Monday, November 15, 2010

I am ok

Sorry for the last post, but sometimes things just seem completely unfair (I know - insert lecture about how life is not fair).  I needed a moment to wallow before sucking it up and moving forward.  I will find more from the doctor on the Monday after Thanksgiving, so decisions will be made then in regards to having a child. :)

I did have two people offer to carry my child for me, ha that is funny.  Other than that, I need to see in my heart if I am OK with NOT having a child and what that all means to me.  I am not jumping to any decisions; not until I talk with my doctor, my husband, God and myself.  I am sad about this, everyone hopes that getting pregnant will be as easy as it is for many friends - I swear half of them sneeze and they are pregnant.  Unfortunately, like many other things in my life, that is not my luck.  I happened to get a little more than some others and there are people that have gotten more than me, so dang it, I guess that is just the way it is.

On another note, I had 4 days off in a row at work - the most glorious November Fall days I can remember and it was good.  Good for me to rest my body, good for me to rest my soul and good for my household chores :) . 

Thursday, November 4, 2010

And another thing to add to the plate

I was not sure if I should blog on this or not, but hey let it all out...right?!

Some of you know (many do not) that I have been trying to get pregnant for over a year now.  Before the MS diagnosis - before the year of that.  Just something that the hubby and I were ready for.  After 6 years of marriage, finally out of school and finally financially secure - it was that time.  I was told to prep by taking my pre-natal vitamin, sleeping correctly, handling stress (ha, that is funny) and avoiding a lot of alcohol.  3 months into trying came the MS diagnosis, but not a worry, pregnancy is great for those of us with MS.  My neuro was so encouraging, touting studies where MS will actually stand still during pregnancy and even have positive effects later on - something about being able to stave off the cane and possible wheelchair, because those who have given birth actually have less gait (ie walking) issues later on.

So we continued on, many times I thought I was pregnant but was not - those who have been through this know the heart ache.  During this year+ my periods became worse; cramping, heavy bleeding (sorry guys), exhaustion and even frequent periods (like every two weeks).  My OB said to give it a full year and then we would begin testing for infertility issues.  So a month ago I had my year check up and she was not happy with the irregular periods and especially the frequent ones, although she said the stress of the new diagnosis could cause some problems.  So I had the joy of having a pelvic and intra-vaginal ultrasound (yes it is as obnoxious as it sounds) two weeks ago with the PROMISE that results would be the next day.  After waiting for two days for information I finally called my OB.  Oops, their fax machine was down and they had not received the results from the radiologist (just my luck) but they would call and get back to me soon.  Two more days passed and finally a call from the doc.  Oops, the radiologist was on vacation and they did not like his reading of the ultrasound, just another week of waiting and we will know what is going on. 

Another week passed and I find myself in Memphis for a big conference for my industry.  I am one of the lead presenters (which is a big deal), having a great time networking and learning more about my career.  I just happened to be on a break between sessions and my phone rang.  I did not recognize the number, but it was 330 area code so I figured it was either someone from my work or a number that I had lost with the phone change (just got a new phone).

"Hi Julia, this is Dr. Morris' office"
"Remember the ultrasound you had a few weeks back?"
No - I don't remember the condom wrapped dildo that they used to see my insides, REALLY! - I thought.
"Well, we are going to need to make an appointment for you, unfortunately we cannot get you in until after Thanksgiving"
"Well you see, the radiologist came back with your results.  You have something called a heart-shaped uterus or a bicornuate uterus, do you know what this is?"
No, bitch, tell me - I thought.
"No, I don't"
"Well your uterus is in two halves, basically during your development your uterus did not attach completely together"
WTF - I thought
"What does this mean"
"Well, the doctor would like to talk more about this when you come in after Thanksgiving, but it could be a big part of your inability to get pregnant.  It can cause infertility"
"It is not very common, it happens in less than 1% of the population, she will give you more detail when you come in"
"There are not appointments before Thanksgiving?" I was more thinking - are you f-ing kidding me, you call me at a conference to tell me I am infertile (after two weeks of waiting) and you cannot get me in next week.
"Sorry, we are swamped"
"Ok, thank you"  More like - who in the hell calls you and then tells you they cannot see you for a month.

So I am not sure what this all means, the WWW only puts more thoughts in my head; those with this problem have a higher incidence of late miscarriage (after 15 - 20 weeks), infertility and mental retardation.  Oh great, another lottery win for me.  First MS, then this.  Wait, wait.  Maybe I should play the lottery since I am so good a contracting this rare and joyous health gifts.

At this point I think the big guy upstairs may be playing a joke on me.  I am super stressed at my job, I have MS and now this.  Really, will I tumble from the plane tomorrow and die?  I just feel like that would be par for course - I mean REALLY!

So, I guess it is another waiting game and more heartache for me.  I just wish that something positive would happen in my life, something really good would come.  I am sick and tired of being sick and tired.  The funny thing is that sitting back and looking at my life, it all seems like a cruel joke.  Those who really know me, know that this is real, but it almost is surreal.  My concern with all of this is my job.  I have a lady at work who has lupus and people always comment about how she is always sick and not in that, oh no, she is sick way.  More in the, she is faking it way.  Even last year when I was going to all of my appointments that come with having a chronic autoimmune disease like MS, a person at my work had the nerve to say that they never get sick.  Well good for f-ing you.

So tonight I sit alone in a two room suite in Memphis.  Laughing about my lot in life (really I cannot cry about this stuff anymore) and drinking a glass of wine.  I will make it, what other choice is there.  Someone said that God only gives you what you can handle, I do not believe that, because some of us get a lot more than others and I am not sure that I am handling it as much as scraping by.

To all my MS blog buddies, you know what I mean, we all have had a hard life.  You can either die or make it.  I guess I choose to make it.