Life Resolutions (not just the new year)

I have been doing some soul searching lately.  Well really, I am almost always looking in, but now I am making some changes.  I realize that my resolutions are not as much for the year, as for my sanity & health, so I am going to refer to them as life resolutions.  These are items that I will be working on for the rest of my life, not just in the new year.

To start off a little simply:

1. Restarting daily yoga.  Not only have I stopped in the past year or so, but I have noticed that I am not nearly as flexible or relaxed as I once was.  Not sure if this is because of the MS or if I am just a ball of tight muscle from the years of running and soccer, but either way I have struggled lately with my flexibility.  I have had a nagging muscle (not sure if it is pulled or what) in my butt that has caused me problems running for the past month.  I have been stretching, rolling, sticking, and even sitting on dryer balls to try to get this area loosened up, nothing has worked.  Another easy 3 mi run this weekend ended with me barely able to move my right leg forward and that was enough to motivate me to start again.  
2. Can't change what is happening to me, so must change my outlook.  This is true especially with work.  Hours, stress, conflicts at work have drained me emotionally.  I was to the point of actually hating every hour, minute, second that I was there.  Considering that work is a huge part of my life and that I really enjoy what I do, I had to rethink how I was approaching each day and situation.  So my focus is to rethink how I let things get to me and also that I need to be more honest with my peers and boss about these items.  I am now in my second week of trying this and it has worked out fairly well.  Last week I talked to my boss about a co-worker who was dropping the ball on assignments (for an entire semester) that I was forced to pick up the slack.  I did not want to call this person out, but I was tired of it wearing me down.  I felt that the conversation went well and even if nothing changes, I did what was needed to get the stress off of my shoulders and back on to his.  I refuse to pick up his slack anymore.  I also have to change my outlook on MS and fertility.  I am reminded constantly by the MS community that I should stop trying to figure out when, why and where things are going to happen.  Instead just know that things will happen, these items are out of my control and that is that.  I have to stop focusing on every numb arm and leg, bout of dizziness, exhaustion, odd-shaped uterus :) ...when it is big, I will address it.  For now, this is just my norm.
3. Continue to tweak my diet.  I have really done well in this past year as you all know from my posts, but there are still some areas to work on.  I want to cut out more sugar, which is my addiction.  For example, it is easy to snack on some sweet tarts because I know they are gluten & dairy free and they are soooo good.  But instead of having a bowl of them at my work desk, instead, I will allow them to be a once in a while treat.

All in fertility

I really had not given the details of everything since I found out I had a bicornuate/ septate uterus.   I figured for those other 0.05 - 0.1% of women who have this and those of you that would like an update, I would go into detail a little more.  My OB/GYN had me go to a reproductive endocrinologist after the discovery of my 'heart-shaped' uterus.  A very nice doctor here in Akron, Dr. Moretuzzo sat me in his office and gave me the list of testing that was to begin:

1. Hormone Blood Draw: To make sure that my hormones were actually stimulating my body to do what it is supposed to do.
2. Hysterosalpingogram (HSG):  This test involves radioactive die that is injected into your uterus and fallopian tubes.  This will give them a better view of the shape of my uterus as well as if there are any problems with my fallopian tubes.
3. Renal Ultrasound: Huh?  You are probably wondering what this is for.  25% of women with a Mullerian Anomoly on their uterus will also have a renal issue - one kidney, bladder malformation, malformation of one kidney...you get the picture.
4. Sperm Count: Thank goodness Paul had to do something.  I feel as if I am always having one test or another, what with MS and now this fertility stuff, it was nice to share.  :)

Today I followed up with the Reproductive Endocrinologist, all testing answers were to be revealed.  At this point I was ready to throw in the towel of this whole idea of having a child.  I mean, I felt like I have just had a little too much time spent in doctors office in the past year and almost every appointment I have had, had bad results...so I was not counting on much.  That way is much easier, then I am not so disappointed with bad news.  I also was able to drag my husband with me, he hates doctors appointments and he feels very awkward, but I managed.

Dr. Moretuzzo came out to the lobby to meet us, I always enjoy that personal touch - it makes you feel a little more cared for, and pulled us into his office.  He opened my thick folder (gotta love health issues) and started to tell us the results.

1. The blood draw was fine, I have the right levels of hormones and thyroid levels, things are where they are supposed to be.  (YAY!!!!)
2. The HSG (which btw was the most painful procedure I have ever had).  Showed that I have a bicornuate/ septate uterus (which we knew), but I could actually look at it and see it.  It is a more severe separation than he had hoped for.  This means that if I become pregnant (which is more difficult), I will have around a 50% chance of miscarrying.  However, since we know about my uterus shape already, he can do some things as a precaution to prevent a miscarriage.  I also have a blocked fallopian tube, which he said could be from some endometriosis - explaining the crazy cramps and periods that I have.  This also adds a problem, I am only ovulating out of one side.
3. The renal ultrasound came back completely normal (thank goodness for small wins).
4. The sperm count was a little interesting, although Paul's numbers are great - he has some issues with the shape of them.

Dr. Moretuzzo explained that the next step is for me to start Clomid (which is a drug that causes your ovaries to make eggs), sperm cleaning (where they pick only his best guys) and then they inject them into me on my most fertile day.  This improves chances by around 50%, especially because they will make sure that I am ovulating on the side that can reach the uterus. If I have a miscarriage then we will have laproscopic surgery to look around at everything.  If my uterus only has a septum (which they cannot tell yet), they can actually remove some of it so that my shape is more normal.  If I am bicornuate (which means there are distinct halves), there is little that they can do.  He would also be able to look at my tube and see if there was anyway to repair it.  However, that surgery is not always successful, so I am a little hesitant to think that will be an option.

Ok, so what does this all mean...well hope.  It means that there is still a small glimmer that I can get pregnant and a small glimmer that it will be successful.  I will take a small glimmer, that is more than I have had in a while and something to lift some of the weight I have been carrying around.

2011 and such

Some of you might have noticed a disappearing post last week.  I published and then thought better of it and unpublished.  I am not going to lie, 2010 sucked a big one and I am scared of hoping for the new year.  I just am not sure how much I am willing to 'reveal' on here.  I want to be very honest about my struggles, but at the same time - my struggle is very individual and personal.  When I feel something and somebody gives their two-cents, it is not that they do not have valid points, it is more that I need to be allowed to feel something without it being diminished by somebody who has a healthy body, has things going well or cannot relate to where I am at currently.  You know the whole 'walk a mile in their shoes'.

So 2010 brought:

• Accepting a new disease at the age of 28-29
• Finding out that I am infertile and so far not looking very positive
• Job was T-O-U-G-H on me emotionally
• Both of my only living grandparents were in the hospital and may be pushing their last years
• Put down the family dog (family member)
• Husband was promoted twice and is now MIA in the police academy (Great for him, but lonely for me)
• Finished my first marathon after my MS diagnosis (hoping that I can do a few more)
• Dizziness that lasted 4 months early in the year
• Diet changes and health awareness (both have helped, not always easy)

This past holiday was the toughest test to my diet yet (I had not changed my diet at this time last year).  My mom and sister were determined to make me feel like I was not missing anything (they did a great job) but there were still the times that you miss, the food that you miss and the family members who make you painfully aware of your struggles (if I hear that gluten-free tastes weird one more time...).  I am still on track though, so I guess I have that.

I am ok

Sorry for the last post, but sometimes things just seem completely unfair (I know - insert lecture about how life is not fair).  I needed a moment to wallow before sucking it up and moving forward.  I will find more from the doctor on the Monday after Thanksgiving, so decisions will be made then in regards to having a child. :)

I did have two people offer to carry my child for me, ha that is funny.  Other than that, I need to see in my heart if I am OK with NOT having a child and what that all means to me.  I am not jumping to any decisions; not until I talk with my doctor, my husband, God and myself.  I am sad about this, everyone hopes that getting pregnant will be as easy as it is for many friends - I swear half of them sneeze and they are pregnant.  Unfortunately, like many other things in my life, that is not my luck.  I happened to get a little more than some others and there are people that have gotten more than me, so dang it, I guess that is just the way it is.

On another note, I had 4 days off in a row at work - the most glorious November Fall days I can remember and it was good.  Good for me to rest my body, good for me to rest my soul and good for my household chores :) . 

And another thing to add to the plate

I was not sure if I should blog on this or not, but hey let it all out...right?!

Some of you know (many do not) that I have been trying to get pregnant for over a year now.  Before the MS diagnosis - before the year of that.  Just something that the hubby and I were ready for.  After 6 years of marriage, finally out of school and finally financially secure - it was that time.  I was told to prep by taking my pre-natal vitamin, sleeping correctly, handling stress (ha, that is funny) and avoiding a lot of alcohol.  3 months into trying came the MS diagnosis, but not a worry, pregnancy is great for those of us with MS.  My neuro was so encouraging, touting studies where MS will actually stand still during pregnancy and even have positive effects later on - something about being able to stave off the cane and possible wheelchair, because those who have given birth actually have less gait (ie walking) issues later on.

So we continued on, many times I thought I was pregnant but was not - those who have been through this know the heart ache.  During this year+ my periods became worse; cramping, heavy bleeding (sorry guys), exhaustion and even frequent periods (like every two weeks).  My OB said to give it a full year and then we would begin testing for infertility issues.  So a month ago I had my year check up and she was not happy with the irregular periods and especially the frequent ones, although she said the stress of the new diagnosis could cause some problems.  So I had the joy of having a pelvic and intra-vaginal ultrasound (yes it is as obnoxious as it sounds) two weeks ago with the PROMISE that results would be the next day.  After waiting for two days for information I finally called my OB.  Oops, their fax machine was down and they had not received the results from the radiologist (just my luck) but they would call and get back to me soon.  Two more days passed and finally a call from the doc.  Oops, the radiologist was on vacation and they did not like his reading of the ultrasound, just another week of waiting and we will know what is going on. 

Another week passed and I find myself in Memphis for a big conference for my industry.  I am one of the lead presenters (which is a big deal), having a great time networking and learning more about my career.  I just happened to be on a break between sessions and my phone rang.  I did not recognize the number, but it was 330 area code so I figured it was either someone from my work or a number that I had lost with the phone change (just got a new phone).

"Hi Julia, this is Dr. Morris' office"

"Yes"

"Remember the ultrasound you had a few weeks back?"

No - I don't remember the condom wrapped dildo that they used to see my insides, REALLY! - I thought.

"Well, we are going to need to make an appointment for you, unfortunately we cannot get you in until after Thanksgiving"

"Ok?"

"Well you see, the radiologist came back with your results.  You have something called a heart-shaped uterus or a bicornuate uterus, do you know what this is?"

No, bitch, tell me - I thought.

"No, I don't"

"Well your uterus is in two halves, basically during your development your uterus did not attach completely together"

WTF - I thought

"What does this mean"

"Well, the doctor would like to talk more about this when you come in after Thanksgiving, but it could be a big part of your inability to get pregnant.  It can cause infertility"

"Ok?"

"It is not very common, it happens in less than 1% of the population, she will give you more detail when you come in"

"There are not appointments before Thanksgiving?" I was more thinking - are you f-ing kidding me, you call me at a conference to tell me I am infertile (after two weeks of waiting) and you cannot get me in next week.

"Sorry, we are swamped"

"Ok, thank you"  More like - who in the hell calls you and then tells you they cannot see you for a month.

So I am not sure what this all means, the WWW only puts more thoughts in my head; those with this problem have a higher incidence of late miscarriage (after 15 - 20 weeks), infertility and mental retardation.  Oh great, another lottery win for me.  First MS, then this.  Wait, wait.  Maybe I should play the lottery since I am so good a contracting this rare and joyous health gifts.

At this point I think the big guy upstairs may be playing a joke on me.  I am super stressed at my job, I have MS and now this.  Really, will I tumble from the plane tomorrow and die?  I just feel like that would be par for course - I mean REALLY!

So, I guess it is another waiting game and more heartache for me.  I just wish that something positive would happen in my life, something really good would come.  I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.  The funny thing is that sitting back and looking at my life, it all seems like a cruel joke.  Those who really know me, know that this is real, but it almost is surreal.  My concern with all of this is my job.  I have a lady at work who has lupus and people always comment about how she is always sick and not in that, oh no, she is sick way.  More in the, she is faking it way.  Even last year when I was going to all of my appointments that come with having a chronic autoimmune disease like MS, a person at my work had the nerve to say that they never get sick.  Well good for f-ing you.

So tonight I sit alone in a two room suite in Memphis.  Laughing about my lot in life (really I cannot cry about this stuff anymore) and drinking a glass of wine.  I will make it, what other choice is there.  Someone said that God only gives you what you can handle, I do not believe that, because some of us get a lot more than others and I am not sure that I am handling it as much as scraping by.

To all my MS blog buddies, you know what I mean, we all have had a hard life.  You can either die or make it.  I guess I choose to make it.

Running pictures AK marathon & Towpath

 Before the race sister silliness

Team Julia

 Team Julia and the back of the shirts

Two beautiful women in my life; my sister and bestest

 Taking pictures during the race (yes, I carried a camera)

 Grandma at mile 1

Running with Dad - Mile 7

 Friends at Mile 9

 (Thanks Kim - Pand I at Mile ~24 - note I stopped taking pictures)

The End - Ak Marathon snapped this as we ran in, my favorite pic

Sometimes it is nice to cheer on family and friends on their runs, so Paul and I headed down to the Towpath Marathon - look at the Fall leaves!

 Dad giving me a high five in the Towpath 10K

 My mother-in-law Sue running her FIRST half-marathon (she started running in her 50s)

Dad's Finish

 Sue's friend Diane in her first half marathon

 Sue's Finish

 Sue's finish from behind

P and her chatting

Akron Marathon Race Report

After an extremely warm week, the weather called for high of 65 and partly sunny for the race.  My whole family and some friends purchased the "I run to stop MS" shirts to run with me during the race (and my mom, grandpa and grandma watching the race).  I felt nervous as always, but I was glad to have my sister, husband and friend to run with me, I knew I could make it with them.

Although this is my third marathon, I knew that my prep was not nearly as on par as other years.  I skipped many weekly runs due to the heat - I just could not get enough energy to force myself out in 85 degrees and high humidity, I literally melt.  My lack of prep combined with my odd races the weeks before, made my nerves jump even more.

Morning of the race went well, saw many of my friends and family and we all got in line with out 'Team Julia - I run to stop MS' shirts.  I felt loved and I always feed off of the energy of the 10,000 runners around me.  The key for me in a marathon is to start out slow.  I always want to get pulled with the crowd, but I have to remind myself - 26.2 miles to go, slow yourself down.  I was hoping to average 12 min/mi this year for a PR of 5 hours, but you know how the best laid plans go...

Mile 1   10.44 (a little fast but mainly flat and easy)

Mile 2   10.57

Mile 3   11.08

Mile 4 & 5 21.33

Mile 6   11.06

Mile 7   11.21

Mile 8   11.30

Mile 9   10.58

Mile 10 13.08 (bathroom break)

Mile 11  12.19

Mile 12  11.31

Mile 13  13.12 (sister started to not feel well - I was still feeling strong at this point and after a pee break I was still hydrated

Mile 14  11.42

Mile 15  11.29

Mile 16  13.20  (at this point my sister was feeling really bad and asked me to go without her and Paul and I went on alone)

Mile 17  11.33

Mile 18  12.24

Mile 19  16.17 (felt really dehydrated and went to use the restroom, uh oh, somehow made a mistake with my drinking or body was not absorbing what I took in)

Mile 20  13.23  (slowing down, did not feel right and could not get a gel in without feeling like I was going to throw up - luckily my friend's Kim and Andy came out to cheer me on and get me moving for the next couple of miles.)

Mile 21 12.36 (moved to run 1 walk 1 - was still moving at a good clip but could tell body was not feeling right)

Mile 22 14.50 (took in electrolytes again, thought I was going to up chuck, sun came out and HR jumped up and I was sweating much more profusely.  I was joined on the trek)

Mile 23 16.38  (could not run without stomach feeling horrid)

Mile 24 18.52  (walking, cramps, stomach problems and Paul was so supportive, was not sure I was going to make it)

Mile 25 20.49  (pissed, now the downhills were keeping me slow, I kept having to stop and stretch and leaned on Paul A LOT)

Mile 26 & .2  17.10 (I tried to jog some and at least jogged into the stadium)

Finish Time: 5:42:42

Not a PR but not my worst race either.  I did not have nutrition dialed in and I did not train to my best ability but I finished.  It was a very emotional finish, somehow all of the feelings of the past year came flooding back and as I took the step over the finish line, I thought about how this could be my last one and that many things are just unknown with this disease.  I was so glad that I came around from from my low energy and on and off symptoms (even at the beginning of summer) to actually finishing the marathon.  I was never once confident that it was going to just happen, but it did.  Wow.  So I have a lot of amazing pictures (I caried a camera the whole way and from good friends - thanks Kim) and I will post a blog with those pictures soon.

Thank you to everyone who supported me through this!