Tastes Like Chicken (Is it Chicken?)

It's been a long time since I have written...but I got my J-O-B, been at it a month and it has kept me busy- at least with the full time work.

On to what I wanted to write this blog about...

PERCEPTION of one's self, compared to other people's perception of you.

At work (yes the new job), people always come by and say that I look stressed (which is not true, in fact life has been a lot easier). So what is it about me that gives off the feeling of being stressed? I must have a look. As a kid, my parents said I was never a smiley type of child. I was quite and I guess "somber". I do not think that I have ever grown out of that, I have never been the type to go around smiling, I have to work hard to smile all the time.

I have always noticed that it takes people a while to warm up to me. I like to have fun, but maybe that does not show until you have actually hung out with me for a bit. Maybe they are put off because I look 12. Maybe I am have a look...the same one that makes me seem stressed. I like people to be frank with me, hopefully at some point in my life, someone will just say what it is.

Perception is a funny thing. Senge, the guy who developed those "mental models", stated "Before you open your eyes in the morning, 80% of what your going to see is already encoded in your brain." Hmmm...

trepidation

Over a week since I have had to "school it". Funny how we end up where we are in life. Here I am not sure what/where the next chapter in my life is headed. A little relieved and at the same time a little uncertain. I am sure this is the feeling you get when you are truly at the crossroads. On one side is the past- the things that have shaped you as a person, the other side focuses on the future- the things that you hope and reach for. Part of me wants to stay in the comfort zone that I have clung dearly onto, the other wants to heave herself forward.

I am scared...is that weak to announce things like that in your life? I am fearful that the belief system that I have always thought to be true is just a facade; similar to other things in my life. I know and have told others that the unknown-those things that really torture who you are in life, are also the most rewarding, but I am unsure that I want to deal with that right now. Haven't I earned my keep for now? Can't things just go easy and as planned sometimes? I want the money issue to be gone and I want security, knowing that my brain, my plans, my dreams will all be utilized and not just thrown out like scraps of nothing.

I allow my emotions to be too wrapped up in thoughts like these. Sometimes I wish I was less complicated-black and white, but I am every shade of color that there is and today I feel quite like "burnt sepia" or possibly "coal black". Oh it is time to stop when analogies of life mirror crayola colors.

Life and Death

As I have grown up, I became more aware of death. Not the fear of it, per say, no...more understanding it. I have long realized that life is fickle and at any moment we can be swept away to the infinite abyss that is "death". What death means to me is still yet to be decided, agnostic at best, but I do realize that with everyday, I find myself less and less afraid of the significant "D" word.

Why the sudden need to talk about something so dire?

Well for the first time in my life, I witnessed a fit, healthy 20 year old have a heart attack. I have witnessed first-hand what it looks like to give chest compressions and use an AED; and what it looks like to watch someone almost die and come back to life (albeit barely). I do not think it dawned on me until a few days later how once again I am greatly changed by an important, yet small part of life that has had an amazing impact on how I view the world.

I was surprised that I was not more disturbed by the whole occurrence. I felt as I should have been shaken to the core, that I should have shed some tears (as many others did), but I was comfortable, relaxed, on-the-ball during the whole conundrum. I realized a few days later, that the experience did change me but not as some, I felt a surge of who I am. Within this young man's suffering was an emergence of life in me.

Do not get me wrong, it was a horrible scene and very intense, but as I reflect back to the incident, it made me realize that I am built to be a calm in these times. I understand that to "die" or to experience "dying" will be a part of all of our lives---and that does not scare me. I am not sure that those feelings are either good nor bad, but for me it gave me another sense of purpose. That in a moment of urgency or even emergency, that I will be calm and level headed enough to make tough, smart decisions...and that at times all of your efforts will be in vain and other times will end with an amazing miracle, but to feel that is life.

I am no longer afraid of the struggles and complications of life. Sure I will get stressed and even cry on occasions, but in the big scheme of things I thank my lucky stars that life is as challenging as it is. So that I know that I am becoming the best that I can be, and that when I die, I feel I have learned and grown, and that all things are life lessons.

Carpe Diem

Cliche, maybe. But at the same time there is a reason that for the term. As we all know life is short and at any moment, scope, or time I could be gone.

I guess I always, in theory, understood that life would end but at the same time I didn't. It became a reality when my father was diagnosed with CLL (chronic lymphocytic leukemia) about a year and a half ago and the naive belief that life was forever, just wasn't anymore. Since then I have felt that not only should I start hitting those lifetime goals but participating in life with all the vigor and gusto that it deserves. If I am on this earth for only one lifetime, then I should really involve myself in life itself. So I began to really carpe diem; which, ironically now includes running.

I was talking to a girl on my soccer team, Sharon, yesterday about why I run. I was never the runner...still not really. I hated it even. So why run now? My father was always a runner. Many times as a young'n he would ask me to join him, but usually with the answer no. After I hiked the Appalachian trail, my father was so inspired by my sister and I's journey that he decided to hit a lifetime goal of his, to run a marathon. He chose the inagural year of the Akron Marathon and I was there cheering him on. I was so inspired that he could even try something that seemed so hard and finish it as well, the thought still gives a little jump to my heart. He managed to finish three marathons since then and numerous runs. Ironically, after his Leukemia diagnosis, we realized that he had already had the disease during that first marathon and all the runs after...and yet he still managed to do them.

I must say that I run because of my father. As of right now he is still in good health and running. This weekend my father and I completed the 9 mile Potato Stomp on Saturday and the Buckeye Half Marathon on Sunday. If a 57 year old man with Leukemia can run that much then I have hope for myself and my future. My father really participates in life...to the fullest and he inspires me daily.