Reeling

It has  been 4 months since my diagnosis.  Although I have found myself getting stronger with all of this, I still know that I am still reeling from it all; those moments when I really FEEL everything that has taken place in the past few months and those times that I am humbled and brought down to reality.  I know to most of you that this is just words, you will not see me at those moments when I break down - when I allow the demons in my head to win.  I just want to say that this has been a tough few months and that I struggle A LOT more than I might want to admit.  It is also tiring to be strong for other people, I want to tell people that I am sad, that this is the toughest thing that I have ever had to deal with, but I keep my head up and I pretend.  

But I am tired.  All the time lately. And I want to be strong.  But I am not right now.  I want something to work out for me.  But it isn't.  How do you keep yourself happy when you just have nothing left to give?

So I have turned to music.  I have always felt that music speaks to the soul.  I do not have a favorite band or song, because music speaks to my mood for that moment.  Usually I find a  song that just seems to reach down deep inside me and say what I am feeling.

Recently I have been on a Citizen Cope kick and below are his lyrics for "Sideways".  Although I think the song was written for lost love, I found the lyrics to be very close to what I have felt dealing with all of these things.  The words do not give justice to the emotion that he sings with, but I felt that I wanted to share.

'You know it ain't easy
For these thoughts here to leave me
There's no words to describe it
In French or in English
Cause, diamonds they fade
And flowers they bloom
And I'm telling you

These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
They've been knockin' me out, 

These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
I keep thinking in a moment that, time will take them away

But these feelings won't go away...

These feelings won't go away...

It ain't easy
For these thoughts here to leave me
there's no words to describe it
In French or in English
These diamonds they fade
And flowers they bloom
I'm telling you

These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
They've been knockin' me out, babe

These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
I keep thinking any moment that
Time will take them away

These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
I keep thinking any moment that
Time will take them away

These feelings won't go away... 

These feelings won't go away...

The diamonds they fade
The flowers they bloom
I'm telling you
I'm telling you

The diamonds they fade
The flowers they bloom
I'm telling you
I'm telling you

These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
They've been knockin' me out babe

These feelings won't go away
They've been knockin' me sideways
I keep thinking any moment that
Time will take them away...'