementation

It is a great course filled with scenarios of fake broken bones, gashes, hypothermia, allergies, etc.

It is really odd to be heading to do this with my diagnosis of MS.  3 years ago when I did the full 9 day course, I felt so strong and healthy.  This certification, which includes learning how to carry out a person with a  makeshift back brace, is a very grueling and physical course.  I would lie if I did not say I was worried about how I am going to hold up for two 12 hour days in the snow.  I just pray that my body likes me this weekend.  It would be nice to have this certification for another three years, because at this point WHO KNOWS what will happen.

Even though I am nervous, I really enjoy the medical side of outdoor pursuits.  In another life, I would have loved to be a wilderness rescuer, even getting my wilderness EMT, I enjoy anatomy (hence the heavy physiology based exercise science degree)...but this is my life now. I cannot be a liability on a search and rescue, they need strong, healthy peeps with no health issues.  These are the moments that you feel the little pangs of sadness for where your life is now.  I really wish I had been a lazy, non-exercising slob - then losing my body abilities may be a little easier to swallow.

Positives for the day

Oh yeah and one more resolution.  My positives for the day.  What are those you ask, well something(s) big or small that is a positive thing in my life that day.

January 13, 2011 Positives

• I woke up with a lot of energy today
• I could stretch my hamstrings oh that little bit farther after 5 days of yoga in morning and night
• The person that was dropping the ball at work finished two projects for me today
• I saw the sun peak out twice (which is a lot for NE Ohio)
• Someone left some gluten free/ dairy free animal crackers on my desk.
• My student employees borrowed my lap top, went onto my facebook page and put a funny status up - "I smell like BO and subway"(what a great joke)
• I had a gym workout (squats, pull-ups, dips, etc) and am sore in a good way
• I had a good eyesight day (I know that is weird but some days my eye is better than others...Oh MS, silly disease)

Not bad for one day.  I will take it.

Life Resolutions (not just the new year)

I have been doing some soul searching lately.  Well really, I am almost always looking in, but now I am making some changes.  I realize that my resolutions are not as much for the year, as for my sanity & health, so I am going to refer to them as life resolutions.  These are items that I will be working on for the rest of my life, not just in the new year.

To start off a little simply:

1. Restarting daily yoga.  Not only have I stopped in the past year or so, but I have noticed that I am not nearly as flexible or relaxed as I once was.  Not sure if this is because of the MS or if I am just a ball of tight muscle from the years of running and soccer, but either way I have struggled lately with my flexibility.  I have had a nagging muscle (not sure if it is pulled or what) in my butt that has caused me problems running for the past month.  I have been stretching, rolling, sticking, and even sitting on dryer balls to try to get this area loosened up, nothing has worked.  Another easy 3 mi run this weekend ended with me barely able to move my right leg forward and that was enough to motivate me to start again.  
2. Can't change what is happening to me, so must change my outlook.  This is true especially with work.  Hours, stress, conflicts at work have drained me emotionally.  I was to the point of actually hating every hour, minute, second that I was there.  Considering that work is a huge part of my life and that I really enjoy what I do, I had to rethink how I was approaching each day and situation.  So my focus is to rethink how I let things get to me and also that I need to be more honest with my peers and boss about these items.  I am now in my second week of trying this and it has worked out fairly well.  Last week I talked to my boss about a co-worker who was dropping the ball on assignments (for an entire semester) that I was forced to pick up the slack.  I did not want to call this person out, but I was tired of it wearing me down.  I felt that the conversation went well and even if nothing changes, I did what was needed to get the stress off of my shoulders and back on to his.  I refuse to pick up his slack anymore.  I also have to change my outlook on MS and fertility.  I am reminded constantly by the MS community that I should stop trying to figure out when, why and where things are going to happen.  Instead just know that things will happen, these items are out of my control and that is that.  I have to stop focusing on every numb arm and leg, bout of dizziness, exhaustion, odd-shaped uterus :) ...when it is big, I will address it.  For now, this is just my norm.
3. Continue to tweak my diet.  I have really done well in this past year as you all know from my posts, but there are still some areas to work on.  I want to cut out more sugar, which is my addiction.  For example, it is easy to snack on some sweet tarts because I know they are gluten & dairy free and they are soooo good.  But instead of having a bowl of them at my work desk, instead, I will allow them to be a once in a while treat.

All in fertility

I really had not given the details of everything since I found out I had a bicornuate/ septate uterus.   I figured for those other 0.05 - 0.1% of women who have this and those of you that would like an update, I would go into detail a little more.  My OB/GYN had me go to a reproductive endocrinologist after the discovery of my 'heart-shaped' uterus.  A very nice doctor here in Akron, Dr. Moretuzzo sat me in his office and gave me the list of testing that was to begin:

1. Hormone Blood Draw: To make sure that my hormones were actually stimulating my body to do what it is supposed to do.
2. Hysterosalpingogram (HSG):  This test involves radioactive die that is injected into your uterus and fallopian tubes.  This will give them a better view of the shape of my uterus as well as if there are any problems with my fallopian tubes.
3. Renal Ultrasound: Huh?  You are probably wondering what this is for.  25% of women with a Mullerian Anomoly on their uterus will also have a renal issue - one kidney, bladder malformation, malformation of one kidney...you get the picture.
4. Sperm Count: Thank goodness Paul had to do something.  I feel as if I am always having one test or another, what with MS and now this fertility stuff, it was nice to share.  :)

Today I followed up with the Reproductive Endocrinologist, all testing answers were to be revealed.  At this point I was ready to throw in the towel of this whole idea of having a child.  I mean, I felt like I have just had a little too much time spent in doctors office in the past year and almost every appointment I have had, had bad results...so I was not counting on much.  That way is much easier, then I am not so disappointed with bad news.  I also was able to drag my husband with me, he hates doctors appointments and he feels very awkward, but I managed.

Dr. Moretuzzo came out to the lobby to meet us, I always enjoy that personal touch - it makes you feel a little more cared for, and pulled us into his office.  He opened my thick folder (gotta love health issues) and started to tell us the results.

1. The blood draw was fine, I have the right levels of hormones and thyroid levels, things are where they are supposed to be.  (YAY!!!!)
2. The HSG (which btw was the most painful procedure I have ever had).  Showed that I have a bicornuate/ septate uterus (which we knew), but I could actually look at it and see it.  It is a more severe separation than he had hoped for.  This means that if I become pregnant (which is more difficult), I will have around a 50% chance of miscarrying.  However, since we know about my uterus shape already, he can do some things as a precaution to prevent a miscarriage.  I also have a blocked fallopian tube, which he said could be from some endometriosis - explaining the crazy cramps and periods that I have.  This also adds a problem, I am only ovulating out of one side.
3. The renal ultrasound came back completely normal (thank goodness for small wins).
4. The sperm count was a little interesting, although Paul's numbers are great - he has some issues with the shape of them.

Dr. Moretuzzo explained that the next step is for me to start Clomid (which is a drug that causes your ovaries to make eggs), sperm cleaning (where they pick only his best guys) and then they inject them into me on my most fertile day.  This improves chances by around 50%, especially because they will make sure that I am ovulating on the side that can reach the uterus. If I have a miscarriage then we will have laproscopic surgery to look around at everything.  If my uterus only has a septum (which they cannot tell yet), they can actually remove some of it so that my shape is more normal.  If I am bicornuate (which means there are distinct halves), there is little that they can do.  He would also be able to look at my tube and see if there was anyway to repair it.  However, that surgery is not always successful, so I am a little hesitant to think that will be an option.

Ok, so what does this all mean...well hope.  It means that there is still a small glimmer that I can get pregnant and a small glimmer that it will be successful.  I will take a small glimmer, that is more than I have had in a while and something to lift some of the weight I have been carrying around.

2011 and such

Some of you might have noticed a disappearing post last week.  I published and then thought better of it and unpublished.  I am not going to lie, 2010 sucked a big one and I am scared of hoping for the new year.  I just am not sure how much I am willing to 'reveal' on here.  I want to be very honest about my struggles, but at the same time - my struggle is very individual and personal.  When I feel something and somebody gives their two-cents, it is not that they do not have valid points, it is more that I need to be allowed to feel something without it being diminished by somebody who has a healthy body, has things going well or cannot relate to where I am at currently.  You know the whole 'walk a mile in their shoes'.

So 2010 brought:

• Accepting a new disease at the age of 28-29
• Finding out that I am infertile and so far not looking very positive
• Job was T-O-U-G-H on me emotionally
• Both of my only living grandparents were in the hospital and may be pushing their last years
• Put down the family dog (family member)
• Husband was promoted twice and is now MIA in the police academy (Great for him, but lonely for me)
• Finished my first marathon after my MS diagnosis (hoping that I can do a few more)
• Dizziness that lasted 4 months early in the year
• Diet changes and health awareness (both have helped, not always easy)

This past holiday was the toughest test to my diet yet (I had not changed my diet at this time last year).  My mom and sister were determined to make me feel like I was not missing anything (they did a great job) but there were still the times that you miss, the food that you miss and the family members who make you painfully aware of your struggles (if I hear that gluten-free tastes weird one more time...).  I am still on track though, so I guess I have that.

I am ok

Sorry for the last post, but sometimes things just seem completely unfair (I know - insert lecture about how life is not fair).  I needed a moment to wallow before sucking it up and moving forward.  I will find more from the doctor on the Monday after Thanksgiving, so decisions will be made then in regards to having a child. :)

I did have two people offer to carry my child for me, ha that is funny.  Other than that, I need to see in my heart if I am OK with NOT having a child and what that all means to me.  I am not jumping to any decisions; not until I talk with my doctor, my husband, God and myself.  I am sad about this, everyone hopes that getting pregnant will be as easy as it is for many friends - I swear half of them sneeze and they are pregnant.  Unfortunately, like many other things in my life, that is not my luck.  I happened to get a little more than some others and there are people that have gotten more than me, so dang it, I guess that is just the way it is.

On another note, I had 4 days off in a row at work - the most glorious November Fall days I can remember and it was good.  Good for me to rest my body, good for me to rest my soul and good for my household chores :) . 

And another thing to add to the plate

I was not sure if I should blog on this or not, but hey let it all out...right?!

Some of you know (many do not) that I have been trying to get pregnant for over a year now.  Before the MS diagnosis - before the year of that.  Just something that the hubby and I were ready for.  After 6 years of marriage, finally out of school and finally financially secure - it was that time.  I was told to prep by taking my pre-natal vitamin, sleeping correctly, handling stress (ha, that is funny) and avoiding a lot of alcohol.  3 months into trying came the MS diagnosis, but not a worry, pregnancy is great for those of us with MS.  My neuro was so encouraging, touting studies where MS will actually stand still during pregnancy and even have positive effects later on - something about being able to stave off the cane and possible wheelchair, because those who have given birth actually have less gait (ie walking) issues later on.

So we continued on, many times I thought I was pregnant but was not - those who have been through this know the heart ache.  During this year+ my periods became worse; cramping, heavy bleeding (sorry guys), exhaustion and even frequent periods (like every two weeks).  My OB said to give it a full year and then we would begin testing for infertility issues.  So a month ago I had my year check up and she was not happy with the irregular periods and especially the frequent ones, although she said the stress of the new diagnosis could cause some problems.  So I had the joy of having a pelvic and intra-vaginal ultrasound (yes it is as obnoxious as it sounds) two weeks ago with the PROMISE that results would be the next day.  After waiting for two days for information I finally called my OB.  Oops, their fax machine was down and they had not received the results from the radiologist (just my luck) but they would call and get back to me soon.  Two more days passed and finally a call from the doc.  Oops, the radiologist was on vacation and they did not like his reading of the ultrasound, just another week of waiting and we will know what is going on. 

Another week passed and I find myself in Memphis for a big conference for my industry.  I am one of the lead presenters (which is a big deal), having a great time networking and learning more about my career.  I just happened to be on a break between sessions and my phone rang.  I did not recognize the number, but it was 330 area code so I figured it was either someone from my work or a number that I had lost with the phone change (just got a new phone).

"Hi Julia, this is Dr. Morris' office"

"Yes"

"Remember the ultrasound you had a few weeks back?"

No - I don't remember the condom wrapped dildo that they used to see my insides, REALLY! - I thought.

"Well, we are going to need to make an appointment for you, unfortunately we cannot get you in until after Thanksgiving"

"Ok?"

"Well you see, the radiologist came back with your results.  You have something called a heart-shaped uterus or a bicornuate uterus, do you know what this is?"

No, bitch, tell me - I thought.

"No, I don't"

"Well your uterus is in two halves, basically during your development your uterus did not attach completely together"

WTF - I thought

"What does this mean"

"Well, the doctor would like to talk more about this when you come in after Thanksgiving, but it could be a big part of your inability to get pregnant.  It can cause infertility"

"Ok?"

"It is not very common, it happens in less than 1% of the population, she will give you more detail when you come in"

"There are not appointments before Thanksgiving?" I was more thinking - are you f-ing kidding me, you call me at a conference to tell me I am infertile (after two weeks of waiting) and you cannot get me in next week.

"Sorry, we are swamped"

"Ok, thank you"  More like - who in the hell calls you and then tells you they cannot see you for a month.

So I am not sure what this all means, the WWW only puts more thoughts in my head; those with this problem have a higher incidence of late miscarriage (after 15 - 20 weeks), infertility and mental retardation.  Oh great, another lottery win for me.  First MS, then this.  Wait, wait.  Maybe I should play the lottery since I am so good a contracting this rare and joyous health gifts.

At this point I think the big guy upstairs may be playing a joke on me.  I am super stressed at my job, I have MS and now this.  Really, will I tumble from the plane tomorrow and die?  I just feel like that would be par for course - I mean REALLY!

So, I guess it is another waiting game and more heartache for me.  I just wish that something positive would happen in my life, something really good would come.  I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.  The funny thing is that sitting back and looking at my life, it all seems like a cruel joke.  Those who really know me, know that this is real, but it almost is surreal.  My concern with all of this is my job.  I have a lady at work who has lupus and people always comment about how she is always sick and not in that, oh no, she is sick way.  More in the, she is faking it way.  Even last year when I was going to all of my appointments that come with having a chronic autoimmune disease like MS, a person at my work had the nerve to say that they never get sick.  Well good for f-ing you.

So tonight I sit alone in a two room suite in Memphis.  Laughing about my lot in life (really I cannot cry about this stuff anymore) and drinking a glass of wine.  I will make it, what other choice is there.  Someone said that God only gives you what you can handle, I do not believe that, because some of us get a lot more than others and I am not sure that I am handling it as much as scraping by.

To all my MS blog buddies, you know what I mean, we all have had a hard life.  You can either die or make it.  I guess I choose to make it.

Running pictures AK marathon & Towpath

 Before the race sister silliness

Team Julia

 Team Julia and the back of the shirts

Two beautiful women in my life; my sister and bestest

 Taking pictures during the race (yes, I carried a camera)

 Grandma at mile 1

Running with Dad - Mile 7

 Friends at Mile 9

 (Thanks Kim - Pand I at Mile ~24 - note I stopped taking pictures)

The End - Ak Marathon snapped this as we ran in, my favorite pic

Sometimes it is nice to cheer on family and friends on their runs, so Paul and I headed down to the Towpath Marathon - look at the Fall leaves!

 Dad giving me a high five in the Towpath 10K

 My mother-in-law Sue running her FIRST half-marathon (she started running in her 50s)

Dad's Finish

 Sue's friend Diane in her first half marathon

 Sue's Finish

 Sue's finish from behind

P and her chatting

Akron Marathon Race Report

After an extremely warm week, the weather called for high of 65 and partly sunny for the race.  My whole family and some friends purchased the "I run to stop MS" shirts to run with me during the race (and my mom, grandpa and grandma watching the race).  I felt nervous as always, but I was glad to have my sister, husband and friend to run with me, I knew I could make it with them.

Although this is my third marathon, I knew that my prep was not nearly as on par as other years.  I skipped many weekly runs due to the heat - I just could not get enough energy to force myself out in 85 degrees and high humidity, I literally melt.  My lack of prep combined with my odd races the weeks before, made my nerves jump even more.

Morning of the race went well, saw many of my friends and family and we all got in line with out 'Team Julia - I run to stop MS' shirts.  I felt loved and I always feed off of the energy of the 10,000 runners around me.  The key for me in a marathon is to start out slow.  I always want to get pulled with the crowd, but I have to remind myself - 26.2 miles to go, slow yourself down.  I was hoping to average 12 min/mi this year for a PR of 5 hours, but you know how the best laid plans go...

Mile 1   10.44 (a little fast but mainly flat and easy)

Mile 2   10.57

Mile 3   11.08

Mile 4 & 5 21.33

Mile 6   11.06

Mile 7   11.21

Mile 8   11.30

Mile 9   10.58

Mile 10 13.08 (bathroom break)

Mile 11  12.19

Mile 12  11.31

Mile 13  13.12 (sister started to not feel well - I was still feeling strong at this point and after a pee break I was still hydrated

Mile 14  11.42

Mile 15  11.29

Mile 16  13.20  (at this point my sister was feeling really bad and asked me to go without her and Paul and I went on alone)

Mile 17  11.33

Mile 18  12.24

Mile 19  16.17 (felt really dehydrated and went to use the restroom, uh oh, somehow made a mistake with my drinking or body was not absorbing what I took in)

Mile 20  13.23  (slowing down, did not feel right and could not get a gel in without feeling like I was going to throw up - luckily my friend's Kim and Andy came out to cheer me on and get me moving for the next couple of miles.)

Mile 21 12.36 (moved to run 1 walk 1 - was still moving at a good clip but could tell body was not feeling right)

Mile 22 14.50 (took in electrolytes again, thought I was going to up chuck, sun came out and HR jumped up and I was sweating much more profusely.  I was joined on the trek)

Mile 23 16.38  (could not run without stomach feeling horrid)

Mile 24 18.52  (walking, cramps, stomach problems and Paul was so supportive, was not sure I was going to make it)

Mile 25 20.49  (pissed, now the downhills were keeping me slow, I kept having to stop and stretch and leaned on Paul A LOT)

Mile 26 & .2  17.10 (I tried to jog some and at least jogged into the stadium)

Finish Time: 5:42:42

Not a PR but not my worst race either.  I did not have nutrition dialed in and I did not train to my best ability but I finished.  It was a very emotional finish, somehow all of the feelings of the past year came flooding back and as I took the step over the finish line, I thought about how this could be my last one and that many things are just unknown with this disease.  I was so glad that I came around from from my low energy and on and off symptoms (even at the beginning of summer) to actually finishing the marathon.  I was never once confident that it was going to just happen, but it did.  Wow.  So I have a lot of amazing pictures (I caried a camera the whole way and from good friends - thanks Kim) and I will post a blog with those pictures soon.

Thank you to everyone who supported me through this!

I am not dead, just busy

I apologize for not posting about the marathon yet - I will this weekend.  I finished but my legs blew out at mile 22 and I did not get my nutrition right this year.  BUT - I finished my first marathon after my MS diagnosis.  I will write more details this weekend.

Air Force 10K

As you can see I have a September stretch of races that I do almost every year.  This one is part of the Air Force Marathon and works out in my taper - plus my father was an Air Force F-15 fighter pilot, my brother-in-law is a 2nd Lieutenant - and the Air Force has special meaning to us all.  This year my father-in-law ran the entire marathon, my father the half-marathon, my mother-in-law the 10K; so it was (as always) a family affair.  We had to get to the base (Wright- Patterson) early because with 12,000 runners entering 3 gates, it takes a while to get in.  I was up at 4:30 am and we parked at 6:30.  The marathon and 10K both begin on the same course at 7:15 am, with the half-marathon falling later on a different course at 8:30 am.


This years logistics were a bit lacking; parking took longer (we had to walk a mile in pitch black over a pretty bumpy ground), there were not enough port-o-pots and I knew I was making mistake by not getting to use the rest room before the race started.  Oh well, after a C-3 fly by and a beautiful rendition of the National Anthem the marathoners and 10Kers were off.  

The first half of a mile is on old runway and is bone flat, but that just allows enough warm up before a 250 ft climb in less than a 1/4 mi.  My first mile was a little too fast at 8:48 but my heart rate was a steady 170.  The only problem was that I knew that I would have to stop at a port-o-pot (GI issues).  Dang, about 50 other runners had the same idea and I stood there as the time clicked by.  After the rest room and a little bit of a slow run to get back into it, I hit mile 2 at 14:52.  Err, I knew I was at a great race weight and I had a PR in me, so I told myself to get back in the groove over the slight up and down 3rd mile and finished it in 10:17.  After that I found my legs finally feeling full power and I told myself I could pick up the pace to try to get at least even with my previous 10Ks.  The downhill fourth mile passed at 8:19.  I knew I could not hold that fast but I knew I could try and be around 9:00 for the last two pancake flat miles.  Mile 5 passed at 9:09 and mile 6 passed at 9:10.  I finished the 10K at 1:02:32.  Not a PR for the course, but if you minus the bathroom mile, I was flying (for me).


My fear is that I have had issues at my past two races - side stitch and GI issues - and I am a bit worried about the upcoming marathon.  To top it off I have had flu-like symptoms the past two days (why me).  I know that you never can tell what happens with a race but I am not having a good taper.  :(  


The good news is that I have a few days to rest up, I have my sister, husband & friend from Georgia (Eric) coming to run the marathon with me and help me get through this.  I just ask that the stars align and that at least the race passes without many issues.

If you are coming out this weekend to cheer we will be wearing running banana Team Julia shirts with this design.

9 mi Potato Stomp Race Report

One of my favorite races of the entire year.  This grassroots race is at a great price ($12), great time in the year, pretty scenery, challenging hills, lots o' prizes and "has the friendliest spectators around".  In fact two years ago I won the main raffle prize -  a pocket bike.

I was not nearly as scared or nervous as my half marathon a few weeks ago.  The weather was brisk (good for me), sunny and I had already completed a half...no biggie.  I was joined by a lot of the ladies from work.  1 student, 2 graduate assistants, aquatics manager and me - GREAT turn out.  4 of us are all around the same speed, so there was a healthy competition going as well.  I wanted to 'push' it a little harder this year and having some ladies to keep in mind was a good choice.

The race started in the potato stomp traditional manner with all of us running over potato chips.  The first 1.5 miles are down hill and I found myself cruising 9:40(1), 8:50 (2).  The next 2 rolling miles were 9:45(3) & 9:50 (4).  All of a sudden I got a side cramp, not just a little annoying one, but a take- you- down side cramp.  I was frustrated as all of my girls passed me, but I did not stop for long.  I managed to finish out the race at 1:31:20, which is not bad - but I would have been around 1:26 if I could have stayed with my pace.

This weekend is the Air Force 10K followed by the Akron Marathon in two weeks.  Phew, I hope that the weather stays cool!

Buckeye Half Marathon

To be honest - I was nervous.  For some reason (even though I have already run 18 miles for training), this race was a benchmark.  Something to see if this whole MS year of crazy was going to keep me from doing the marathon.  Something that has not happened in a year....a half marathon race.

I have had a down and up summer so far.  As stated before, June was filled with a vertigo problem that almost made me give up on training.  I was feeling tired and dizzy and ready to throw in the towel for training and then July hit.  All of a sudden I was able to run 10, 12 ,13, 14 miles....wait a second, my body was starting to respond.  August has even been better - I found myself doing even an 18 mi run.  :)

So here I was Sunday morning, a nice cool morning which I always appreciate, ready to start a half marathon.  The feeling that I had come a far way was just emotional and the feeling that I was lucky to be standing here made my heart race.  I was ready to accomplish something that once was not even a concern to me - it is just a half.

Once again the race was a family and friend affair.  Brandon and Mel were there, as well as Melissa & Diane from work.  My father, my father-in -law, my mother-in-law and some other folks that I have gotten to know over time.  Kim even came out to support us and take pictures.

The race started at 8:00 am and it was probably 60 degrees and nice at that time.  It was a large group this year - somewhere around 1,000 participants and we all walked the 1/4 mile to the start.  Diane from work was interested in running with me, since I was CLAIMING that I was going to use this as a training run, keeping my heart rate at 60 - 70% and staying somewhere between 11 min - 12 min/mile.  Well I did not expect to feel good.

The first mile was a quick one, Diane looked at me with her Garmin and said you know we are running a 9:40/ mi pace.  I smiled and said, let's see what happens.  I knew that I could not maintain that rate once the heat set in, so I thought I should keep myself at a little harder pace to begin with, plus for some reason, I was not dying.  Heart rate was more around 70 - 80%, but it is a race.  Mile 1 - 6 my time was 1 hr and 3 min.  I was smokin' (well for me this year anyway).  I felt good and was ready for the second lap.

For the second lap, it did get warmer, my paced slowed down to a more 11:00 min/mile pace but I was still running.  Not at one point in the race did I feel bad.  I finished with a time of 2:18:34 for an avg of 10:35/mi.  

No this is not a PR, yes I am happy.  Today marked a goal obtained...what will tomorrow bring?

BTW, you still can give money on my behalf to Run MS.  My sister is running the AK marathon for MS and me.  Donate here!

Diet Update 2 - THE POSITIVES

When I started to research about changing my diet I found some personal accounts of people who exclaimed that with in one week they started to feel changes; more energy and a clear head.  I cannot say that this was the case for me, but over the past 6 months I have seen many improvements.  I also have found that I was not craving the foods that I gave up nearly as much as I had thought I would.  I guess for me, the health of my body was a much stronger pull than food.

More Energy - One of the things that has crept up on me in the past months is more energy.  When I had my first attack I found myself needing somewhere between 10 - 12 hours of sleep each evening and even with the sleep I found myself exhausted every morning.  I felt as if all that I did was sleep and work.  If I had any extra time during the day, I would take naps to keep me awake.  I am not sure when it happened but at some point I found myself with more energy.  Currently, I get around 8 hours of sleep and even less some nights without feeling completely spent.  I also have more energy for extracurricular like exercise and hanging with friends, which is a nice change from this past winter.

Those who have been around me have noticed as well, I have crept out of the zombie land for the time being. Last week I ran 13 miles and I felt a little tired, but my body responded better than I would have thought.  I am not saying every day is perfect, but let's say I have more good days than bad.

Impulse Control & Planning - I would not say that I would over eat a lot, but I know that last summer working out 5-6 times a week- that many times we would go out to eat.  At least once a week at a bar with some fried foods and beer. I am sure that I was not putting the best foods into me.

With this diet I have to plan out food and meals for everything.  When I go on a weekend conference for work.  When I go out for the day.  When I go on vacation.  Lunch (and dinner) for work.  Every time I need a snack.  Every time I am hungry.  I also have to make sure that I have food (just in case).  There is no getting hungry.

Currently I eat breakfast (usually GF/DF cereal and rice mik) at 6 am, fruit at 8 am, almonds or walnuts at 10 am, lunch at noon - 1(lots of veggies; salad with turkey, fruit, carrots), handful of GF pretzels or similar at 3-4 pm and dinner at 7 pm (something different each day - the summer has been a lot of grilling!).  I eat all day, but really it equals less saturated fat, a lot of fruits,veggies, nuts and little to no refined sugar (most days).

I also avoid most eating out times.  I cannot get wings and pizza, I cannot drink beer (drink much really), I cannot stuff myself at the family outings or vacations - I have specific GF/DF stuff (my family has been great to make stuff I can eat). I am eating like I should have years ago.

Weight Loss -This really was a tertiary effect.  I was never planning on weight loss, I thought it might happen but it was not a focus.  In fact in Early May I weighed the same as in early February, if in 3 months I had not lost anything I probably wouldn't.  So I quit paying attention.

All of a sudden my clothes were fitting a lot looser and I was getting comments about whether I had lost weight.  I would not consider myself a giant girl but I was always 'curvy' as they say.  I finally weighed myself and 10 lbs had dropped off since May.  I say dropped off because last year I was working out WAAAAY more.  I spent the year trail running, training for marathons, swimming, road biking, mountain biking, on a two week backpacking trip and this year there were months that I was lucky I put in 30 miles of anything.  I am still only hitting maybe 3 - 4 workouts a week.

I knew this was true, as an exercise science major they always said diet was much more important than exercise for losing weight.  Study after study touting those set up on a strictly a diet change compared with those only on a exercise regimen, continuously lost more weight.  Of course the combination of both is the best.  

No fuzz head - I still have my memory relapses where I cannot spit out what I need to say.  I now think this is directly related to the MS but more on that some other time.  I have noticed a fog that was with me has lifted.  I can only describe it like those days that your sinuses cause the head pressure and you feel like you cannot think clearly.  Now I am a little more alert, focused at the job in hand.  That makes me feel a lot more confident in my job and tasks that I take on.

Really tasting things - Yes this sounds cliche, but I think that I found appreciation of things that sometimes were rushed.  I always have had a love of food, a mother who should have been a chef (self taught) taught me the appreciation of food from all over the world.  Being an Air Force Brat, we had the chance to travel and appreciate food from all over.  In my adult life time got in the way.  Paul is a good cook, but we had our standing meals that were repeated every other if not every week, because we were both tired from working all day.

Everything changed when I decided to do this.  My mother who once cooked delicious home-made macaroni and cheese, is now baking breads and cookies that I can eat.  Paul will spend a good hour or two prepping meals that simmer for hours.  We are using more herbs to flavor than we ever had; the sweet smell of cardamon, cloves, cinnamon from the Indian dishes, to the fresh sage, shallot and parsley potatoes that sit as a side to a fresh bison steak and grilled asparagus.


I want to be clear, I am lucky.  The supportive friends and family who have accommodated to my diet are amazing.  I have been blessed by many.  Paul who has just been taking this as challenge to keep me from craving anything I once had.   My mom who bakes for hours or cooks to bring me over a hamburger buns so that I can participate in the cook out.  My aunt and cousin who are experimenting and making dishes for the family get together.  My friends who will go to PF Chang's (for their GF/DF options), Vegiterranean (Vegan/GF), Altieri's (GF Fried chicken) over and over to just go out with me.  I am so loved.

I also want to be careful as to say this is curing me.  I do not know.  I will not know, really.  I am 9 months into a diagnosis that hit me like a brick wall.  I am still reeling and trying to make sense of everything.  I read blogs about those who have had a rough time of MS, those who are still climbing mountains with MS, and a lot that are in between.  In someway this diet is a bit of control , even if control is just an illusion, but in someways isn't all control an illusion?

Control is an Illusion

Attempting to control external events
will never keep us safe.
Control is an Illusion.
Whatever we try to control,
we separate from ourselves.
Whatever we try to fix,
we ruin.
Life is sacred,
and flows exactly as it should
We return to our breathing.
It knows exactly what to do,
rising and falling without conscious control.
In the same way
We sometimes have excess
and sometimes lack.
We sometimes assert ourselves
and sometimes hold back.
We sometimes succeed
and sometimes fail completely.
Our practice is to see all of this
without taking it seriously.

-Lao Tzu